


L'arrivée des papillons

by TheWorldAndTheEmpress



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/F, Hate to Love, No character death!, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-07-21 17:04:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 51,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7396117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWorldAndTheEmpress/pseuds/TheWorldAndTheEmpress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke Griffin is on top of the world, admired by the entire school. Everyone, that is, except for outsider Lexa Woods. Lexa's indifference to her is the one thing that Clarke cannot stand, and she makes it her life's mission to torment the other girl. But when Clarke takes it one step too far, she's forced to partner up with Lexa for a project. Soon, she'll realize just how little she really knows about Lexa, and about herself, as it turns out all she really wants is for Lexa to notice her.</p><p>or</p><p>Clarke falls head over heels for the last person whe would expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Outsider

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to this love story, and my debut on Ao3. This fic is Clexa-centric. Like, _extremely Clexa-centric_. Their relationship will build up slowly, but bare with me, they are destined to be together.

Only a few months ago, Clarke thought that popularity was the ultimate goal in life. She thought love meant finding someone who could improve your reputation. She thought the only way to have fun was to get wasted beyond every discretion and then forget everything she'd done.

But that was before she got to know Lexa.

They'd seen each other in the hallways, of course. For over 8 years they'd gone to the same school. They'd played on the same team in gym class sometimes, sat inches from each other in the classroom, and yet, Clarke knew absolutely nothing about Lexa.

That's the way she wanted it to be. Lexa wasn't someone you spoke to. Not unless you wanted to commit social suicide. In all honesty, it was Clarke's fault that's the way things turned out. She and her friends had noticed Lexa was different from the very beginning, and in such a small town that could not be tolerated.

But what really bugged Clarke, what sometimes left her sleepless at night, was the fact that Lexa didn't seem to even notice their harsh words. It made her boil inside. She had the rest of the school wrapped around her finger. She only had to smile in the general direction of one of the guys and his gaze would follow her wherever she went, the younger girls worshiped her like a queen. And the outcasts, they all feared her. Everyone, except for Lexa. To her, Clarke didn't seem to mean more than an annoying fly that the other girl just waved away as soon as it got close, and _that_ , Clarke could not handle.

* * *

It all started a Thursday in November. Clarke was stuck in what might be her least favorite class, philosophy. English with professor Titus she could handle, even algebra wasn't too bad. But this class was nothing but a whole bunch of bullshit in her opinion. The teacher was no better. His name was Gustus, that's right, Gustus. No last name, no “professor” or “sir” was to be used in his presence. He made sure they all knew that on their very first day of class, right between arranging the chairs in a big circle and encouraging them all to take off their shoes. So it was safe to say that Clarke hated the gibberish that was philosophy class.

Having been half asleep, she was brought back to reality by Octavia's sharp elbow to her side..

“Huh?” she let out while looking around the circle to see who had addressed her. She met Gustus' eyes from a few seats away.

“Hello Clarke, glad to see you've returned to us”, the teacher said in a voice so calm it made Clarke restlessly fidget in her chair. “We're discussing the nature of truth, and I would be glad to hear your opinion on the matter.”

The nature of truth. Please. Like she was even gonna pretend to care about what he was talking about.

“The truth...” she said. “Is that this class is a fantastic sleeping pill and I will definitely recommend it to my mom.”

She could hear Octavia chuckle next to her, while Gustus kept his calm.

“I'm sorry to hear that Clarke”, he said. “but if you want to pass this semester you're going to have to try harder than that. Perhaps another student could give their point of view?”

His eyes immediately jumped to the student right across from Clarke, Lexa. Of course. As strange of a girl as she was, Clarke hadn't been surprised when she quickly turned into his favorite student. 

“Lexa”, Gustus said. “I'm sure you have something to say?”

Clarke watched her with hatred. The dark make-up around her eyes, the constant black skinny jeans to which she always wore t-shirts with some depressing print on them, making Clarke think she desired to be a vampire of some kind. On top of that, she was a professional at skipping class, but what was even worse was that when she was actually there she excelled at every subject, and the teachers all loved her! Clarke couldn't make any sense of it, she was clearly setting herself up to be an outsider and Clarke could have no respect for that. She was sure she saw the other girl smirk at her before turning to the teacher, and she almost wished that looks could kill.

“The general opinion is that anything that can be proved with a fact is a truth”, she started, and Gustus seemed to smile brighter for every word she uttered. “But most people don't really care about facts at all. They make up their own truths, and they spend their life in their own little bubble of ignorance.”

“That's a very interesting point. I think it's safe to say that a lot of young people in your age are struggling with different truths...”, Gustus said, looking so pleased Clarke wanted to barf. She could not believe how Lexa managed to win the trust of every single teacher in their school, being the bad egg that she was. 

Clarke didn't let him get any further before interrupting.

“I have another truth for you”, she said while her eyes shot daggers at Lexa. ”Lexa is an obnoxious know-it-all and that's why she doesn't have any friends.”

Various chuckles and whispers could be heard around the room, and for a moment Clarke felt good. She felt powerful. But Lexa's eyes were as stoic as ever as they held on to Clarke's gaze, and her happiness turned to frustration.

It didn't get better when she looked over at Gustus and realized she'd stepped over the line. Gustus calm and friendly eyes held something darker now.

“You will be excused for the rest of the class”, he said coldly. “and you will be reported as absent from this period. I will not tolerate hurtful comments in this classroom.”

“But it's the truth...”

Gustus held up his hand as he shushed her.

“You may leave”, he said and held out a hall pass for her to take.

All eyes were on her as she stood up from her chair. This was one of those crucial moments. If she let her feelings get the best of her, everyone would understand that she felt mortified and she would have embarrassed herself. She couldn't have it that way. It was important that everyone knew that things _always_ went her way, that she was in control of every situation.

She took a deep breath and shook away every uninvited feeling until she was back to her calm and calculated self.

“Bye then, bitches”, she cheered. “It's time for that nap of mine, see y'all next period.”

She quickly snatched the note from Gustus's hand and high fived Octavia on her way out.

Once the door was closed behind her that nagging feeling came back and suddenly she felt as empty as the hallway in front of her. With 35 minutes left until her next class there wasn't much she could do other than follow the orders of Gustus. “Library” was scribbled on the note and she slowly started making her way over there. She ended up spending the period alone in an uncomfortable library chair, pretending to read her economics homework while a group of freshmen eyed her from afar. Today was not the best day the great Clarke Griffin had ever had.

* * *

Both Octavia and Finn came home with her after school. Her boyfriend Finn. _Handsome_ , her mother used to call him. _Charming_ and _polite_ , a real gentleman.

“I'm so happy you've found someone as wonderful as Finn!” she often told her. “I'm so happy you get to feel that perfect first love that fills your stomach with butterflies! The kind of thing your dad and I shared in high school. You know what I mean now!”

But Clarke didn't know. On the contrary, she believed, was rather certain actually, that butterflies in the stomach was something people had made up, and expression. There was no such thing as actually feeling butterflies in your stomach, people were exaggerating.

She was sure that Finn was the one for her, he had to be. He was the most popular guy in school, and as the star quarterback he was the biggest athlete too. He had been voted “most attractive” in the school paper, not to mention her mother was right in describing him as charming and polite. He was a nice guy, a _really_ nice guy. Generous and understanding, everything that Clarke could ever ask for in a boyfriend. If Finn Collins could not make her stomach flutter then no one could.

“What's bothering you?” Finn asked her as she looked around the kitchen for a snack for the three of them and more or less intentionally let the drawers slam shut with a bang.

She didn't have to answer though, as Octavia beat her to it.

“Lexa got her thrown out of philosophy today”, she said with a smirk.

“It's not funny”, Clarke spat as she quickly spun around to glare at her friend.

Finn looked at the two of them with an amused expression.

“How did this happen?” he asked, the question more aimed for Octavia.

“Well, Lexa was being her usual obnoxious self and Clarke let it get to her. She ended up saying too much and Gustus threw her out.”

Hearing Octavia's words made Clarke feel mortified over the situation once again, and she made sure not to meet Finn's gaze.

“It was unfair though”, she whined, begging for Octavia to agree with her. “You agree, right?”

Octavia looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

“I was just kidding!” Clarke realized she sounded like a three year old, but she didn't care anymore. “And Gustus, he's totally overreacting, and it's just because she's his favorite little suck up! AAAGH! I can't stand that smug look on her face! She must think she's oh-so-important, and that she's won or something...”

Both Finn and Octavia looked amused by now.

“Just let it go, honey”, Octavia said and started chewing on the energy bar that Clarke handed her.

“Yeah... I'm gonna have to agree with Octavia”, Finn said, clearly trying not to push the wrong buttons. “Why do you even care so much about what she thinks of you? She doesn't matter!”

“Exactly!” Octavia agreed. “No one is on her side, and everyone knows she's like... a psycho and on drugs most of the time!”

Seeing her best friend and boyfriend trying to cheer her up made her feel a little bit better.

“Right”, she said. “I always wondered, how do we know that exactly?”

“Murphy said he saw her popping pills at a party once”, Octavia said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

This made Clarke feel very skeptical.

“So _Murphy_ said it?” she mocked. “Since when is Murphy a reliable source? Lexa doesn't even go to parties! Why would you even talk to him?”

“He's like attached to Bellamy!” Octavia defended herself. “It's hard to get away from him!”

“Yeah, yeah”, Clarke laughed and took a big bite of her energy bar.

She did feel better. Who knew the kind of freaky stuff Lexa was into in her spare time. _Clarke_ was the queen at this school, and she'd make sure to find a way to get back at Lexa.

* * *

She did not have to wait long. With her usual luck, opportunity presented itself already the next day. She was waiting in the hallway for Finn to finish class so they could have lunch together. Standing in the hallway outside the biology classroom, she knew professor Wallace always liked to make his students stay behind.

When the door finally opened, Clarke let a few people slip out before going inside to see if Finn was ready. He was usually too busy talking to his friends to clear his desk. She caught a glimpse of Lexa before the girl disappeared through the doorway, and once again Clarke was filled with rage.

“Hi!”

Finn interrupted her murderous thoughts, obviously happy to see her. Neither him, Wick or Miller were ready, to no one's surprise, and right now that annoyed her.

“Could you try getting ready today maybe?” she snapped, making Wick and Miller look at Finn with sympathy.

“Relax”, he answered. “We were just talking.”

“Obviously!” Her glare must've made him uncomfortable. “But I'm waiting, so could you hurry?”

He just shrugged and finished putting his books back in his bag, all while getting back to his conversation about the next game against a rival school. Clarke let her eyes wander around and they fell upon a curious thing in the back of the class.

“Hey, what's that?” she asked, interrupting in the middle of the conversation.

“Huh?” Finn asked, confused, and turned around to follow her gaze. “Oh that. For this year we all have to create an individual project, something big to develop all year. We need to write reports and all that, so it's pretty intense. Apparently, some kind of price will be awarded to the person with the most advanced and innovative project. I don't know, I'm probably not gonna win it anyway.”

Clarke made her way over to the table, where a group of jars in different sizes and weird constructions were standing, each with a name marked on them. Plants were starting to grow in some of the projects, half chopped onions were waiting around, even bacteria in different colors decorated the insides of some small plastic containers. Miller seemed to have tried to get a flower to stay alive in some strangely colored liquid, but the flower looked awfully dying at the moment. Good luck winning that price, Miller. His failure was no surprise, the guy was a slacker, but it was no surprise either that the big glass jar marked “Lexa” contained by far the biggest and most impressive plants. Without even knowing what the project was about, Clarke was certain Lexa was doing great. She just had to be such a nerd all the time. Of course she would be the one to win.

She let out a sigh.

“What's the school's biggest show off come up with this time?” she asked.

“Who, Monty?” asked Finn.

“No! Lexa, obviously!” Clarke answered, annoyed.

Finn just looked amused.

“She's creating her own cycle of life or whatever inside that jar”, he explained. “Making the water circulate inside it so that the flowers can stay alive without needing more water. You don't even have to open the jar, ever!”

Clarke was not at all impressed by the nerdness contained in the jar and suddenly the idea hit her like a struck of lightning. She turned around to face Finn, who was now ready to go, with a mischievous grin on her face.

“You can start moving without me, I'll catch up”, she said, her anger from before gone.

“What are you doing?” Finn asked her carefully.

“It's better if you don't know”, she answered.

Finn's eyes lingered on her for a moment before he turned around and left. She knew that professor Wallace had only gone to return some supplies and would be back soon, but that gave her some time to do what she had to.

Quickly, she opened her bag and looked around in it. With a smile she found a bottle of dark red nail polish, and she proceeded to open the lid to Lexa's jar.

“Oops”, she mumbled to herself as she emptied the contents into the jar.

She scrutinized the plants.

“You look a little thirsty”, she said to them in a mocking voice.

In her bag she found a can of energy drink that she'd meant to have for lunch. It opened with a click and she looked with fascination as the liquid seeped into the soil. She decided it was probably best to empty the entire thing, and then quickly slipped the empty can back into her bag. After making sure that Lexa's jar was properly closed she spun around to run out of the room. She didn't get far though.

In the doorway she hit a large mass and almost fell on the ground. Looking up, her heart beating fast in her chest, her eyes met those of professor Wallace. For a moment she was unable to say anything at all, then a weak “hi” slipped out of her mouth.

“Ms Griffin”, the Wallace said with suspicion in his voice. “You're not in this class!”

“I know....” she said quickly collecting herself. “Finn Collins is my boyfriend though. He thought he'd left something at his desk and asked me to run back and look for it. “

She was a good liar, she was sure of that. That's how she'd gotten away with so many late papers, and that's also how her mom still thought she'd never had a sip of alcohol. She could see the teacher relaxing at her words, but not wanting to push it she quickly added:

“He's waiting for me right now, so I've gotta go. Bye!”

She turned away from him, and not hearing any protests she walked towards the cafeteria as fast as she could without looking suspicious.

Sitting down at Finn's table, she had a big smile plastered on her face. Both him and their friends looked at her questioningly.

“Am I allowed to ask now?” Finn asked carefully.

She beamed at him.

“Let's just say you might be winning that prize at the end of the year after all.”

* * *

As Clarke tilted her head back to down the fifth shot for the night, she finally felt herself relax. The weekend was here at last and taking advantage of their parents being out of town, the Blakes were, by tradition, hosting a party. She had hoped to spend tonight with Raven and Octavia, making fun of people's outfits and drunken behavior, but Octavia had been enchanted the moment she first laid eyes on one of Bellamy's new college friends, Lincoln, and now seemed to be absorbing every word he said, perched on the same kitchen counter as she had been for the past 48 minutes, it was pathetic. Raven was explaining some super boring science stuff to Monty, Finn had gone out in the garden to get to know some guys who played football in college, and that left Clarke in the company of some guy she didn't even know the name of, but who seemed way too interested in her.

She put her empty shot glass down on the table and frowned. If she didn't stop soon, she would be the one making a drunken fool out of herself. Shouldn't Finn come back soon by the way? Wasn't it his job to keep annoying guys from hitting on her?

The nameless guy kept going on and on about something she'd stopped listening to, her gaze instead wandering over the dancing bodies and groups of people talking and having fun. A cold and heavy emptiness seeped into her heart. A loneliness so physical she felt her body sink further into the couch under the weight of it. They all seemed to be enjoying themselves, and she found herself feeling light-years away from the hopeful guy that kept her company, the laughing teenagers on the dance floor, even her two best friends, who both had eyes filled with the excitement of talking about something or to someone they really cared about. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt that way. Had she ever?

She finally decided she'd had enough of this moping around and stood up.

“I'm going outside”, she declared to the guy, who made an attempt to stand up.

“Alone”, she added and turned her back on him without even trying to be decent. She didn't even like to think about her own feelings, which meant she definitely didn't have it in her to think about other's.

She was hit by a blast of night air as she stepped out onto the veranda. Finn was standing in a corner, listening intently to one of Bellamy's friends. After a moment her eyes locked with his and she gave him a seductive smile. He seemed to get the hint, excused himself from the conversation and made his way over to her.

“Hey”, he said and looked at her with a passion so sincere in his eyes.

“Wanna go upstairs?” she asked, knowing well his answer would be yes.

He nodded, his eyes not leaving her for a second. She smiled and grabbed his hand, going back inside to feel the way too hot air fill her lungs, and the noise fill her head. They made their way through people crammed together tight and mounted the stairs together. Somewhere deep inside her she almost felt a thrill as they sneaked into the master bedroom. As soon as the door closed behind them, Clarke threw her arms around Finn's neck and pulled him to her, planting her lips on his with force. His response was immediate, they were as physically close as two people could be.

_Make me feel something, Finn._

The thought ran through Clarke's head over and over as they made their way over to Octavia's parents' bed. 

_Please, make me feel something._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was that, the first chapter. I wanted Clarke to be completely careless and unempathetic in the beginning of this story, I hadn't meant at all to make her so... lonely and emotionally fragile, that's just the way she came to me when I started writing. Don't get me wrong, she's still and asshole and I'm looking forward to see how that will make the plan I have for this story play out. She has a long journey to make.  
> In the next chapter, let's just say she will be _dans la merde_ , which is basically the french way of saying she's fucked.


	2. Consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the feedback I got for the first chapter! It took me by surprise, so thank you!
> 
> I'm going to try to make Tuesdays and Fridays my update days. I've got the whole story planned out, and it's already half finished so I think that will be achievable.
> 
> Anyways, I'm gonna stop talking now. Bye.

Clarke sighed heavily and rested her chin in her hand. Another start, another week, another meaningless Monday had begun. Even though she was currently in her favorite class, debate, she was incredibly bored. She enjoyed throwing arguments at people, _that_ she was good at, but sitting still and listening to stupid theoretical tactics of debating was not her favorite thing in the world, and she found herself following the raindrops on the window with her gaze.

She had just wondered to herself if anything exciting would happen all day when professor Wallace knocked on the door before opening it and entering. He walked up to professor Kane who was in the middle of writing something on the board and started mumbling something to him quietly so that the students wouldn't hear. Clarke tried to strain her ears to catch a few words, but she couldn't hear anything. Their exchange made her very curious, she didn't like not being in the loop about everything.

She first thought she was in luck when professor Kane called out: “Clarke Griffin”, but then she realized she was probably in trouble and nervously looked around the class room. Naturally, most people were looking at her and she reluctantly stood up from her seat.

“You can bring your bag”, professor Wallace said sourly, looking at her with an accusing frown.

She was definitely in trouble.

Feeling even more watched by her classmates than before, she put her belongings back in her bag and followed professor Wallace out of the classroom. He started walking to the right and she knew they were probably heading for the principal's office. She tried to think back in time, what had she done that was worth a trip to the principal's office? Nothing today, surely, but Friday... A suspicion formed in her mind. She had in fact vandalized another student's work, but there had been no one there to see her, had there? They couldn't prove anything?

Her stomach dropped when she walked into the office and saw Lexa sitting in one of the big chairs halfway turned to principal Jaha, observing Clarke with her darkest glare as she entered. Principal Jaha was leaning his elbows on the big desk, with his hands clasped in front of his chin and a serious expression on his face.

“You can sit down”, he told Clarke and she silently obeyed him, dropping down in the chair next to Lexa. She could feel the other girl's glare still burning holes in her, and hear professor Wallace moving behind her, apparently not going anywhere. The silence was possibly the most horrendous thing she'd ever experienced.

To her relief (but also not), principal Jaha finally spoke up.

“There has been a very unfortunate incident regarding the very important AP biology project of another student”, he said calmly. “Do you happen to know anything about that?

“No”, Clarke spat out, two of her strongest instincts kicking in. First of all, when in a tight situation: lie. She didn't even have time to think twice, every time she was cornered the lies jumped out of her mouth before she could even blink. Secondly: get annoyed and disclaim any blame. It probably wasn't the most charming of traits, but it was who she was.

“Sure you don't!” Lexa snapped from beside her, only making Clarke boil even more inside. She didn't even want to look at the girl.

“I'm sorry Clarke, but you happen to be the number one suspect in this case.”

Principal Jaha's stare made her very uncomfortable, but she refused to look away, she refused to show weakness.

“How do you even know someone messed with this project of hers?” she shot back at him. “Maybe it got messed up all on its own!”

“The whole jar smells like poison!” Professor Wallace sounded upset. “There had obviously been added a liquid of some kind that had no part in the project! Something thick and red, strongly resembling that exact nail polish you're wearing right now!”

Clarke cursed herself as she looked down at her hands, and almost tried to hide her nails in her hands even though she knew it was already too late. She'd meant to remove the nail polish last night, since it was starting to fall off anyway and didn't look very nice anymore. In the end she'd been too tired and decided against it, something she regretted a lot in this moment.

“Not to forget that I saw you come running out of the class room after the last biology lesson”, Wallace continued. “Even though you're not in that class! This was the only moment the room has been left unattended before or after the weekend, therefore there is no other possibility. You can stop lying and admit now!”

Clarke knew she'd been caught, she wasn't stupid, and yet she kept on glaring into the principals eyes without backing down. She just wasn't the kind of person to admit defeat, there might as well have been a physical barrier in her throat, blocking all her words every time she found herself in a situation like this.

“Do you want to explain yourself?” the principal asked her with disappointment.

She still didn't react.

“Lexa has worked really hard on that project”, he continued. “She spent her summer doing research as preparation. The grade for this project is crucial, many students rely on it as a merit when applying to college, it can be a game changer for their entire future.”

Jaha's words awakened something inside her. Somewhere deep down she imagined Lexa spending long summer hours with a book in her hands, wasting her entire summer to succeed on this one project. That had all been for nothing now.

She looked over at the girl, but when met with the hatred in her eyes, all the sympathy she'd felt was washed away in an instant. Lexa only had herself to blame for being such an incredibly lame biology nerd, obsessed with being the best at every subject. It would be good for her not to win just this one time, it was time someone took her down from that pedestal she seemed to think she was standing on.

“You do realize that we need to punish you for such juvenile actions?” the principal asked her. “Such incredibly immature behavior!”

She looked back at him and waited for her verdict.

“Lexa will need to start all over”, he said. “Plan a new project, do all the research. Not to mention she will need to catch up to the rest of the class now that she's three months behind! So until it is no longer needed, you will be the one to help her get the very best grade she can possibly achieve on this!”

“NO!”

Both Clarke and Lexa sat up straight in their chairs and cried out their protest in complete synchrony. While Clarke felt absolutely livid, Lexa quickly composed herself again.

“I just mean to say”, she said, “that it's really not necessary. I'd rather work on my own, thanks. I will without doubt do it better that way.”

The last part was followed by a new glare in Clarke's direction.

“I understand that you don't like each other”, Jaha said, “but Lexa, you really have a lot of catching up to do, and considering you're taking two other AP classes at the same time I think it'd be best for you to have some help. I care about my students, and there's a limit to how much work I can demand from them!”

Lexa didn't look any more convinced, but Jaha didn't stop in his efforts to win her over.

“She can help you with anything, really”, he added. “All that boring research, if you need someone to go to the other side of town to find the right materials... Your wish will be Clarke's command, I think she owes that to you. Clarke, you will make sure to take the time after, or if needed, before school to help Lexa out. I also noticed the two of you share a free period, so make sure you take advantage of that.”

Clarke felt as though she might as well have been sentenced to a lifetime of slavery. Lexa, however, looked perkier than before, only adding to Clarke's misery.

“Fine”, the other girl agreed and sat back more comfortably in her chair.

“So it's settled then”, Jaha stated. “I am very disappointed by your actions Clarke, and I will be calling your parents. For now, helping Lexa on her project will be your punishment, and as long as you put an effort in and are useful to her we won't have any more problems. If you refuse to take your punishment we will need to consider other means that will look a lot worse on your college applications, understood?”

All she could do was nod.

“Good”, he said. “Best of luck to you, Lexa. Since Clarke doesn't seem to have it in her to apologize, I want to at least offer my apologies to this situation you are in. I know that project was important to you.”

Lexa nodded shortly before standing up and leaving the room without throwing a single glance at Clarke.

Well fuck, she'd definitely messed it up this time.

* * *

“Okay, hold on! Let me get this straight!” Octavia said with wide eyes and hands gesticulating in the air. “You have been declared Lexa's personal slave for the rest of the semester?”

The chock made her talk extremely loudly and that did not make Clarke feel any better.

“Can you keep it down you idiot!” she snapped. “I'm in deep enough shit as it is, I don't need the whole school to know!”

They were currently watching one of Finn's football practices, and at least 20 other students were hanging around on the bleachers around them. They all seemed busy though

The chocked expression did not leave Octavia's face, but she did collect her self enough to keep her voice down.

“Oh my god”, she almost whispered. “I'm so sorry! How will you survive? This is seriously the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.”

Her words only caused Clarke to groan in agony and hide her face in her hands.

“I don't think you're helping”, Raven pointed out and then tried patting Clarke on the shoulder in support. “It's okay Clarke. It will be over soon. Besides, Lexa probably isn't happy to work with you either. No offense, but you've been an absolute asshole to her ever since she moved here.”

Clarke sat up straight and squinted her eyes at her.

“What do you mean? Are you saying she doesn't deserve it?”

Raven looked like she knew she was walking in thin ice.

“I just mean...” she started. “That there are a lot of people in this school who annoy you, but Lexa seems to be the only one who's ever gotten this much shit from you.”

Clarke scowled at her.

“You are too nice for your own good.”

Then she sighed and put her head back in her hands.

“Jaha called my parents”, she mumbled. “It's gonna be so much fun to talk to them tonight.”

“Is it?” Octavia laughed at her.

She lifted her head to glare at her.

“Yeah”, she snarled. “I'm really excited.”

* * *

She winced as she looked up from her laptop at the sound of the front door opening. She could hear the voices of both Abby and Jake as they entered the kitchen to unload the groceries from this week's shopping. Clarke was now facing an inner debate. Should she flee through the front door while her parents were occupied? Should she go hide in her room and pretend she didn't exist until they forgot about her? Or should she go into the kitchen, be the sweetest and most helpful daughter in the world and hope they somehow forgot about the call from the principal?

After a deep breath or five she decided the last option was the best she could come up with, and carefully made her way to the kitchen.

As she stepped through the doorway she quickly straightened up and put a smile on her face.

“Hi mommy, hi daddy”, she said and cringed to herself at the sound of her overly perky voice. “Do you need help with that?”

She could almost feel an icy wind through the room when her eyes met her dad's and she saw the disappointment that filled them.

Abby's voice was the first that filled the room.

“You don't think we should start by talking about the call I got from Thelonious this afternoon?” she said sternly.

Clarke gulped. So that didn't work. She tore her eyes away from her mom's and looked out the window instead.

“Yeah”, she mumbled.

“You do know that Thelonious is a good friend of mine?”

Clarke nodded.

“And you understand how embarrassing it is for me to have him call me at work about something like this?!”

Clarke couldn't help but to roll her eyes, and this caused her dad to step in.

“You sabotaged another student's project!” he said with his voice raised, something that only happened on very rare occasions. “What got into you, Clarke?! How could you do something like this to one of your classmates?”

Clarke angered at this. He made Lexa sound like such a victim when, in fact, she had never been anything but mean to Clarke either.

“If you knew who she is you'd know she deserved it!” she yelled.

“That's what you say to defend yourself?” Abby yelled back. “That's not good enough! Your father and I taught you better! Did you at least apologize to this girl?”

Clarke's silence spoke for itself, and Abby sighed before she continued.

“Then I think it's best that until you show remorse for your actions, you won't be allowed over at the Blakes' house. I know the kind of parties you've been to at their place, not to mention the kind of people Octavia's brother hangs out with. It's clearly clouding your judgement, so I want you to stay away from their house for the time being.”

“What?!” Clarke started protesting. “But mom...”

Abby raised her hand to silence her.

“Octavia is a sweet girl and she will still be welcome here, but my decision is final. You need to be punished for your actions.”

“But I already got my punishment!” Clarke whined. “I have to spend the rest of the semester, maybe even longer, working with the girl that I hate!”

“I understand you're upset”, Jake said, softer than before. “But this will be good for you. Now go to your room.”

Clarke could almost feel angry steam coming out of her ears as she flopped down on her bead. The first thing she did was call Octavia.

“It's worse than we thought!” she said before the other girl even had time to say hello.

“Ohno”, Octavia said. “What happened.”

“It seems I have been banned from your place!”

“Are you kidding me? They can't to that!”

“They can and they have.” Clarke said and growled into her pillow. “Until I 'show remorse for my actions'. Like that's gonna happen!”

* * *

Clarke stayed in a bad mood all night, even while dreaming, and was still scowling while walking to school the next day. This would be her first day of working with Lexa, and she was looking forward to it about as much as she was looking forward to the apocalypse.

To make matters worse she'd had to get up earlier than usual to see Lexa in the library before school started. Yeah, that whole sentence sounded so messed up to her that she hadn't even been able to eat any breakfast. And Clarke loved breakfast.

There was exactly one other person in the library when she stepped through the doors, apart from the woman who worked there. That person was Lexa, waiting for her in an armchair by a big window. She was wearing ripped, dark grey jeans with a loose black t-shirt, her sun bleached curls all gathered on one shoulder. She was sitting with her legs crossed, so absorbed in a book that she didn't even notice Clarke until she sat down in the chair across from her. Then she actually jumped a little by surprise and Clarke caught herself almost... smiling? What happened to her bad mood all of a sudden?

“Hi”, she said.

Lexa answered with a nod before she folded down the corner of the page she was reading and put her book back in her bag. Clarke caught a glimpse of creepy looking cover of a bleeding bouquet of flowers. Of course Lexa would be reading something in that kind of genre. For a second Clarke had almost forgotten that Lexa was actually a witch from hell.

She folded her arms and looked expectingly at Lexa, refusing to be the one to start talking. Lexa stared at her too for a while before raising her eyebrows.

“So, I'm guessing you're exited to get started”, she said.

Clarke wanted to rip the girl to pieces, and it probably showed because a smirk grew on Lexa's face.

She quickly turned serious again though.

“I don't have time to start another water cycle model”, she sighed. “so I'll need to do a completely different project.”

“And what will that be?”

Lexa eyed her angrily for a moment before speaking.

“Well, I don't know yet”, she said. “Ideas good enough for the grade I want don't come that easily. For the moment you'll help me look for a theme.”

Clarke actually snorted at this.

“You realize I know absolutely nothing about that save the planet blaha blaha nerd stuff you do, right?”

“Oh I know”, Lexa answered in a very condescending tone. “You'll have to read up on it. You do know how to read?”

Clarke felt the anger flare up inside of her on full force, and she was too angry to answer.

“I already picked out some books to read myself.” She pointed to a pile on the small table between them. “And some for you to go through.” She pointed to an even bigger pile beside the first one. “The biology section is over there, should you feel the need to read up on something more.”

Then she started showing Clarke which chapters she was most interested in and wanted notes on, but since Clarke was screaming of boredom on the inside she didn't hear a word of what she said.

When she finally got to leave the library a few minutes later both her steps and her bookbag were heavy.

* * *

20 minutes into class and her canvas was still white. Untouched. She could feel the frustration growing. This wasn't the first time this happened to her. In fact, she hadn't felt truly inspired in over a year.

_Over a year._

How was this possible? She used to be the star of art class. She used to fill canvas after canvas with breathtaking paintings that spoke to the very soul of people watching them.

Somehow, this nothing had crept up on her. She hadn't noticed it at first, but sitting in class with a white canvas in front of her, it was painfully obvious: Clarke couldn't paint anymore.

“Just put your paintbrush to the canvas and start painting!” Professor Indra's voice broke through her thoughts. “I know you. Clarke. I know you'll make something fantastic once you put your mind to it. I don't even recognize you these days! It's time you challenge yourself. Get outside your comfort zone, try to see things from a new perspective. I'm sure you will reach results even better than ever before.”

Clarke offered a smile to her enthusiastic teacher. It was nice to know someone believed in her. Even Clarke didn't recognize herself these days. She felt as though something had broken inside her a long time ago, and she had no idea how to fix it.

She kept on staring into space for the rest of the hour. When the bell rang, both Clarke and the canvas were still as empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter features Clarke's first encounter with the private side of Lexa. We'll save that for Tuesday.


	3. A Stranger's House

“I think I'm in love!” Octavia stated and spread herself out on her back in the grass, looking up into the sky with a lovestruck expression.

Clarke rolled her eyes.

“You've known the guy for barely two weeks”, she said. “Don't you think it's a bit too early to be making that kind of a statement.

“Nu-uh”, Octavia shook her head. “I can feel it. This is what true love feels like. Jack and Rose, Romeo and Juliet. That kind of love!”.

Both Raven and Clarke eyed her skeptically.

“You do know that almost all of those characters died, right?”

“Whatever”, Octavia muttered, still all caught up in her bubble of happiness. “I'm in love, that's what I'm trying to say. I'm in love with Lincoln.”

It was lunch break, and though in the middle of November, the weather has surprised them all with a relatively warm and sunny day. The tables outside the school were packed with people who had brought their lunch to eat outside instead of in the cafeteria.

“He's.... amazing”, Octavia sighed, and Clarke rolled her eyes again. She was trying to enjoy her lunch in the sunshine, and Octavia would not shut up about Lincoln! It had been the same ever since she met him at the party two weekends ago, and it was starting to get on Clarke's nerves. Sure, she was happy for her friend, but come on! No one could be interesting enough to be worth spending two weeks talking about constantly! How did Octavia not get sick of it?

“So, what happened when you saw him yesterday?!” Raven asked, practically jumping of excitement to find out more.

Actually, what surprised Clarke more was that _Raven_ didn't get sick of hearing about it. Here she was, listening intently to the details of Octavia's and Lincoln's ice cream date and the way he stuck his tongue down her throat, and she was still excited about it. She still wanted to hear _more_. Was she crazy? Clarke had had plenty of guys stick their tongue in her mouth, and it honestly wasn't that exciting. Somehow, this conversation was making her feel left out, and she didn't know why.

“That's the cutest thing I've heard all day!”, Raven gushed. “He said that to you? He's like a real life romance novel!”

And then Raven too looked like she just swallowed a whole bunch of happy pills. Great, not her too.

“He's coming over to my place this Friday”, Octavia said. “We're planning on having a pizza party with a bunch of Bellamy's friends, you guys should come too!”

“Yay!” Raven exclaimed while Clarke's shoulders slumped and she felt even more left out. For the time being, she was still banned from the household of the Blakes.

Octavia picked up on the change in her mood and she froze for a second.

“Shit, Clarke, I forgot”, she said. “I'm sorry.”

Clarke couldn't find it in her to say 'it's okay' or 'don't worry about it', she was too angry, so she settled for just grunting in response.

“We'll do something together just the three of us this weekend, I promise”, Raven said, trying to put her in a better mood, and Clarke felt a little bad for being so moody, but just a little.

“Yeah, sure”, she muttered and stood up. “We should get going, I don't wanna be late for class.”

* * *

After school that same day, Clarke once again found Lexa waiting for her in the library. She'd spent the entire afternoon complaining about it, studying with the biggest outcast in school was definitely not what she needed right now.

She slumped down in the chair across from Lexa and without a word handed her the notes she'd been working on for hours last night, writing down everything she thought important from the chapters that Lexa had pointed out.

Lexa looked up from her book, she'd started a new one since the first time they'd met up in the library, and picked up the notes to look through them. She read for about ten seconds before she snorted and put them down again.

“What?” Clarke questioned with a glare. “Not good enough for your majesty?”

Lexa looked disgustingly satisfied as she looked her in the eyes.

“No, that's not it”, she said. “I'm just amused because you didn't have to write them. I've already chosen my new project. In fact, I had my plan B ready already when I started planning my water cycle model. I just saw an opportunity to make you read a pile of boring biology books and I took it. Think of it as payback.”

The rage boiled up in Clarke to a degree she didn't think was possible.

“Are you kidding me?!” she yelled and stood up from her chair. “That's not the reason Jaha made me help you!”

Before Lexa had time to answer Clarke heard quick steps approaching and the librarian appeared in the corner of her eye.

“You girls need to keep it down!” she hissed. “I'm not giving any more warnings. If I hear another sound from you you will both have to leave immediately!”

“Sorry”, Clarke mumbled.

With one last glare at them, the librarian turned around and walked away as Clarke sat back down again. Clarke looked at Lexa and her heart was filled with contempt. She wanted to punch that smirk off her face and then proceed to walk away and never see her again, but she knew she couldn't defy the orders Jaha had given her, it would jeopardize her future. How she would survive working with Lexa was unclear though.

She took deep breaths, trying to control her anger. If she was being honest with herself, Lexa did deserve a little payback.

“Oh relax”, Lexa sighed. “You'll need to know that kind of stuff you just read anyway if you're going to help me. I did give you books that are relevant to the matter. I'm investigating the vegetable farms that our food comes from to see in which ways they manipulate it, and then I'm going to bring samples to class and see which methods are the most damaging or helpful to the nutrient content. You should probably keep those notes and study them.”

She handed Clarke her papers back.

“There's something else I need you to do”, she continued. “There's a documentary Friday at 4pm on Discovery Channel. I need you to watch it. You'll need to keep track of all the sources mentioned and read up on them afterwards. I'll be busy gathering the facts.”

“I don't have Discovery Channel”, Clarke answered. In her mind she was relishing, thinking she'd dodged a huge bullet of boredom.

Lexa looked annoyed at her answer, which made Clarke feel even better. Silence settled for a long moment, as Lexa chewed at the end of her pencil in thought. 

“So go home to one of your friends and watch it there then?” she suggested.

“Literally all my friends are getting together this Friday and I'm not allowed to go”, Clarke answered. She tried to make her voice sound neutral, but the bitterness seeped through despite her efforts.

Lexa looked surprised.

“Seriously?” she asked. “The queen of popularity has been banned from a party? Well I'll be damned...”

“Shut up!” Clarke snapped. “My parents are the ones not letting me, and it's your fault, so just... stop it!”

“How is it my fault?” Lexa said looking insulted. 

“Well... just...”, Clarke sputtered. “Because of this whole situation...”

“You're the one who was immature enough to sabotage my work”, Lexa pointed out. “So don't go blaming this on me now!”

“Whatever...”, Clarke muttered. “My point is, I can't help you with that documentary thing.”

Lexa sighed and was quiet for another long moment, silently debating something.

“Okay...”, she finally said. “You'll come over to my place after school on Friday to watch it.”

“What? No...”

“You already know I'm behind and I have a lot of things to cover during the weekend. I really need you to do this!”

 

And that's how Clarke ended up next to Lexa in the school parking, on a Friday afternoon, waiting for Lexa's mom to pick them up. She kept anxiously looking around the parking lot, praying to any god that might be listening that no one would see her get in that car. She fel nervous, and she hated that Lexa had a part in making her feel that way.

“Your mom probably hates me”, she said with a shuddering breath. “I mean, she'll know all about your ruined project and how that all went down.”

Lexa looked down at her shoes uncomfortably and sent a small rock flying towards the closest car.

“Actually...” she admitted. “I haven't told her.”

“What?” Clarke said in surprise. “Why? What does she think happened to your last project?”

“I said I made a mistake, that I wanted to start over to get a good grade.”

“Okay?” Clarke was very skeptical. “But she probably knows who I am, right? You know, since there have been other... incidents.”

Lexa shook her head.

“She doesn't know anything.”

“ _What_?” Clarke asked again. “All those times that you came home with a bag full of slime or a new nickname... Why wouldn't you rat me out?”

Clarke expected Lexa to get angry when she brought up these past disagreements, but instead, the other girl just shrugged and fixed her gaze at something far away. And for the first time ever, Clarke noticed how _green_ her eyes were. It was as if an entire rain forest was reflected in them.

“It's just that she worries plenty about me already”, she explained. “I never wanted to give her another reason to.”

An awkward silence was left behind. Clarke would have preferred an angry Lexa, that she could handle. What she couldn't handle, on the other hand, was this new version of Lexa that she'd never seen before. Honest Lexa. Open and vulnerable Lexa. To Clarke, she had always been the weird girl who should blame herself for not fitting in, since she was clearly putting no effort into doing so. She was too cocky and annoying for her own good, and no amount of harsh words ever seemed to get to her. The girl was a robot, so the concept of there being someone who cared for and worried about Lexa was completely new to Clarke.

None of them said another word until a small, green car pulled up to them and a blonde woman enthusiastically waved through the rolled down window. 

“Hi sweetie”, she said. “Did you have a good day at school?”

“Yeah, sure”, Lexa answered, and when she opened the door to the passenger seat she leaned over to let her mom give her a peck on the cheek. Clarke had to look away. This was not how she'd imagined Lexa acting outside of school.

The car only had one door on each side, so Lexa folded the front seat down before climbing in the back seat and motioning for Clarke to do the same.

It was quite possible that this was the most out of place she had ever felt in her life. As she climbed in through the door she offered an awkward smile and a nod to Lexa's mom, who still looked just as enthusiastic as before. When Clarke had settled in and the seat was back in its place, the mother turned around to look at Clarke again.

“It's nice to meet you!” she said. “My name is Diane. What's your name, dear?”

“Clarke”, was all Clarke managed to get out.

Diane nodded and turned to the steering wheel again. She put the car in drive and they rolled out of the parking lot. Clarke couldn't help but throw one last glance out the window to check if anybody had seen, but the few people who were out on this side of the building seemed busy. She let out a sigh of relief.

“It's so nice to see Lexa bringing a friend home from school!” Diane continued the conversation. “You know, since it happens so rarely.”

To her left, Lexa stirred uncomfortably and rolled her eyes.

“Mom, I don't...”

“No honey”, Diane continued. “No one should be alone all the time.”

Clarke kept her eyes glued to her lap. If Lexa was alone all the time, Clarke had definitely played a part in making it that way. It didn't feel great admitting that to herself in the presence of Lexa's mom.

After a 10 minute drive, they arrived at a small, one story, mint green house. The facade was definitely due for a repaint a decade ago, a window shutter was hanging off its hinges and the lawn was filled with dead, yellow spots. In other words, Clarke was not impressed.

The seat had to be folded once again so that they could climb back out from the back seat, and by the time both girls were standing on the dry lawn, Diane had already opened the front door and something big and beige was coming at them at high speed. Clarke automatically jumped 3 steps backwards, while Lexa kneeled down to greet it. Suddenly, all that could be seen was fur and a black nose and a wagging tail, a tangle of limbs, both human and not, and then: Lexa's bright laugh in the middle of it all.

Clarke stopped focusing on the big, scary beast, dropped her hands from the self-protective stance they'd been stuck in. In fact, she might have stopped breathing all together. Her arms were hanging limply at her sides, and her eyes were glued to Lexa. As the girl let the dog lick her cheeks, she wore the brightest smile Clarke had ever seen. White teeth showing and nose scrunched up a little when the tongue of the dog got too close to her mouth. She cupped the dogs head in her hands and kissed its nose before burying her face in the fur on its neck.

If Clarke had been able to put words to what she was feeling, she would have described this as the sweetest, most endearing and beautiful thing she had ever witnessed. But she didn't know that yet. She didn't know why she couldn't tear her eyes off of Lexa, or why her whole body was put in a sort of hyper sensitive state, legs almost shaking beneath her. She only felt herself torn out of her trance and breathing again when Lexa looked up at her, noticed her distance and raised an eyebrow at her.

“You don't like dogs?” she asked.

Clarke didn't trust herself to speak yet, so she just shook her head.

“That's too bad”, Lexa answered, before turning back to the dog with a smile. “because Daisy is just the sweetest being ever to exist. Yes you are! She's a Golden Retriever, they're very friendly.”

She turned back to Clarke.

“I was about to tell you she never bites, but then again she's never met anyone as rotten as you so I guess I can't make any promises.”

The dark cloud she so much associated with Lexa finally reappeared in the very soul of Clarke. About time. She should have known it would be impossible to spend an entire afternoon with Lexa, in Lexa's house, and not feel angry and frustrated. There Lexa was, thinking she was better than Clarke once again. How could she be so mean and hateful all the time?! Why did she hate her so much...

Before she had time to do anything but glare, Lexa turned around and started walking towards the house, Daisy following at her heels. Clarke sighed loudly with frustration and forced herself to calm down if she were to survive this stupid documentary.

 

Luckily, they didn't have to spend more than 15 minutes awkwardly waiting for the documentary to start. During these 15 minutes Clarke prepared her notebook and pen to be able to write everything down, and Lexa actually brought snacks for the two of them from the kitchen, a package of biscuits and a jug of lemonade. She'd also removed the contacts she'd apparently been wearing every day in school, and instead put on a pair of round glasses that Clarke had never seen her in, but that suited her really well.

She saw her sit back comfortably, a pen in one hand, a biscuit in the other, and Clarke tried to relax and do the same. It was a feeling beyond strange to spend her Friday afternoon in Lexa's house of all places. It smelled strange, but also familiar. She'd sat close enough to Lexa on some occasions that her smell had nestled itself into Clarke's memory somehow. The living room was filled with details of Lexa's life. A bookshelf absolutely stuffed with books, a lunar calendar on the wall, a snow globe with the Hogwarts castle inside and even baby pictures of a tiny Lexa wearing her mom's boots and a Lexa with no front teeth. Clarke felt so uncomfortable she was relieved when the opening titles of the documentary appeared and she could focus instead on the boring work that awaited her.

The spent the full hour in complete silence, both focusing on their respective task. It took Clarke no more than 5 minutes to get bored out of her mind, but she kept on working, trying to convince herself that time would go faster if she did. So many names were mentioned, and she had to write down every single one, not to mention the fact that she didn't understand half of what was said. More than half, probably. Lexa sure knew how to go overboard, there was no way in hell all this content was required for the class she was taking.

As soon as the credits rolled up on the screen, Lexa reached over and snatched Clarke's notepad out of her hand to read through what she'd written. She wrinkled her forehead in annoyance.

“You forgot about that Irish institute”, she said. “That was like one of the main sources, how could you forget to write that down?”

She both sighed and rolled her eyes, and then proceeded to add the name herself to the notes.

“Excuse me!” Clarke said defensively. “I'm doing my best to help you out here!”

“Yeah, thank you for ruining my project, that was helpful!” Lexa snarled. “And thank you for helping me fix it only because the principal will punish you if you don't. You're morals are all in place!”

“You know what”, Clarke said, physically shaking with anger from being attacked, and the fact that she'd heard Diane leave the house with Daisy a while ago making her brave. Lexa could make her feel feelings more powerful than anything else, and she desperately wanted to have the same effect on Lexa. She wanted to be able to make the other girl as furious and hurt as she was at the moment. “Why would I be taking advice from you? Who ever listens to someone like you?! You're nobody!”

She stared into those green eyes intently, waiting for a strong reaction, but Lexa just snorted.

“What you don't get is that _I don't care what you think of me_ ”, she started. “ You think you're more important than everyone and that I should crave your approval, but you mean nothing to me! You're making a fool out of yourself trying this hard to put me and the rest of the school in place and you don't even know it. One day you'll be out of my life and I won't look back and I won't feel bad about myself and I certainly won't be thinking about you or whatever power you think that you have over me. I don't care, so this thing you're doing is just gonna leave you exhausted and frustrated while I go on and live my life.”

So that stung. All words left Clarke's mind with a long painful breath. Lexa's words left a sharp ache in her chest that she was not familiar to. In the middle of it all, she realized she had no reason to feel this heartbroken. 

_You don't care about what Lexa thinks of you either_ , she reminded herself. _She's not important, right? So suck it up! Stop feeling like this!_

Her efforts didn't help, and she still couldn't find any words. It was probably good that this was how the afternoon ended, she reasoned with herself. For a moment back when Lexa greeted Daisy on the lawn, she'd seen something completely different in Lexa, and it had made her stomach flutter in a very different way than what she was used to. That was not at all the way she was supposed to see Lexa. She could already sense that more of that feeling would mean trouble for her in every possible way. 

After a long moment of silence, she settled for ripping out the pages Lexa needed, handing them to her and packing her notepad and the rest of her things in her bag.

“I'll see you in school”, she said and walked out the front door without looking back.

She was supposed to call her mom when they were done, to get picked up, but she'd just start walking and call her on the way. When she picked up her phone and dialed the number she noticed her hands were shaking.

“Hi mom. Can you take me home now?”

* * *

After an entire weekend of feeling an unexplainable sadness which had led her to avoid all her friends, Clarke finally saw them all gathered outside the school building to chat before the start of class. The first words she heard were:

“Clarke! Nathan saw you the other day after school. Why didn't you tell me you were going home with _Lexa_?”

The words had come out of a very confused looking Finn, and they made her cringe. She'd been so careful about not letting anybody see her.

“You went to her _house_?!” Octavia yelled and multiple heads turned in their direction. “The Devil's den?! Does she sleep in a coffin?”

As usual, Clarke felt very annoyed with her friends.

“Shush! Why do you think?!” she hissed to keep people around them from hearing. “It's humiliating and I already probably smell like garbage! Now let's never mention this again.”

She crossed her arms over her chest and tried to force herself not to start thinking about Lexa again, which is what she had been doing all weekend.

She quickly reminded herself that Lexa's house was an ugly dumpster and it smelled like shit and Clarke never ever wanted to go back there.

_But it was pretty homey too, and it actually smelled pretty lovely. And all those pictures of little Lexa were very cute...._

No! Lexa was the Devil's spawn. Clearly raised by monsters. She had nothing good in her and would ruin the world some day.

_Except Lexa's mom was actually really sweet, and so Lexa seemed to be when she was at home. And maybe it was possible that... kind of... Lexa's smile was bright enough to stop wars and that the thought of never seeing it again brought a dullness to her heart..._

Her friends knew her well enough to realize she wasn't in the mood to talk, and her thoughts of Lexa were only disrupted when she saw the actual Lexa step out of a car in the parking lot.

It wasn't the same car that had come to pick up the two of them last Friday. Did Lexa's family own 2 cars? Was this Lexa's dad giving her a ride? Did her dad live with them? This was the first time Clarke had wondered about it. She hadn't seen him Friday night, but maybe he worked late? Lexa had never mentioned him...

She was simultaneously trying to figure out every detail of Lexa's life and cursing herself for caring.

But out of the driver's seat stepped, not Lexa's dad, but Roan, a boy also in his senior year who Clarke knew to be not quite popular but not quite the outcast that Lexa was. She'd never realized he and Lexa were friends. She'd never realized Lexa had any friends at all, and her soul turned green at the sight of him.

She was brought out of her thoughts, realizing she'd been staring when Lexa's eyes suddenly found hers over the crowd. She looked into the same glacial gaze she always got. She really needed to get a grip, this obsession with Lexa was clearly spinning miles out of control. Clarke wasn't a part of Lexa's world, she never would be. It was time for her brain to stop acting disappointed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter: Clarke find out something she wasn't suppose to.


	4. A New Perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW in this chapter for hospitals and blood...
> 
> Also, in this chapter there's a reference to the book series "The Engelsfors Trilogy" by Mats Strandberg and Sara Bergmark Elfgren. I _strongly_ advice you to check it out! It's about a bunch of high school girls who have absolutely nothing in common until they all find out they're witches. Some of them hate each other, but they are forced to work together. It also features what might be my favorite lesbian pairing. Ever. Now go check it out!

Two minutes passed by before Clarke had mustered up the nerve to enter the library and see Lexa again. It was her Thursday free period and she still hadn't recovered from the emotional mess she had become after going to her house almost a week ago. She had absolutely no words to describe her feelings and it left her nervous, restless and sleep deprived.

_Lexa is still the same person she's always been, and so are you, Clarke told herself. The fact that you've been to her house changes nothing. Her lack of moral and normalness is not contagious. You will not go crazy from visiting her house once, and you never have to go back there again._

This last thought didn't want to get out of her head, and it left a bitter feeling in the pit of her stomach. She forced herself to push it out.

_You will never go back to her house, and that's a good thing! You don't feel sad about the two of you fighting and the fact that you mean absolutely nothing to her. You definitely don't still think about her smile and her green eyes and her glasses that you're probably the only one who's seen her in..._

Okay shit, this was not effective. She might as well just get it over with. She quickly pushed the door open and went inside, only to see their usual table empty. Fantastic. So she'd been freaking out for no reason at all. She had been in school for philosophy class this morning, but now that she thought about it she hadn't seen her in the biology classroom when she'd met up with Finn for lunch. Apparently Lexa was completely fine with skipping school to stand her up, not even bothering to tell her that Clarke could spend her free period doing something else!

Just to be sure she went around the corner to see if she was hiding out in the separate biology department, but all she saw was a two young freshmen making out with each other, and she made sure they heard her “ew!” before she turned around and went back to take a seat. She figured she could give Lexa a few minutes to get there. It wasn't because she actually wanted to see her or anything, she was just trying to be decent...

She felt like an idiot, waiting impatiently for more than five minutes before the doors opened and Lexa stormed inside, panting as though she'd been running. She sat down in her usual seat.

“Sorry!” she breathed out.

“Thought you'd stood me up”, Clarke said grumpily with her arms crossed. “You weren't in biology.”

Lexa just smiled in a teasing way, but gave no answer to what she'd actually been doing. It took her almost a minute to finally catch her breath, during which Clarke's annoyance subsided a bit. At least she'd been trying to make it there on time.

Lexa started to take out the things that she needed to study, and Clarke watched her from across the table.

“I saw you come to school with Roan the other day”, she said, trying not to sound bothered. She wasn't, after all.

Lexa looked up at her with one eyebrow raised.

“So?” she said.

“I just... didn't know you guys were friends”, she shrugged and looked away.

“Friends might be an overstatement”, Lexa answered. “He's my neighbor, my mom talks to his mom sometimes and I ride with him whenever mom has an early shift.”

Her answer made Clarke feel strangely satisfied, and she went back to watching Lexa prepare her notes. Before she could stop herself she had blurted out another question.

“Does your dad live with you?”

Lexa froze and looked up at her with a glare.

“Why are you talking to me?” she asked coldly. “We don't need to do the whole 'get to know each other' thing. Do I need to remind you that we're not friends?”

Clarke frowned. She was painfully aware of that.

Lexa returned to her notes, but to Clarke's surprise she actually responded.

“No, he doesn't live with us”, she mumbled without looking up.

So maybe they we're getting somewhere after all. This whole talking thing was actually not that bad.

Just as Clarke thought this study session might not be so terrible, the doors out into the hallway opened once again and Octavia walked in with the rest of the English literature students. She waved at Clarke with a wink before starting to look through the shelves together with the rest of her class. Clarke suddenly felt a familiar feeling of embarrassment from being seen together with Lexa. Well at least she could finally recognize herself again!

Within minutes, Lexa was completely absorbed in her work. Scribbling for dear life, only stopping every once in a while to ask Clarke to fetch a specific book or go google something on one of the library computers. This was exactly what Clarke had pictured when she'd been nominated Lexa's personal slave, and she was not enjoying it.

After having written two whole pages of notes, Lexa suddenly put her notepad down and looked up at Clarke.

“I'm going to the bathroom”, she said. “I trust you'll watch over our things until I come back.”

Clarke hummed and leaned back in her chair, looking out the window. She jumped when someone put their hand on her shoulder.

“What are you waiting for”, Octavia mumbled in her ear, nodding her head in the direction of Lexa's chair.

“Huh?”

Clarke felt nothing but confusion. Octavia looked at her as if she was crazy.

“Aren't you dying to snoop in her bag?” she asked. “You never know what you'll find in there. Dead puppies, a hit-list, a bottle of innocent souls...”

Clarke chuckled at this and glanced over at Lexa's bag. Now that Octavia mentioned it, it was a pretty good idea. She would be lying to say she wasn't curious to find out more about Lexa. She nodded in agreement, and Octavia quickly snatched the bag from the floor and proceeded to look inside, with Clarke hanging over her shoulder full of curiosity.

“A human geography textbook”, Octavia mumbled with fake excitement. “Very original.”

She then pulled up a book looking similar to the one Lexa had been reading during their first study session. “The Engelsfors Trilogy” it read in the middle of the front page. She turned it over read on the back.

“...teenage witches... demons... the apocalypse...”, she read aloud. “It seems we have found Lexa's self biography.”

Clarke managed to let out something resembling a laugh, but she couldn't feel at ease going through Lexa's things like this.

Octavia lifted a few more things and then stopped dead in her tracks.

“Oh. My. God”, she whispered.

She discretely picked up a small plastic bag containing a bunch of small white pills.

“She _is_ taking drugs”, she whispered. “I told you she was! Murphy saw her do it, and that was at a party at Roma's house. You know her boyfriend deals that kind of shit, I bet that's where she gets it!”

Clarke could not believe her eyes. A few weeks ago she would have been ecstatic to find something like this, not wasting a second before spreading rumors over the entire school. But now, the biggest part of her felt disappointed. She was not a particularly big fan of drugs, and for some reason it upset her that Lexa was involved in that kind of stuff. The Lexa that she had seen the other day, playing with her dog and kissing her mom hello after school, shouldn't get drawn into that kind of crowd. But then again, who was Clarke to think she knew anything about her after spending no more than an hour and a half at her place. Considering the clothes that Lexa wore, the dark make up and the dark novels, she had no idea what kind of darkness hid behind those deep green eyes.

Both Clarke and Octavia had been frozen for too long, and Octavia was the first one to come out of the trance.

“At least we could sell it”, she said twitching her eyebrows suggestively.

Then she put the pills in her pocket, and before Clarke could protest she'd closed the bag, put it back exactly the way she found it and was on her way back to her class.

 _NO!_ Clarke wanted to scream after her.

It was definitely not their job to meddle in what Lexa did in her spare time. But she couldn't draw any attention to herself. With more than one teacher present she would get in huge trouble if she was caught. So she kept her mouth shut, heart hammering in her chest as she used all the willpower she had to stay calm and try to act normal when Lexa came strolling back and slumped down in her seat.

* * *

Finn was the one lying next to her when she fell asleep. Finn was the one who's arm was draped around her from behind, the one with whom she was breathing in harmony. 

Sometimes when Abby worked the night shift at the hospital and Jake was out of town, he came over to spend the night. Clarke really enjoyed these moments. She enjoyed watching trash tv together and taking turns on doing their best impressions of the people on the screen. She enjoyed trying out yoga poses on her bedroom floor and listening to music. Finn was good company, a good friend.

Then, the night would take a whole different turn, which Clarke had to admit she enjoyed much less. She convinced herself that it was normal. Not everyone was a big fan of sex, right? She'd do it because she was supposed to, but she'd be glad when it was over. It sometimes left her restlessly awake and it sometimes left her exhausted and asleep within minutes.

Finn was the one lying next to her when she fell asleep, but he wasn't the one that followed her into her dream.

Later, when she woke up she would only remember small details. Hands touching, a light kiss on her cheek, her body and another's stuck in a tight embrace. There was only one detail that would stay clear after the dream faded away. Two warm and beautiful deep green eyes looking into hers.

She sat up straight, Finn still sleeping beside her.

“What the actual fuck is this supposed to mean”, she muttered to herself.

 

The dream put he in a funky mood for the rest of the day. She tried as best as she could to avoid both Lexa and Finn. She didn't feel in the mood to either have to deal with all of the strange reactions her body seemed to have every time that Lexa was around, nor to try to be a good girlfriend when being with Finn at the moment was so... boring and uneventful.

She spent lunch with Maya and Harper, which did not happen very often but on enough occasions that it didn't seem weird. She made a mental note to hang out with the two of them more often, as she actually ended up having a really good time.

By the time art class rolled around, which was the last class of her day, she almost felt like herself again, more in control of her feelings. All that was left was a faint fluttery feeling that had intensified every time she spotted Lexa in the hallway.

She found the painting she'd gotten started on the day before yesterday and made her way over to her easel. There she doubtfully scrutinized her work. It had been a desperate idea in lack of better inspiration, an empty chair at the end of a dock. What she realized now was that the painting lacked both interesting details as well as a story and a soul. Sighing she threw it to the side and put a new canvas in its place.

And then she felt that powerful need to create something beautiful seep back inside her, scenes of nature dancing in front of her eyes. She quickly tumbled around the classroom like a whirlwind, gathering everything she needed, she mixed together the perfect shades and then she started painting.

It was an incredible thrill. It had been months since she felt herself being absorbed by her work in this way. The rest of the world was just a faint murmur as she watched a landscape appear in front of her very eyes. When she reached this trance-like state she was a professional and she knew it. Her hands worked fast as lightning, every stroke of the paintbrush was calculated with precision.

It wasn't until towards the end of the class, when Indra walked by behind her, letting out a “wow” that Clarke finally took a step back to admire what she'd created.

Every detail wasn't added yet, but she was clearly looking at a calm blue-green river running through a rain forest. Surrounded by trees on both sides and illuminated by the moon, it was absolutely enchanting to look at. Taking in the entire painting at once, all Clarke could think about was how green it was. This forest very much resembled one she'd seen before somewhere... Green eyes once again appeared before her eyes and she tried to physically shake the image out of there. No. That was not where this was coming from!

“You finally found it again!” Indra said from behind her, and Clarke turned around to look into her proud eyes, a smile appearing on her own face.

“I sure did”, she answered.

* * *

A few days later, Clarke was still feeling very inspired and she'd asked her mom to go shopping for new art supplies

“I haven't heard you say that in a long time”, Abby had said, looking at her rather joyfully.

Clarke had gone directly to her mom's job when she'd woke up that Saturday morning, planning on catching up on some homework while waiting for her to finish her shift. She'd visited her mom at work a lot when she was younger, and as a child she'd dreamed of becoming a doctor too. That dream had been crushed in middle school when she'd realized her skills in medicine and biology were absolutely rubbish and that there was no way in hell she'd survive medical school.

She was still quite comfortable in the hospital environment though, unlike most other people she knew, and she found she usually got a lot of work done when she came here to do homework.

She knew her mom should be out of surgery by now and after confidently walking through the sliding doors of the main entrance she immediately followed the signs to post-op, hoping to find her mother there.

Some of her mom's coworkers recognized her and waved as she walked by.

“Your mom is at the nurses station down that corridor”, one of them told her and pointed her in the right direction.

“Thanks”, she called over her shoulder and hurried to find Abby.

“Hi, honey!” her mom called out when she spotted her. “You're early!”

“I know”, Clarke answered. “I thought I could do some homework while I wait for you.”

“Okay”, Abby nodded in approval.

“How long until you're ready to go?” 

“Well, I need to consult another doctor about a patient”, she answered. “And then I need to arrange for a patient to be transferred to another hospital. I also need to finish up some paperwork, so you might need to wait for more than an hour.”

“That's okay”, Clarke assured. “It's even better for my algebra homework.”

“It's a bit chaotic here”, Abby said. “I could give you permission to sit in the attending's lounge, that'll get you some peace and quiet. It's in the hematology wing. You just follow this hallway, turn right at the end of it, then you take the second turn to the left, go down a flight of stairs, there you turn left, walk past a....

“Whoah, mom”, Clarke interrupted. “I'm not keeping up with any of that, I'll just follow the signs, alright?”

“Sure”, Abby answered with an amused smile.

“Bye!”

And then Clarke was on her way. She made the right turn, found the second hallway to the left, walked down the stairs to the floor beneath. There she turned right and tried to look for signs leading her to the hematology wing. Two big swinging doors blocked the middle of the hallway, and she walked through them to a hallway that was a lot more chaotic than any other place in this hospital. People were running in every direction, there was yelling and crying, a man was lying on a gurney in the hallway, moaning and clutching his arm to his chest. She skeptically walked a few steps, wondering where she'd ended up when she spotted a sign at the wall: “Emergency Room”. Well that explained things. She'd definitely gotten lost somehow.

She'd just turned around to walk back to where she came from when someone called out her name from behind her.

“Clarke!”

The voice was filled with such agony and desperation that Clarke stopped dead in her tracks and spun around. At first she didn't understand who'd been calling, there were so many people there. But then she spotted her, standing in the middle of the hallway, arms limply by her sides and tears streaming down her face. Diane, Lexa's mom.

Clarke felt a cold sensation spread inside her, like she was falling. She hesitantly walked towards the crying woman. They'd only met once, and yet she was looking at her like she was all she had to grab on to in this world.

“How did you find out?” Diane sobbed and Clarke didn't even have time to react before she'd been pulled into the woman's arms. “Did Roan get in touch with you? Oh, I'm so glad you're here!”

Clarke understood absolutely nothing, but luckily Diane seemed to be too out of it to notice she was standing there looking like a question mark.

“I can't believe this is happening again!” she said as fresh tears spilled onto her cheeks. “I can't go through this again. I'm so scared, Clarke, you have no idea. I hate seeing her like this, I can't stand it!”

That cold feeling in her gut was starting to feel more like a block of ice, or like someone was pouring liquid nitrogen into her. There was really just one person Diane could be talking about.

“These new meds she's been taking were supposed to be so good for her!” she continued. “This wasn't supposed to happen, not again!”

And then she started sobbing too loudly to be able to continue talking.

 _What is happening_ , was all Clarke wanted to know, but at the same time she knew she wouldn't want to hear the answer. She didn't ask, but she didn't have to. Because in that moment the door right next to her swung open and a doctor rushed out,

“I need an chest scan!” he called out to one of the nurses nearby.

Through the now open door, Clarke witnessed a scene she knew she would never forget for as long as she lived. Lexa was sitting upright on a bed, legs pulled up to her chest, rocking herself slightly while a handful of doctors and nurses rushed around her. The first thing Clarke noticed was that she was covered in blood. Her hands, her sweatpants and her once white oversized t-shirt that she'd probably slept in.

She tried to find a source for the bleeding, where was she bleeding? How could there be so much blood?

But then Lexa started coughing and fresh blood welled up and stained her shirt. A terrible hacking cough that had her hug her chest tightly as to release the pain. A nurse started rubbing circles on her back while another brought an oxygen mask to her face.

And all Clarke could do was just stare. She might as well have been glued to the spot, doubting she could have moved away even if a pack of lions came running at her from down the hall. All reason was gone, she could not form one coherent thought.

No more than a few seconds had passed, but it felt like she'd been standing there, frozen on her spot for a whole eternity when Lexa finally raised her gaze and their eyes met. Those beautiful green eyes were now filled with tears, she looked so scared. Fragile and hurting and scared.

And at once the moment was broken. She suddenly realized she'd intruded on a very private moment. She should not be here, this was not her place. It almost hurt to tear her eyes off of Lexa, but she did it. She had to.

She turned back to Diane who was looking at her daughter looking even more scared than Lexa had.

“I have to...”

Clarke was surprised she was able to get any words out at all.

“I have to go!”

A second later she was running. Running for dear life through the long corridors of the hospital. She left the emergency room, ran straight ahead not even reflecting on where she was heading. She realized she was in luck when she spotted a sign to the hematology wing, and she took a right. She slowed down and desperately looked around for the attending's lounge, quickly closing the door behind her when she finally found it, relieved to find that it was empty.

She was breathing so heavily that she wondered for a moment if this was what a panic attack felt like. The image of Lexa covered in blood never leaving her mind for a second. She slumped down on a couch, too shocked to do anything but stare out into space.

She had no idea at all for how long she sat there, but by the time her mom entered the room she hadn't moved an inch and she was still visibly shaking.

“Weren't you supposed to do your homework?” Abby asked before she noticed the state her daughter was in. “What's wrong, sweetie?” She asked then and sat down next to her.

“Ehm...” Clarke's voice was shaking too, and she tried to find any words to use. “I got lost on my way here and I... I saw someone who was hurt.”

Abby put her arms around her and pulled her to her.

“Oh, I'm sorry, I'm guessing it was pretty bad?” she asked.

Clarke just nodded.

“I'm sure they'll be alright”, she tried to soothe. “This is a good hospital, you know that, right?”

“But what if they're not?” Clarke whispered.

Abby sighed.

“I'm sorry to say it, but people get hurt every day. All we can do is try our very best to save as many as we can, and at the end of the day we need to find a way to feel satisfied with that.”

Clarke decided to nod in agreement, even though she didn't agree at all. If those doctors didn't manage to save Lexa she wouldn't feel satisfied no matter how many other lives were saved that day.

She had no recollection of even going to the car. All she remembered after that was walking slowly through the art supply store, without any idea of what she needed to get. She ended out picking out a few colors, most of which she realized when she got home she already had.

Somehow, she managed to get through the entire day with an almost decent act of everything being okay. Well, maybe not that decent since her parents kept coming up to check on her where she laid sprawled on her bed for the better part of the day. She didn't cry until everyone had gone to bed that night and she was left alone in silence and with that awful scene still playing over and over in her mind. 

She wasn't even sure if Lexa was still alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I TOLD YOU THERE WOULD BE A LOT OF ANGST, DID I NOT?!
> 
> Clarke has definitely been shocked back into reality by now. With that said, try not to kill me :-)
> 
> In the next chapter: Clarke is _not_ having an easy time and she finds no sympathy in Lexa.


	5. Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This picks up right where we left off!

The clock had already passed 03:30 in the morning but Clarke's eyes were still wide awake in the darkness. Her tears had finally dried, but she didn't feel any better. She'd already browsed the internet for answers on what could possibly make someone cough up a whole puddle of blood, and she had not liked what she'd read. Though she probably shouldn't be surprised to find out that a couple gallons of blood coming out of your mouth was usually a very bad thing.

For the first couple hours of trying to fall asleep, Lexa had been all Clarke could think about, but as the night went on, Diane's words had started to seep into her mind as well.

_I can't go through this again._

So this had happened more than once? The thought made Clarke feel sick to her stomach and a shiver ran through her entire body. Lexa had said that her mom worried a lot about her, and now she knew Diane had a damned good reason to. She was beginning to feel quite certain that this episode was very much related to all those days when Lexa had been missing classes. All those times that Clarke had been annoyed at her for being away and then getting special treatment from the teachers... They were without doubt in on the secret and Clarke felt like a selfish, childish idiot! While she had been occupied with her own petty problems, Lexa might have been fighting to breathe through her blood-filled lungs.

_What is wrong with her?_

These thoughts kept circulating in her brain until her alarm clock read 05:42 and she still hadn't slept for a second. It wasn't until then that a thought hit her that made her blood freeze.

_These new meds she's been taking were supposed to be so good for her!_

That's what Diane had said, and Clarke finally thought of the pills that Octavia had taken from Lexa's bag! Who knew how important they might be? Clarke felt sure that she was the type of person that wouldn't tell her mom that she'd lost them. What if it was actually her and Octavia that had jeopardized Lexa's health?

She sat up and leaned her head against her knees. What the hell was she supposed to do? She was positive she had never felt this horrible in her entire life, she hadn't known a state like this even existed. One thing was sure: she wouldn't be able to sleep or eat or focus on anything really until she'd seen that Lexa was okay. She knew they were arch enemies and all, but Lexa did not deserve this, and in this moment Clarke didn't even care if the whole world knew that she worried about Lexa. Her image that used to be her number one priority had now sunk to the very bottom of her priority list.

She'd thought she'd wait at least until sunrise to get up and try to go see Lexa, but she'd been spending the entire night in emotional agony and was now so restless she wished she could crawl out of her skin and disappear. She couldn't stay in bed any longer. Visiting hours at the hospital didn't start until 10, but she didn't care. She'd sneak in somehow. And before visiting the hospital she had another thing to take care of.

Now that she'd made up her mind she couldn't waste another second. Within minutes she was dressed and ready to go.

Abby had already gotten up to work the early shift and when Clarke swooshed past the kitchen she was sitting there, almost choking on her coffee at the sight of Clarke awake before 6 on a Sunday.

“Where are you going?” she called after her.

“I'm going for a run!” Clarke answered and slipped her shoes on at record speed.

“But you're wearing jeans!” Abby remarked, but Clarke had already slammed the door behind her.

If she would have managed to get that damned license she could have borrowed a car, but she hated the death trap that was driving and always panicked every time she sat behind the wheel. So had to settle for her bike, which was fine. The town wasn't very big anyway and she'd get there fast enough.

Her bike rolled faster than it ever had and she didn't even wait for it to stop before she jumped off and it fell over with a loud thud on Octavia's lawn. There was a ladder leading to the balcony by Octavia's room, one that she'd used many times to sneak in and out. She climbed it, jumped over the railing and banged on the window in rage.

A light turned on and Octavia appeared in the window, still looking asleep.

“Clarke, what the hell?” she said when she opened the door. “It's like in the middle of the...”

But Clarke had already stormed past her and pulled out her sock drawer.

“What are you doing?” Octavia hissed. “You're waking my entire family!”

“Where are those pills you took!” Clarke demanded and finally turned to look at her.

Octavia took a step back in shock when she saw the anger that filled Clarke's eyes.

“What do you...”

“Just give them to me!” Clarke yelled, her determination causing Octavia to finally move and pull out the plastic bag from the drawer in her nightstand.

Clarke snatched them out of her hand and clutched them tightly as to protect them from Octavia's thieving fingers.

“You had no right taking them!” she yelled.

“I'm sorry...” Octavia said still in shock. “I thought you wanted me to.”

“I didn't!” Clarke answered. “I didn't want you to, it was a completely fucked up thing to do!”

“Why didn't you say so then?” Octavia said.

Clarke almost felt herself starting to cry again.

“You were too fast!” she said. “You just took them and left and I didn't dare to yell 'stop stealing' in front of the teachers!”

“Fine”, Octavia said, starting to look at least a little regretful. “Just give them back and no harm will be done.”

“What do you know about that?!” Clarke yelled, her anger intensifying. “You don't know anything about the harm that's already been done! You stole something that wasn't yours, and now you're acting like there's an excuse for it, but there's not!”

Today was not Octavia's lucky day, as her mother walked in in the middle of Clarke's rant.

“Clarke!” she said, as surprised as Octavia had been to see her. “What are you doing here? I thought your mom didn't want you to come over here?”

“Oh, don't worry”, Clarke said, her eyes still glued to Octavia and filled with darkness. “I won't be coming back.”

And then she turned around to walk back onto the balcony.

“What?” Octavia said behind her. “Clarke, wait!”

She caught up to her just before Clarke started to climb over the railing and spun her around so that their eyes met once again.

“What do you mean?” she asked. 

This time her voice was filled with sadness and worry. Clarke was completely drained from their argument, she had no emotions left to express. So she just looked back at her with an empty expression.

“I don't think we should be friends anymore”, she said, before proceeding to climb back down the ladder, leaving a wordless Octavia behind and a not-so-pleasant impending conversation between mom and daughter.

 

A few minutes later she parked her bike outside the hospital. She walked through the main entrance to find the place was really calm. She knew she was crazy to try and sneak in to see a patient before 7 in the morning, but she was hoping luck was on her side. If not, she would wait. If she could prevent crossing paths with her mom that would be great too.

She decided it was best to ask a familiar face. Without looking suspicious she quickly scanned the reception area, realizing she recognized no one. She casually made her way to the nurse's station she knew was on the second floor. If only she knew where they'd put Lexa things would be a lot easier. Was she in the Cardiology department? Oncology? What if she'd had to be put in the intensive care unit? Or worse.... In the long halls under the hospital was the morgue. Clarke felt a sharp pain in her chest at the thought.

On the second floor she was relieved to see her favorite nurse. Nurse Cartwig was really good friends with Abby, and when Clarke had come here as a child she'd always found a way to get her a coloring book or a magazine to pass time. Hopefully, she was still as eager to help Clarke out.

“Cece!” Clarke called out and walked up to her where she sat behind the desk.

“Clarke! Long time no see!” Cece smiled at her. “What can I do for you today?”

“Ehm...” Clarke mumbled and she was sure now that her inner chaos was showing.

“Something wrong?” Cece asked and wrinkled her forehead in concern.

“Yeah”, she sighed. “A friend of mine from school came in here yesterday, and I don't know how she's doing.”

“And you wanted to go see her”, Cece said with understanding.

Clarke nodded eagerly. Cece thought for a short moment.

“Okay”, she gave in. “But only for you! What's her name?”

“Lexa”, Clarke almost whispered, even the name felt fragile on her lips.

“Last name?”

Clarke stopped. Holy f*ing shit. She didn't know Lexa's last name! How was that possible? Lexa had moved here in 4th grade for God's sake! How had she never learned her name?!

“Uhm, I don't know.”

Clarke cringed at her own words, and Cece looked confused but thankfully didn't comment on it.

“Okay...” she said and searched on the computer. “Well, I can't find anyone with the first name Lexa.”

“What?” Clarke was very confused now. “But I saw her come in yesterday, maybe she's been discharged?”

“I'm looking through the patient records from yesterday, and I can't see any Lexa... At around what time was she admitted?”

“Some time in the morning”, Clarke said. “Before 10. She's 17 years old, came in coughing blood all over the place.”

Cece typed some more.

“That sounds like miss Alexandria Woods”, she said, looking up at Clarke, searching for a sign of recognition.

Clarke was shocked silent for a moment. Lexa wasn't her full name?! 

_Alexandria._

She couldn't remember ever hearing a name that beautiful before. But she was absolutely certain it was Lexa, the name Woods rang a bell in the back of her head.

“Yes!” she said. “That's her!”

“You'll find her in the Cardiopulmonary department. Room 316.”

“Thank you so much, Cece!” Clarke breathed with relief. “I owe you one! And would you mind not mentioning this to anyone? Like, to my mom, for example?”

Cece pretended to zip her lips shut and winked at her.

“Thank you!” Clarke said again before starting to walk at a fast pace towards the right department. She already felt way better now that she knew that Lexa was here and that she was still breathing and that she would get to see her in a minute.

She waited impatiently for the elevator to take her to the right floor, and then quickly found herself outside door number 316. There was a window in the door, through which Clarke could see Lexa sitting up in bed with her head leaned back on her pillow, eyes closed and big headphones covering her ears. She appeared to be alone and Clarke thought she looked awake, but she wasn't sure and didn't want to wake her, so she stood there for a moment, watching her awkwardly until she saw her raise her hand to scratch the back of her head. She then took a deep breath, suddenly feeling like a nervous wreck, and knocked lightly on the door.

Lexa opened her eyes and spotted her through the window, eyeing her skeptically. She didn't make any sign for Clarke to either step in or go away, so Clarke took it upon herself to open the door and step inside.

She didn't know what to say so she said nothing.

“So...” Lexa started, pulling her headphones from her ears. “Are you stalking me now?”

“Yes.”

Her attempted joke had the corners of Lexa's mouth twitch ever to slightly, but it still felt like a huge accomplishment.

Lexa had a blanket pulled up around her, but seemed to be wearing her own pajamas instead of the standard hospital gown.

“You're up early”, Clarke said when she found nothing else to say, and mentally slapped herself for being an awkward idiot who didn't know how to start a conversation.

“I was asleep most of yesterday so...” Lexa explained with a shrug.

“Right...” Clarke nodded, and so they'd reached what they really needed to talk about. “That looked scary, that thing you had yesterday.”

Lexa just nodded, and Clarke found herself amazed at what an honest conversation they were having. Who would have thought?

“Your mom said... that it'd happened before?” she continued. “Does it happen to you a lot?”

To her relief, Lexa shook her head.

“It was only the second time I've had this kind of episode”, she admitted. “And it looks a lot worse than it is. I mean... It's not great, obviously, but... You know, I guess it would look like I'm dying or something.”

“And you're not?” Clarke quickly asked.

“Everyone dies, Clarke”, Lexa pointed out. “But I wasn't planning on going right now, which I guess is what you're really asking.”

“So, you'll get better?”

“No, not really.”

Clarke furrowed her eyebrows, waiting for Lexa to elaborate which, thankfully, she did.

“I have Cystic Fibrosis”, she explained. “Which means that my lungs are pretty much constantly infected and not very useful. It's a genetic disorder that I was born with, so it doesn't go away.”

The wheels were turning inside Clarke's head. She was really frustrated about the fact that her mom's medical gift had not been passed onto her as she would have surely known what Lexa was talking about then. She'd never heard of whatever this condition was, and she didn't understand why it couldn't be cured.

“I'm so sorry”, she mumbled, and she finally felt the tears return to her eyes and quickly spill over.

“Don't be”, Lexa said with an edge to her voice suggesting she really didn't like being pitied. “It is what it is and it's what I'm used to so... No need to mope around about it.”

But she had misunderstood why Clarke was trying to apologize, and Clarke had to gather up her courage to make the confession.

“That's not what I'm sorry about”, she sighed, now too ashamed to even look at Lexa. Instead, she hesitantly walked up to the bed, put her hand in her pocked and pulled out the pills, putting them down beside her before stepping back to put a safe distance between them.

“Of course that was you”, she heard Lexa mutter.

“I'm so sorry!” Clarke said again, her voice breaking from the tears and forcing herself to look Lexa in the eye. “If I would have known something like this would happen I would have told Octavia to put them back immediately! You have to understand that! I thought you used them for a high on lunch break or whatever, I never thought it would kill you not to take them!”

She was expecting Lexa to get mad and yell at her or something along those lines, but instead the girl started laughing, catching Clarke completely off guard.

“What?” she asked dumbfoundedly.

“So you've been walking around thinking this was your fault”, Lexa realized. “Well I can't tell you I'm sorry, you deserve it.”

Clarke felt very confused.

“Those pills are not a matter of life and death, Clarke”, she clarified. “I take them to improve my nutritional uptake, but I can manage without them. The reason I ended up here is because I've caught pneumonia, which happens to me a lot and can be pretty dangerous for someone like me.”

As a demonstration she chose that moment to cough a few times into her elbow. Clarke's eyes shot wide open and she anxiously took an automatic step towards Lexa, waiting for blood to appear like it had yesterday. Thankfully that didn't happen this time though.

Although the crushing guilt she felt did not go away, she did feel an incredible relief knowing that it at least hadn't been her actions that put Lexa in danger, but she was simultaneously embarrassed by the smug look on Lexa's face. Lexa was probably pretty close to knowing exactly how much Clarke had freaked out over this whole situation.

“But you're okay now, right?” Clarke asked carefully. “You'll be going home soon?”

Lexa shrugged.

“You never know.”

Clarke nodded, and when silence filled the room she realized she had run out of reasons to stay. Despite that, it was incredibly hard to turn around and leave.

“I should go”, she sighed.

“Yes you should”, Lexa agreed.

“Well, get better...” Clarke managed to get out before she walked back out the door after one last glance at Lexa.

* * *

“Can we talk?” Finn said and pulled out a chair to sit down, Raven and Octavia doing the same.

Clarke looked up at them, annoyed. She'd been spending her lunches alone for the past week, at an empty table in the very corner of the cafeteria, refusing to talk to any of her friends. Now, they dared come here and intrude and she was not happy about it.

She caught Finn's gaze and suddenly felt bad for him. He was both her friend and boyfriend and she'd been shutting him out for a week. He deserved better than to deal with her shit all the time.

“What's going on?” Raven said. “You've been completely out of it for a week now. Don't you know we all worry about you? Can you please tell us what happened?”

What was she supposed to answer to that? She couldn't very well tell the truth. That a week ago she'd witnessed Lexa, the bringer of darkness, have a terrifying health problem and now she hadn't come back to school yet and Clarke was freaking out about it. That she'd googled everything there was to know about 'Cystic Fibrosis'. Facts about life expectancy and reduced lung capacity, and that she didn't like the idea of Lexa having it one bit. She definitely couldn't tell them that, not that they'd even believe her if she did.

Not knowing what to answer she decided not to say anything at all, and settled for staring into her plate. It was probably best not to look at Octavia, since every time she did the anger flared up inside her once again.

“I know I stepped over the line, okay?” Octavia said. 

After Mrs Blake had walked in on their conversation she'd made sure to find out what had happened. She had then proceeded to call Lexa's mom to discuss everything. Clarke knew that Diane had kept the details from them, probably on Lexa's demand, and Octavia was unaware of what had actually gone down. All she knew was that the pills were used for medical reasons and that she was in deep shit for taking them. Her mom had brought her to church to have a serious discussion on right and wrong and now found herself with a volunteering job at the children's hospital at her hands. She was also grounded and her phone had been taken away, not to mention the fact that both her and Clarke had been suspended from school for two days, so it was safe to say she was paying for what she'd done. But Clarke couldn't find it in her to forgive her, and she definitely couldn't forgive herself.

She knew that her name had been mentioned to Diane, and felt her stomach turn knowing what she must think of her. When Abby had been informed she had first yelled at Clarke the entire afternoon and then proceeded to take Clarke's phone away. She had barely spoken a word to her daughter since. Not that Clarke minded. She was content with locking herself away in her room and not talking to a single soul. She was still trying to find a punishment for herself that was bad enough to make up for the way she'd treated Lexa all those years, and she figured loneliness was a good way to start. After all, Lexa had probably felt her fair share of that thanks to Clarke.

She heard Octavia let out a frustrated sigh.

“Clarke! You know I wouldn't have taken them if I'd have known they were actual medication, I agree that I suck, but I'm not evil! I just don't understand why you're reacting like this now, when you've been the president of the “Torment Lexa”-club since the beginning of time! What changed?”

“We're just trying to understand”, Raven filled in. “Do you know what Lexa needed those pills for? Is that why you're not talking to us? Is it something serious?”

To her credit, Raven actually sounded concerned, but Clarke wasn't about to reveal Lexa's secret for that. There was probably a reason she'd kept it from the entire school. Clarke and Roan might be the only ones who knew, and she was gonna help Lexa keep it that way.

“Clarke, please talk to us!” Finn said, sounding desperate.

Clarke wanted to forgive them, she did. They had all done bad things, but so had Clarke. She was just hoping they would start to see clearly the way that she had. They all needed to do some reevaluations and she wasn't sure how to make that happen.

“I don't like the person I've become”, she finally admitted while looking them all in the eye one by one to show that she meant business. “I don't like the person I am when I'm hanging out with you guys, so I'm sorry but I think I'm gonna have to be on my own for a while.”

Raven looked hurt, Finn looked surprised and Octavia guiltily looked down in her lap.

“I understand”, she sighed. 

“You know we care about you, right?” Raven asked.

“Yeah”, Clarke answered. “But I still think it's best I keep to myself for a while.”

Octavia and Raven looked disappointed but they still stood up to give her the privacy she asked for. Finn lingered behind.

“You say you want to be on your own...” he said tentatively. “What does that mean for you and me?”

The answer to the question came to her with a sense of relief.

“I can't be your girlfriend anymore.”

* * *

Clarke hadn't seen her for 2 weeks when she finally walked into the classroom again, acting as though nothing had happened. She didn't even look at Clarke, she just took a seat in the front of the room, ready to memorize every single word the teacher said. This is what she always did, so Clarke didn't know why it suddenly hurt her this much that Lexa didn't acknowledge her.

She had spent the past two weeks thinking about her obsessively, and here she was acting like Clarke didn't even exist. It brought up a familiar need in her. The need to go up to Lexa and say something hurtful. Something hurtful that would reflect in Lexa's eyes. That was the only way she knew to make Lexa see her, make her acknowledge her.

But that's not how she wanted things to be anymore. She would much rather have Lexa look at her with warmth in her eyes than hatred.

Lexa seemed to avoid her all day, but Clarke finally caught up to her in the hallway right after the last class of the day had ended.

“Hey!” she said, putting a hand on her shoulder to stop her.

Lexa turned around and green eyes looked at her expectantly.

“Aren't we supposed to work on that project of yours?” she asked. “You missed a lot of days. You probably have some more catching up to do?”

“Well aren't you eager”, Lexa answered with a raised eyebrow. “You know I don't really need your help anymore. You've done about all you can do for me, so I guess a 'thank you for your service and bye bye' is in order.”

And then she started to walk away. Clarke did not let her get away with that.

“What do you mean you don't need me anymore?” she asked, and realized as she did so how desperate she sounded.

“I mean what I said”, Lexa started. “That now that the research and planning is all finished I can go on and finish it myself. Are you disappointed?”

_Yes._

At this point they'd already exited the building and Lexa was walking towards the parking lot where Clarke recognized Diane's car.

“Wait!” she cried out, which got Lexa to actually stop and look at her. “How are you?”

She couldn't help but to look at her with worry in her eyes. It was the only question she needed answered. Lexa's reaction, however, was not one she would have hoped for. Her expression turned dark, her entire body expressing a fury that took Clarke by surprise.

“Stop doing that!” she hissed. “I do _not_ need you to treat me differently now that you know! There's no need to pretend that we don't hate each other! Our cooperation is over and we have absolutely no reason to talk to each other anymore, is that so hard to grasp?!”

Lexa's furious eyes stared into Clarke's. She could feel tears threatening to appear and decided it was best to get out of there.

“I'm happy you feel that way!” she said. “Have a good life!”

Then they both turned their backs on each other and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter: Clarke's only wish is for Lexa to stop hating her.


	6. Revenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to the people who take the time to show me you enjoy this story! (Or don't enjoy it, you know, all feedback is good feedback ;) ) It's really interesting to read the thoughts and reactions, that are sometimes not what I expected!

Christmas break arrived only a few days after the break-up between her and Finn, and the atmosphere in the Griffin household was not as joyful as most other years. Clarke was still in a state of emotional distress, and while Jake had realized how much she was beating herself up over her actions, Abby was still acting weird around her.

“You're only lashing out!” she'd said, her voice filled with her hopes and dreams for Clarke's future. “But you shouldn't take it out on poor Finn, he's so good for you!” Every now and then she could be heard sighing all over the house while sometimes letting out phrases like: “But he's such a lovely boy...”

But Clarke wasn't upset over her relationship being over. Not in the slightest. It was, however, nice to be able to blame her low mood on that. Everyone just assumed she was sad about Finn, so she didn't have to try to explain the real reason why she was sad. Luckily. She wasn't sure she would have been able to.

No, Clarke did not waste any thoughts on Finn. It was good for him to move on from her, but there was someone else who occupied her thoughts. Clarke wasn't even going to deny it, she was thinking about Lexa. A lot.

As Christmas Eve arrived, Clarke was sure of two things.

Thing number one: Lexa hated her. She'd said so, explicitly.

_There's no need to pretend that we don't hate each other!_

This was no news. What was news, however, was the fact that Clarke was upset about it. Or maybe, the more she thought about it, it wasn't such news after all. She remembered that time when Lexa had switched seats so she wouldn't have to sit next to Clarke, and Clarke had ended up not-so-accidentally spilling her glass of milk all over her when she walked past her table at lunch time. Not to mention the look of contempt the girl had given her one time when they were teamed up together in gym class, to which Clarke had responded by soaking all of Lexa's clothes in the shower afterwards. She was now finally starting to admit to herself that Lexa's hatred for her had put her out of balance for as long as she could remember.

Which led her to thing number two: she would have to find a way to put an end that hatred.

The realization that Clarke herself no longer held any bad feelings regarding her classmate felt good. She'd spent years being constantly frustrated and annoyed, and now she suddenly found all this new patience within herself. When both her sets of grandparents arrived on Christmas Eve she even managed to, rather politely, answer most of their questions about what happened to their future grandson in-law.

So yeah, Clarke no longer hated Lexa and that was a good thing. Unfortunately, the feeling was not mutual, and that part wasn't as great. It was mostly when she was alone in her bed at night that something would twist uncomfortably inside her chest at the thought of Lexa and how much anger had filled her green eyes the last time she'd talked to her.

By the end of the holidays, that twisting feeling had really started to hurt, and Clarke didn't know what she would do if she had to continue feeling this way. She finally figured out there was only one thing she could do to relieve the ache:

Make Lexa stop hating her.

It felt good to think about. It felt good to have a plan.

 _But you don't deserve forgiveness_ , a voice whispered in her head and she sighed. That voice was one hundred percent right, and normally Clarke would never set out to do something she knew from the start she was going to fail at. But somehow, this was different. Going back to treating Lexa the way she'd used to was out of the question. Not after what she'd found out about her. Even though she knew Lexa didn't want to be treated any differently now that Clarke knew she was sick, it did put things in perspective, and she just couldn't imagine going back to her old habits. Not now that she'd started caring about her. Also, after realizing bullying Lexa was part of what made her feel so broken inside, it was important for her own sake that she stopped.

She fell asleep on the last night of the holidays with a new goal in life: this would be the semester that Clarke and Lexa stopped being enemies.

* * *

Her plan was put into action the second she arrived at school on the first day back. Down the hall, Clarke witnessed a couple of jocks walk past Lexa, one of them taking the time to push her into the lockers with an incredible force that created a loud 'bang' as Lexa hit the lockers. As usual, Lexa didn't look affected at all. She just turned around to glare at them over her shoulder. 

Clarke had seen it happen so many times before. In fact, she was the reason it started. In 8th grade Lexa had laughed at her when she'd fallen at recess, and as a result of this, Clarke had bribed Octavia with a pack of gum to push Lexa into the lockers every time she passed her, convincing her friend that Lexa was out to get her. People had quickly picked up on this habit, and the tradition was followed still to this day.

But that was all going to change.

Clarke picked up her pace, the jocks walking in her direction completely clueless. When they finally met at the middle, Clarke gathered up all her force and bumped her shoulder as hard as she could into the guy who had pushed Lexa, He was probably twice her weight, but being unprepared he slammed into the lockers with a few stumbling steps. Both he and his friend looked at Clarke like she was crazy. But she only answered by raising her index finger like an angry old lady.

“Stop. Doing. That.” she said in a tone that let them know she was not messing around.

“Whatever”, they answered, hands raised in a peace gesture and scrambled away.

Clarke quickly looked around the hallway, trying to find Lexa, but she had already left.

She continued walking feeling proud of herself in a way she'd never experienced before. Who knew it could feel so much better to use your position of power to do something good and helpful for another person, rather than trying to put everyone in their place to stay on top?

The nature of Clarke's and Lexa's relationship was known to everyone in the entire school; they loathed each other. That's the way it had always been, so Clarke defending Lexa all of a sudden did seem weird to a lot of people. She was questioned about it at lunch, when Raven and Octavia once again approached her at her table in the corner. Finn was on the other side of the room with Nathan and Wick, giving himself some space from her.

“Atom told me you pushed Bryan into a locker?” Octavia said, sounding surprised but not as surprised as she would have a few weeks ago.

Her confusion was understandable. Clarke didn't usually get in trouble with other people who were high up in the hierarchy. Too much of that and she could find herself pushed down in the food chain.

“He was being an ass”, Clarke shrugged her shoulders while sipping from her juice box, acting like it was no big deal.

“Yeah...” Raven answered. “To Lexa...”

“Mhm.”

Raven and Octavia both exchanged a confused glance.

“May I ask again since when you have a problem with that?” Raven continued carefully.

Clarke realized they would want a real explanation, so she sighed and put down her juice box.

“I guess that...” she started, trying to find a way to explain herself. “She's just... She's not that bad, honestly, and there's no reason to be mean to her.”

Both Octavia and Raven looked at her like she'd been replaced by an alien.

“What?” Clarke snarled at them. “Has she ever done anything to you guys?”

“No!” Raven quickly assured. “It's just still pretty hard getting used to this new attitude. You've always had a very strict rule of 'tell me Lexa is the actual Antichrist or I won't talk to you'. It's a nice change though...”

“True”, Octavia nodded. “I once slipped up and said she did really good on a presentation and you started listing every flaw you could find in her.”

The feeling of guilt returned to Clarke's stomach. No matter how great it felt to be turning a new leaf, she could never take back the things she'd done in her past.

“So you guys don't hate her then?” she asked skeptically.

“Hate is a strong word, Clarke”, Octavia pointed out. “I'd probably never be friends with her, but I can agree to let her do her thing if she lets me do mine.”

“Exactly”, Raven agreed. “But it's nice to see your opinion of her has changed. I'm betting you'll be more pleasant to be around without the little tantrums you throw every time she's around,”

“Yeah”, Clarke agreed. “It does feel better.”

Her friends... former friends... whatever they were, contently nodded.

“So does this mean it's finally time to stop shoving her into the lockers every time I see her?” Octavia asked.

“Yes!” Clarke clarified with emphasis.

“Okay, but you owe me a pack of gum.”

Clarke nodded, and then stared at them until they understood it was time to leave. She sighed. She was the one who had done the worst things to Lexa, her friends just coming along for the ride. So why was it so hard to forgive them now that they too had stopped hurting her?

* * *

She didn't know when she'd get the opportunity to talk to her alone now that Lexa claimed she didn't need any more help. Personally, Clarke thought it was bullshit. Lexa had an entire experiment and a 5000 word report to write, and she could use all the help she could get. She just didn't want to see Clarke anymore, and as much as that hurt it was totally understandable. She knew Lexa was a very private person and it wasn't hard to guess she felt uncomfortable with her biggest bully knowing her biggest secret. Clarke needed to assure her that she was willing to protect her.

It took her a few days before she found a good opportunity. Then one afternoon after school she saw Lexa walking towards the lacrosse field all alone and decided to follow her. Roan was on the lacrosse team, currently running out onto the field for warm-ups, and Clarke guessed this was one of those days where Lexa had to catch a ride with him home. Lexa had just sat down and was digging through her bag for a book when Clarke climbed the bleachers and sat down next to her. Lexa stopped moving and glared at her fron the corner of her eye.

“Did you not hear me clearly the last time we spoke?” she asked. “I don't want your pity, I don't need a friend and I'd prefer to stay on my own.”

“Oh no, I heard you”, Clarke answered. “And I wasn't planning on showing you pity. In fact, we don't have to mention the thing ever again.”

Lexa nodded in approval. Of course, Clarke wanted to ask her a million questions about her health, but Lexa had no obligation to answer such questions and Clarke would just have to get used to worrying in silence.

“I've done you an injustice”, Clarke continued. “Well... a lot of them, really, and I know that now. We both know that Jaha went really easy on me, and that's probably because he's friends with my mom. But the truth is, after all that I've done to you I should have gotten punished harder, and you should have gotten more back than an assistant who's embarrassingly incompetent in the subject of your project.”

“You're not wrong”, Lexa agreed, the hint of a smile showing once again, making Clarke's heart beat a little faster. “Although that suspension is going to come back and bite you in the ass.”

Clarke smiled a little and nodded in agreement.

“I understand why you would want nothing to do with me”, Clarke said. “But please don't make our past disagreements come in the way of you succeeding on this project. It's all my fault that it got ruined to begin with, and I regret that now. So I can't have you fail again because of me. Let me help you. I know you still need it, and I'm willing to help you now. Without complaining about it even.”

Lexa was clearly having an inner debate. She didn't come off as the type of person to either ask for or accept help when it was offered. Especially from her worst enemy.

After a few seconds she sighed and slumped down a bit where she was sitting.

“You're right”, she admitted. “The project is taking a long time and it's getting pretty stressful. I guess as far as assistants go you'll have to do. But you'd better be willing to put some work in!”

“Of course!”

They watched each other for a moment. So much had changed between them, and they were both trying to figure out where they stood with the other.

“I'm sorry”, Clarke blurted out, breaking the silence.

“This is the second time I've heard you say those words in the space of a few weeks”, Lexa said. “What's wrong with you?”

“What's wrong with me now?” Clarke asked. “What was wrong with me before, you mean? I was being a kid not apologizing for putting you in this mess, so it's about damned time I do it. I'm sorry, I understand you worked hard on that project, and I really do feel bad about ruining it.”

If there was one thing Clarke wanted more than anything it was for these words to change everything between her and Lexa. For those green eyes to look at her with softness and forgiveness so that they could go on and be friends. Unsurprisingly, that didn't happen. Lexa's eyes were just as void of warmth as they always were when looking at Clarke, and she tried to stop herself from feeling sad about it.

“I have a lot of other things to apologize for too”, she added. “And though I don't expect you to forgive me for any of them I'm going to keep making up for them all, because you don't deserve the treatment you've been getting.”

“Sure, whatever”, Lexa muttered. “If it makes you feel better.”

“How are you not affected by it?” Clarke asked. “You're not supposed to be okay with being treated badly!”

Lexa shrugged.

“It's life”, she said matter-of-factly. “It's about surviving, nothing else. People can go ahead and do whatever they want to me, I don't care. Caring is weakness anyway, so it's better not to do it.”

And Clarke knew she was being sincere. She saw it in her eyes. A sort of dullness, as if her world too was lacking color. Clarke knew exactly what that felt like. How she could never be completely happy in the company of anyone. Not her family, not her friends, not her boyfriend. And how she never felt invested enough in what they were doing. She did most things because she was supposed to. No one had made her care about anything for a long time. No one but one person. And when that person didn't seem to care back, she'd become so out of balance it had made her do horrible things as an automatic response. She'd lost all control.

“You're just as numb inside as I am, aren't you?”

Lexa looked up at her in surprise, but Clarke could read in her eyes that she understood. It was as if Lexa was the first book in her own language that she'd found in a long time, the only one she could read like this.

They sat like that for a long moment, looking into each others eyes and sharing an understanding of each other that surprised them both. An understanding that didn't need any words. When their gazes finally broke apart they stayed side by side in silence for a moment, just watching the boys practice, before Clarke's dad texted her that he was ready to pick her up. She left the bleachers with a lot of thoughts running around her head, the strongest of which was that Lexa didn't deserve to be so unhappy.

* * *

Clarke's list now consisted of two items:

1\. Make Lexa stop hating her.

2\. Find a way to make Lexa smile.

She knew that the girl was unhappy, maybe it was even Clarke's fault that she was. That's probably why she felt obligued to try to give Lexa a reason to smile (and not because she was longing to see that smile again or anything). She realized that you can't make an unhappy person happy over a night, but she figured no longer being taunted at school, and maybe even having a new friend, would help a bit.

Clarke, who wasn't particularly happy either, could feel that this would make at least herself feel better, and she was hoping that it would be a good thing for Lexa too.

The next time she saw her was in the school library, which was about the only place they ever saw each other. Lexa was very much caught up in her work, wrinkling her forehead and chewing at the end of her pencil. She had done right to accept Clarke's help, because things sure were getting stressful and Clarke had put in many hours of work to help her make her report. Clarke was relieved to find that while they were working they could at least stay on a professional basis, and Lexa was able to accept her help.

“See, what I don't get...”, Lexa started. “Is how this supposedly one hundred percent biological farm in Florida, that claims to use only natural methods of fertilization and no dangerous pesticides can get products with qualities that are so similar to the Texas farm that uses a very unhealthy amount of organophosphate pesticides...”

She sighed in frustration.

“I'll need to find products from another biological farm”, she said. “I don't think this one is very reliable. Have you found any other farms that export to our state?”

“Yeah!” Clarke answered and turned the school's laptop around so that Lexa could see the screen. “This one has answered my e-mail, and apparently there's exactly one store in Ton DC that imports vegetables from them.”

“That's a 1.5 hour drive from here”, Lexa contemplated. “It's achievable.”

Then she sighed again and slumped down in her chair.

“I would really have to go this weekend to stay on schedule”, she said. “But my mom's got the car for work both Saturday and Sunday.”

“You can drive?” Clarke asked.

“Well, yeah”, Lexa said. “Why?”

“See, I can't drive, but I can get us a car.”

Lexa actually looked surprised at this.

“Are you saying what I think you're saying? You would go with me all the way to Ton DC for a few vegetable samples? On a weekend? In your car?”

Clarke nodded.

“Your wish is my command, remember?”

Lexa snorted a little, but Clarke knew it was as close to a laugh that she would go.

“What do you say?” she continued. “Are you game? It could be fun!”

“I think fun is a bit of an overstatement”, Lexa muttered. “But I'd be very practical for me, so yes, thank you.”

“Great!” she said, feeling a smile trying to break out.

She was going to get to spend a few hours with Lexa this weekend, and she was excited about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter: Clarke and Lexa accidentally commit a crime together, and might actually end up having... fun?


	7. The Arrival of the Butterflies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE! I'm posting two chapters today because chapter 6 is so much of a filler, and I'm far ahead in the writing process anyway! I'm excited for shit to start going down between these two!

Lexa was dropped off at her house very early that Saturday morning, her mom followed her to the door, and when Clarke realized that it was because she wanted a word with her daughter's bully she felt a big lump appear in her throat.

“I have not forgotten what you did”, she said, her voice and her eyes carrying something very threatening. “If something happens to her today I will hold you accountable and you will be in a world of pain, understood?”

Clarke quickly nodded, her eyes wide.

“I won't let anything happen to her, I swear!”

She meant it with all her heart. The image of Lexa sputtering blood still haunted her every night and she knew she never wanted to see her hurt like that, or in any way, ever again.

When Diane had left she closed her eyes for a few seconds and sighed heavily. How would she ever be able to make things right again? She perked up a little though at the sight of Lexa standing in her house for the first time. Although she didn't look very comfortable, something within Clarke rejoiced at the sight, like Lexa fit in this picture, in her life.

“Sorry about that”, Lexa apologized with embarrassment. “This was the only way she'd let me go.”

“It's fine!” she said. “I haven't finished breakfast yet though, so you should come in.”

Lexa looked even more uncomfortable, but followed her into the kitchen nonetheless.

“Do you want something?” Clarke offered. “I was making a sandwich for myself and there's enough warm water for you to make some tea too.”

“No thank you”, Lexa said sternly.

“Okay”, Clarke nodded.

It would have been nicer to have breakfast with Lexa, but at least having her in her kitchen would have to do.

While Clarke was finishing her sandwich, Abby walked into the room and saw Lexa for the first time. She reached out her hand for her to shake, and introduced herself.

“Hi! I'm Abby. I don't think we've met before.”

“I'm Lexa.”

The shock was very apparent on Abby's face.

“ _That_ Lexa?” she asked, looking from Lexa to Clarke and then back to Lexa.

“Mhm”, Clarke mumbled.

Abby remained stunned for a short moment before she was able to collect herself.

“Oh, I'm so very sorry for the mess that my daughter has put you in”, she said. “I take it Clarke finally came to her senses and apologized to you? ”

Lexa nodded.

“Good”, Abby said, nodding approvingly at Clarke. “I really hope she's putting an effort in to fix it.”

“She seems to be”, Lexa assured. “That's why were going to Ton DC today, to find some samples for my new project.”

Abby looked surprised, but happily so.

“Really?” she said looking at Clarke. “You only told me you were going to town with a friend.”

Clarke felt the hint of a blush on her cheeks when she caught Lexa's gaze across the table, the other girl looking not-so-amused at being called her 'friend', as she would never have used that term to describe them.

“I am!” she defended herself. “But for a school project. Now we should probably get out of here! Bye mom!”

It was best to get out of there before her mom embarrassed her any more. They got into the car, Lexa behind the wheel and were just about to set off when Lexa turned to her and looked at her with an intensity that made her forget to breathe for a moment.

“I just want to make it clear Clarke”, she said in a calm and cold tone. “That I'm not your friend. You and I will never be friends.”

Clarke's breakfast suddenly felt like a big lump stuck in her throat, and she had to look away.

“I know”, she mumbled, and the excitement she'd felt about this day vanished and was replaced by disappointment as they rolled out of the drive way.

The first half hour of the trip was spent mostly in silence, the only sound being the radio. Clarke spent her time lost in thought and looking out through the window. Every now and then she would glance over at Lexa who was completely focused on the road. Not wanting to get caught staring she tried to memorize the details of her face from just looking at it for short moments. She knew so incredibly little about her, and felt an irresistible curiosity to find out more.

Irresistible.

Fuck it, she just had to start a conversation, she couldn't help herself.

“Why did you choose vegetables as your project?”

It was lame, she'd admit that, but she figured it was one of the only things that Lexa might be willing to talk about.

Lexa quickly glanced over at her, clearly surprised and, to Clarke's dismay, annoyed.

“Are you trying to make small talk?” she asked.

Clarke faked a look of offense and put a hand on her chest.

“Moi?” she asked. “Never! I just figured we'd be stuck together for multiple hours now, and that I'd at least try to make it more enjoyable by getting to know you a bit better.”

“We've gone to the same school for 8 years Clarke”, Lexa pointed out. “You've never bothered with getting to know me before.”

Clarke once again felt ashamed of herself, but she decided not to let it bring down the changed person that she thought herself to be.

“Cause I was being an idiot”, she therefore declared. “I'm sorry for that.”

“Seriously, stop apologizing for everything tha...”

“I'm sorry for booing when you competed in that spelling bee in 5th grade”, Clarke interrupted.

Lexa sighed and glued her eyes to the read.

“I'm sorry for pushing you into a puddle of mud. And I'm sorry for copying your answers on all the math tests in elementary school...”

“You did what?!” Lexa asked and turned to her.

Oops. Clarke looked down at her hands. She needed so badly to find a way to apologize and make up for all these things, but couldn't think of a way she would ever be able to. All she had was words, and they were failing her at the moment.

“This is really dumb, Clarke”, Lexa sighed. “This is taking you nowhere.”

“You're right”, Clarke answered. “Do you want to go back to talking about your project?”

Lexa was silent for a long moment, her annoyance reaching another level.

“Fine”, she finally sighed and Clarke celebrated silently.

The rest of the highway to Ton DC wasn't that bad. After a while Lexa seemed to get used to answering Clarke's questions, who in turn tried not to overstep and ask questions that were too personal. She did find out a few things about the other girl though.

She now knew Daisy was the first and only dog Lexa had ever had, and that they'd found her in a shelter when she was still a puppy.

She knew that she'd passed her driver's test three days after her 16th birthday.

She knew that biology was actually her favorite subject, and when Clarke in surprise had told her that she'd though it was philosophy, Lexa had looked almost offended, blurting out: “Are you kidding me? Philosophy is lame as fuck!” This had caught Clarke off guard and she hadn't been able to stop a laugh from escaping while happily exclaiming: “Then we finally found something we agree on!”

However, chaos once again erupted in the car when they'd entered the city and Clarke's ability to read a map was questioned. The city was a lot bigger than they were used to, and having no idea where to find the shop they were looking for, it was hard for Lexa to drive around on the heavily trafficked streets.

“You told me to take a right!” she said.

“Well, it's not my fault we got it wrong”, Clarke tried to explain herself. “The GPS only picks up the location we had like five minutes ago, how am I supposed to know where we are?”

“You should let me look at it”, Lexa told her.

“You're driving!”

In the end, Lexa ended up stopping at a parking lot beside the road, and asked to look at the map herself. After analyzing it for a minute she finally hummed.

“Okay, I know where we are now”, she said and pointed. “Right here, see the little square? That's the parking, so we're actually just a couple blocks away.”

“Awesome!” Clarke said. “Can we park any closer?”

“No way!” Lexa shook her head. “I'm not going out into traffic again, we're walking!”

Five minutes later they found themselves outside a small, eco-friendly shop, the sign “Closed” staring them in the face. Next to the door there was a note with the opening hours of the shop, where they learned that it was only open Monday through Friday.

“We probably should have looked that up...” Clarke mumbled.

“We probably should have”, Lexa agreed. “I'm not going to be able to come back here until Friday, and by then I'm already supposed to have shown Professor Wallace a practical experiment in class. I won't be able to go forward in my report this entire week.”

Clarke approached the door and knocked, and they stood still for a long moment, hoping that someone would open. No one did. After a minute of silence, Lexa finally opened her mouth.

“We should probably get back to the car.”

She started to walk away, but Clarke grabbed her arm.

“Oh, hell no!” she said. “We've come all this way! We are getting those samples!”

“And how are you planning on doing that?” Lexa asked.

“I don't know”, Clarke said, thinking hard. “Let's go around the back and see if we can find anything.”

Lexa looked at her like she was crazy before she shrugged and they walked together through the narrow path between two houses to get to the back of the store. There space behind the store was a concrete square twice the size of Clarke's driveway, surrounded by brick walls and high fences. It was filled with junk, dustbins, pallets and wooden boxes. There was a door leading into the store from the back as well, but it was clearly only used by staff. A small balcony decorated the wall above the door.

They tried knocking on this door too, even throwing little rocks at the windows on the second floor to see if anybody was home, but there was still no answer.

“Maybe they have some food that turned spoiled that we could take?” Clarke suggested.

“Yeah...” Lexa said. “Except that might not give me the correct numbers.”

“Oh. Of course.”

Clarke felt her face turn pink. It was really starting to hit her how much smarter than her Lexa was and she knew she was going to keep making a fool out of herself in front of her.

“But we could look around the boxes”, Lexa said, unaware of Clarke's embarrassment. “If we do find what we're looking for I'll just leave a few dollars to pay for them. It's harmless, right?”

Clarke nodded.

They began circulating area, lifting the top off the boxes and looking inside to see if there was anything to find. They came out empty handed. Sighing, Lexa slumped down on one of the boxes.

“This is useless”, she said. “We're not gonna get any samples here.”

Clarke looked at her and wrinkled her forehead in frustration. She knew how much Lexa needed to go forward with her project, preferably yesterday. If she hadn't messed up her last project, Lexa might even be finished by now.

Lexa was now scanning the facade of the shop once more, and she suddenly turned to Clarke with a mischievous grin on her face. There was a twinkle in her eye that Clarke didn't see often and that made her heart all jumpy and her insides all electric.

“What's that face you're doing?” she asked a little out of breath all of a sudden.

Lexa just continued to smile while pointing up at the second floor window next to the balcony. It took Clarke a second to see it, but when she did she chuckled. She hadn't seen it before, but the window was actually open by just a slit. If they could get it open a little more though...

“We did come a long way, didn't we?” she said.

“Mhm”, Lexa answered.

“And we'll pay for what we take.”

Lexa nodded.

“Okay, it's genius”, Clarke said. “Let's do it fast.”

They hurried over to the wall beneath the window and looked up. It wasn't open by more than half an inch, but it was the only shot they had.

“I can go up there”, Clarke offered. “I like climbing, plus it's better if I get caught since it's my mess to begin with. I promised your mom I wouldn't let anything happen to you.”

“Okay”, Lexa said. “And how will you be doing that?”

“Can you help lift me up?” Clarke turned to her and asked. “I can climb onto the balcony and try to open it from there.”

“Okay”, Lexa said again.

Then she put her hands together to form a step for Clarke, who grabbed the wall for support before putting her foot in Lexa's hands and climbing up.

“I'm not too heavy, am I?” she asked while balancing in Lexa's hand and grabbing onto the floor of the balcony, which was as far as she could reach.

“No, I'm okay”, Lexa answered, but she saw that there was a long way to go. “Try to climb up to stand on my shoulders!” she told her.

“Are you sure?” Clarke asked looking down at her.

“Yeah”, Lexa answered while nodding. “Now go on, those vegetables aren't waiting around all day!”

Clarke started laughing and almost fell down.

“Where would they be going, do you mean?” she choked out, causing Lexa to start laughing too.

It was definitely a nervous reaction to doing something they weren't supposed to, but their laughter intensified when Clarke climbed onto Lexa's shoulders, and then proceeded to try and climb onto the balcony in a not-very-smooth way. She was grabbing onto the railing for dear life while one foot was stuck between the planks of the balcony and the other was kicking around in the air like a fish on land. Lexa had to jump to give her foot an extra push that finally gave her the strength to pull herself up so that she was standing on the outside of the railing with the window next to her. She started scrutinizing it.

“There's a hook keeping it closed”, she explained to Lexa who couldn't see everything from the ground. “I'd need something to unhook it with. Something long and thin that would fit in the slit.”

Having to grab on to the balcony not to fall down, she didn't dare look around too much, but she could hear Lexa start going through the junk down by the dustbins. A moment later she showed up on the ground below her reaching a big hook up for her to grab. Clarke carefully crouched down and reached down to grab it. When she stood up she inspected it for a moment.

“Whoah!” she exclaimed. “Don't you see this is Captain Hook's fucking hand?!”

Lexa raised an eyebrow at her.

“Seriously!” Clarke continued. “This is too cool!”

“Aren't we supposed to get that window open?”

“Right...”

It was a piece of cake unhooking the small metal stick with one hand and then pulling the window open. Clarke gathered up her courage.

“Okay, I'm going in!” she yelled to Lexa on the ground.

“Be quick!” Lexa yelled back at her.

Clarke wasn't very smooth this time either, as she slipped trough the window. She found herself in a room resembling an office, but having no time to waste she sneaked out the door to find a small hallway and a narrow stairway leading to the bottom floor. She silently walked down the steps and entered the actual shop. The vegetable section was big with a lot of options, but Clarke knew by heart what Lexa needed.

A few carrots, tomatoes, a cauliflower, a bouquet of rutabagas and a couple of onions. She made sure to check on the little notes by each product to see where it came from. She was just slipping her 20 dollars on the counter (she figured they should pay some for the break-in too) when she heard something from the room next door, the room leading to the back yard. Someone had opened the door.

At once she was filled with panic. Clutching on to the vegetables she ran back up the stairs, into the office and threw the samples out the window before climbing out herself. Behind her she heard a man call from the bottom floor.

“Who's there?”

Someone started to climb the stairs, but Clarke was already hanging from the balcony, feeling like she was about to fall to the ground when someone came out from behind the dumpsters and grabbed her legs to help her slip down to the concrete without hurting herself. Thankfully it was no one other than Lexa. 

“Shit!” Lexa hissed. “I heard him come and I hid but I didn't know how to warn you!”

They gathered up the vegetables together just as an old man's face appeared in the very window that Clarke had climbed out of just a second ago.

“We payed!” she called up to him, but did not wait to see what he would answer as they started running as fast as they could, arms filled with vegetables.

Lexa was not keeping up at all and by the time they'd made it around the corner of the block and were crossing a park she was already panting heavily causing Clarke to stop.

“Are you okay?” she asked worriedly and approached her.

Lexa quickly nodded.

“I'll be fine”, she answered between breaths. “I'll never win a marathon, but at least I just outran an old man, so I guess that's an accomplishment!”

Clarke didn't feel convinced. She looked into Lexa's eyes with concern and Lexa looked back. They stood like that for a moment until the rutabaga's fell out of Clarke's hands with a thump and they both started laughing so hard they had to slump down in the grass. The laughter had almost subsided when Lexa decided to speak again.

“Hey, guess what I found when I was hiding behind the dumpsters? A ladder.”

And they started laughing again, Clarke lying down and clutching her stomach that was starting to hurt from laughing too much. She couldn't remember the last time she'd laughed like this, the last time she'd felt the same thrill of adventure and excitement that she had felt today and for the first time in a long time she felt alive.

 

The drive back was a lot more comfortable than the trip they'd done this morning. None of them said a word, but the atmosphere felt warmer. The radio was on and Clarke was leaning her head in her hand, looking out the window while Lexa was looking ahead on the road and sometimes humming a little with the music. They'd made it about halfway when Clarke spotted a sign next to the road and squealed.

“Get off the highway here!” she yelled, causing Lexa to jump a little.

“What?” she answered, looking around to try to figure out what Clarke was yelling about.

“America's best ice cream restaurant, that's what!” she explained.

“Isn't it lunch time?” Lexa asked.

“So?” Clarke asked. “We're almost adults, that means we can have ice cream for lunch if we want. Come on! I heard your stomach rumble just a minute ago, you're hungry!”

“Fine”, Lexa gave in, just in time to exit the highway and find a spot in the parking next to the ice cream restaurant.

Only a handful of other people were there and there was no line when they ordered. Clarke found out some more things about Lexa this way. Apparently she liked chocolate, a lot. And she didn't want the cherry on top. When they'd both gotten their orders and taken a seat Lexa was sitting in front of a huge chocolate sundae, and Clarke, who didn't like chocolate ice cream, had a bowl of mixed fruit flavored ice creams. Before Lexa started eating she slipped out the same plastic bag of pills that Octavia had stolen more than a month prior, and she popped one in her mouth before swallowing it with her coke. Clarke didn't mean to stare, but she couldn't help it.

“What did you say that did again?” she asked before she could stop herself.

“These are enzymes that help me break down the food to absorb as much nutrition as possible”, Lexa explained. “My body doesn't do a lot of that, so basically I can eat like a horse and still be underfed.”

“I thought your lungs were the problem?”

“They're the main problem, but CF messes with other things too.”

Clarke frowned and nodded, but then decided Lexa shouldn't have to talk about it anymore.

“Well, at least you don't have to feel bad about finishing that whole ice cream...” she tried.

“That's right!” Lexa answered with a smile before putting a big spoon of chocolate ice cream in her mouth as a demonstration.

 

The realization hit Clarke when Lexa was finishing the last of her ice cream. Clarke had given up long ago and had had to accept the fact that she wouldn't be able to finish the pear and the watermelon flavor, and she was now leaning back in her seat so full she felt like she would explode any second now. Lexa, on the other hand, had been right: she did eat like a horse and Clarke found it pretty endearing. 

The girl was trying to keep her long hair out of the way, but she somehow ended up getting ice cream in it and tried to wipe it off with a napkin. When she finally spooned the last bit of ice cream into her mouth she sighed contently and leaned back in her seat, looking out the window.

Maybe it was the light from the window, which was so bright and beautiful it made Lexa look like she was glowing, or the way her hair flowed around her shoulders. Maybe it was the song that was playing in the background, but whatever it was, Clarke couldn't take her eyes off of her. And when she examined the details of Lexa's deep green eyes both her chest and her stomach were filled with that fluttery feeling she'd been experiencing every now and then for the past few weeks. Her insides felt like they'd been taken over by an entire swarm of butterfl...

Oh shit.

So that's what people were talking about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter: Clarke finds out the hard way what unrequited love feels like.


	8. Jealousy

Clarke didn't even try to deny it, she was in love with Lexa Woods. 

She knew she acted weird for the rest of the car ride and Lexa probably noticed because she kept throwing weird glances at her. Clarke, on the other hand, tried not to look at Lexa at all. She was sure that the girl would understand if their eyes met. How could she not? Wasn't it the most obvious thing in the world that Clarke's heart caught fire every time she saw her?

They got back just when Jake was about to leave the house, and he offered to give Lexa a ride back to her house on the way. Clarke stayed on the steps by the front door and watched them leave, feeling like world lost a bit of its color when Lexa was finally out of sight.

The house was empty and she was able to flop down on her bed and stare into the ceiling undisturbed, while doing some thinking she desperately needed.

She was in love with Lexa.

How did this happened? How could she be in love with Lexa? She'd never even thought about falling in love with a girl before, so how could she go from never having had feelings for anyone to madly in love in the span of a couple of months? She was supposed to marry someone like Finn for God's sake. What would people say if she'd be dating a girl? That would change everything. The life she had planned out for herself wouldn't be anything like she'd thought, she would crush her mom's dream of her daughter living the perfect fairy tale life.

But then again, the other question she asked herself was: How could she not be in love with Lexa? The girl was such an incredibly strong person. And she was so smart in every way. It was strange to think how much that had annoyed Clarke before when she found it so strangely attractive now. Because Lexa was attractive, there was no doubt about that. She was beautiful when she played with her hair while solving a difficult problem in school, she was cute when she wore her glasses, and her smile that was so rarely seen... It was absolutely mesmerizing. How come everyone wasn't in love with Lexa?

When that thought had entered her mind she frowned. Maybe a lot of people already were. Maybe, now that Lexa wasn't the target of everyone's taunts, more people would get to know her better, and as a result fall in love with her. After all that was the only logical reaction when you spent some time with her. Lexa would be able to pick and choose from a whole bunch of people.

And that finally led Clarke to think the inevitable.

_Why would Lexa ever pick her?_

She had absolutely nothing that Lexa could ever want in a partner. She deserved someone as unique and colorful as her. She deserved someone who was a good person and who would never hurt her. Lexa still hated her guts, and after everything Clarke had done to her there was no way Lexa could ever love her.

A tear escaped her eye and since she was still lying on her back she felt it run down her temple.

 _I'll never hurt you again_ , she thought, with the silly hope that Lexa would hear her words somehow, that she would understand how much Clarke meant them. But she knew it was in vain, Lexa would never believe her.

A sob escaped and more tears stained her temples and the mattress under her head. She'd thought that pain was being humiliated at school or her mom being disappointed in her, but she'd been dead wrong. Pain was knowing that some day there would be someone who would get to hold Lexa, kiss her and sleep next to her, while there was a chance Clarke would never even see her again after they graduated.

By the time she heard the front door open downstairs she'd been sobbing quietly, curled into a ball, for such a long time she'd even lost track of time. She recognized her father's footsteps as he climbed the stairs and made his way immediately to her door. He knocked.

“Clarke, honey”, he said through the door. “When mom comes home we're going out for groceries? Do you want to come with us? I'll let you choose whichever cereal you'd like.”

Clarke drew a breath that trembled when a new sob escaped. She loved spending time with her dad, but she was in no state to leave the house and, frankly, wasn't sure she even had enough energy to get out of bed. She felt drained.

“I think I'd like to be alone”, she managed to get out, but her voice clearly showed the pain she was in.

“Sweetie”, her dad said with worry in his voice. “What's wrong? Can I come in?”

Another sob ran through her body.

“Okay...” she mumbled, but Jake must have heard her because she heard the door open and steps approach.

She was lying with her back towards the door, but she felt him sit down behind her and put his hand on her shoulder, stroking it lightly.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” he asked.

Clarke shook her head. She didn't think she could explain it to him, not when she wasn't even sure she'd understood herself what was going on with her.

“Was someone mean to you? Did someone hurt you?”

She shook her head again. The only person that had hurt Clarke was Clarke herself.

“Okay...” Jake said, understanding she couldn't talk about it. “How about I get you your favorite dessert at the store and then we can all watch the football game on tv together tonight?”

She answered by sitting up and throwing her arms around his neck.

“Thank you”, she whispered.

He hugged her back with his strong arms and her pain felt a bit more bearable when she was safe in his arms.

“When you do want to talk about it you can come straight to me”, he said. “Don't forget that.”

She wouldn't, but she wasn't sure when she'd be ready to open up.

That night she thought of her secret list again, and decided to add a third item. The list consisted of her strongest wishes. She didn't think they would all come true, but daydreaming about it gave her some comfort.

1\. Make Lexa stop hating her.

2\. Find a way to make Lexa smile.

3\. Get Lexa to fall in love with her.

* * *

By the time Monday rolled around she'd gotten some more thinking done and reached a conclusion: it would be easy to let these feelings go. She hadn't seen Lexa since their road trip, and having had space during the entire Sunday gave her confidence. She couldn't deny the fact that she cared about her a lot, but she could live without being close to her, it couldn't be that hard! She did not need to know what it would feel like to kiss Lexa, or what kind of hugs she'd give. She could let someone else be the reason Lexa smiled, and Clarke herself could go on and find a boy to fall in love with. It's what everyone else was doing so it obviously wasn't hard at all! The school was full of boys, she could take anyone, really. That way she didn't have to disappoint her mom and her life would be a lot simpler.

She stayed confident for an impressive half minute after arriving at school, before she saw Lexa again and all bets were off. At first she didn't even realize it was Lexa she was seeing. She hadn't even entered the school building when an impressive motorbike pull up in the parking lot with two people sitting on it. She stopped to stare a little since she'd never seen that bike before, and it wasn't until the person that had been sitting on the back of the bike stepped off and took off her helmet that Clarke recognized her.

“Shit”, she whispered to herself. She didn't feel ready at all to face Lexa so in panic she dove behind a bush to hide.

From there she saw the other person take off their helmet too. It was a girl who looked a few years older. Clarke had to admit she was pretty gorgeous. All sharp cheek bones and dark eye make-up and hair braided in tribal style. Add the motorbike and she could absolutely see why Lexa would want to hang out with someone like her.

She couldn't hear what they were talking about, and she had almost calmed down again when she witnessed something that killed every last one of her hopes.

The girl opened up her arms and Lexa stepped into her embrace like it was the most natural thing in the world. They clung to each other tightly, and then the girl leaned in close and whispered something in her ear. Lexa laughed. Her smile was completely genuine, the kind of smile that Clarke had only seen twice. Once when Lexa was playing with Daisy, and the other time was this Saturday, when they were laughing together after having escaped the shop owner.

But this time it was the hot and very bad-ass biker girl that was making Lexa smile, and when Clarke thought that things couldn't get worse, the girl pressed her lips to Lexa's cheek.

 _It doesn't have to mean anything_ , Clarke told herself.

But she could see in Lexa's eyes how much she loved and admired the other girl, and it made sense. Of course Lexa would be dating someone like that. Clarke was too upset to even have time to be happy about the fact that at least Lexa seemed to be into girls.

She watched the two girls give each other another quick hug before the older of the two got back up on her bike and drove off, leaving Lexa behind, following the bike with her sad gaze until it turned around the corner and was gone.

She let Lexa enter the building before she came out from behind the bush.

 _This is a good thing_ , she repeated over and over to herself. _This is exactly what you need to get over her._

But it didn't feel like a good thing.

 

She didn't want to eat her lunch in the cafeteria where she would see her old friends and be reminded of how lonely she was. She didn't want to go to the library, because she didn't think she could handle seeing Lexa right now. So she brought her sandwiches outside and sat down at an empty bench. There were not a lot of other people outside. It took her a second to realize that the person that was sitting alone, like her, on a bench 50 feet to her right was none other than Raven. They both recognized each other in the exact same moment, and they examined each other for a second before Raven tightened the clasps on her leg brace to get up and make her way over to Clarke's bench instead.

“Why are you eating alone?” Clarke asked.

Raven shrugged.

“Things don't really feel the same lately, and I felt like a moment to myself. Being alone doesn't always have to be bad, you know, it can be a pretty healthy thing to do from time to time.”

“You're not wrong”, Clarke admitted. “But I think I've been doing a bit too much of that lately...”

Raven looked at her sadly.

“I know”, she said. “I never thought I'd go this long without talking to you. I still don't even know why you won't talk to me.”

Clarke looked at her, saw how her eyes teared up and the last bit of her anger towards Raven faded away. She knew she meant well, she'd never been one to even participate in all the morally questionable activities the rest of the gang had been up to.

“Come here!” she said and held out her arms towards her, inviting her to a hug of reconciliation.

Raven quickly accepted and they held each other for a moment. It felt so good to be back on good terms with at least one of her friends.

“I'm so sorry”, she mumbled into the crook of Raven's neck.

“For what?” Raven asked and broke free from the embrace to look at her.

“For being a shitty friend, obviously”, Clarke said.

“You honestly haven't been that shitty....”

“Yes I have”, Clarke insisted. “I was always, always in a bad mood. And I took it out on you even though you always supported me and helped me out. You're amazing and I really don't know what I did to deserve you.”

Raven looked happily surprised, trying to contain her smile but ending up beaming at Clarke. In the social circle that they both spent most their time in, the majority of people only focused on themselves and their image. It was rare to be given a real, heartfelt compliment so it definitely wasn't something that Raven was used to.

Clarke felt a rush of affection for her friend, and it hit her what a big internal change she'd gone through. She used to feel joy so very rarely before, but ever since she started being more honest to herself about the way she felt about Lexa it was as if something had awakened inside her, and happiness came to her in the most surprising of times these days.

She hadn't thought she was ready to talk to anyone about what she had discovered about herself, but sitting here with Raven she realized that this was the one person apart from her dad that she felt 100 percent safe opening up to, and she suddenly couldn't hold the secret in any longer. She'd only had words for what she felt for two days, but she knew the feelings had been in there for years and years before and it was becoming unbearable to keep it to herself.

“So, about my mood swings...” she started, Raven looking up at her expectantly. “I finally realized why I've been such a monster to everyone for such a long time. Why I've always been so frustrated about everything Lexa ever did that I lashed out on everything around me.”

Raven nodded but didn't say a word, patiently waiting for her to continue instead.

“I love her”, Clarke mumbled to be sure that no one else heard her.

She looked at Raven feeling more nervous than she'd ever been. If Raven was shocked she didn't show it at all. She just nodded slowly.

“Okay”, she said. “I guess that kind of makes sense. I always wondered what it was about her that could bring out so much frustration in you.”

Clarke couldn't decide if her answer was expected or surprising. It was strange that Raven wasn't more surprised, since Clarke herself had a hard time grasping that this was actually her truth. She seemed supportive though, which was the most important thing, really.

“Are you okay with this?” she still had to ask.

This caused Raven to smile.

“Well of course, silly”, she said and slapped her playfully on the arm. “You don't ask to fall in love with someone, it just happens, so who am I to not be okay with it? Frankly I think you could have fallen for someone much worse.”

Clarke felt eternally grateful to her, and for a moment all problems were forgotten, but then she remember the bigger problem and she sighed.

“I have a couple of big problems thought”, she said.

“And what are those?”

“Well, first of all: I've been an asshole to her for 8 fucking years, and she has every right to hate me for the rest of her life. And secondly...”

She paused, her entire posture resembled that of someone who had given up on everything.

“...I saw her come to school with someone this morning....” she muttered. “It seemed to be her girlfriend.”

“Shit...” Raven said. “Okay, I have to admit you're not in a fantastic situation here.”

“No kidding”, Clarke sighed. “I know there's nothing I can do about it, we'll never be together. I can't get her to break up with a super hot girl on a motorbike to get together with me instead, after everything I've done to her. I'm just gonna have to figure out a way to fall out of love.”

Raven smiled in sympathy.

“That sounds like a shitty plan”, she pointed out.

“It's the only option I have, so...”

Raven sighed too.

“I know”, she said. “I'm sorry. I can help you get distracted until we're out of this place and you can go on to heal your wounds. There's only one semester left, how does that sound?”

“Good”, Clarke said and tried to smile despite her sadness.

“So where do you want to start?” Raven asked. “If you go home alone you're just going to be thinking of her which is what we're trying not to do now, so you need to occupy yourself with something else. I've missed you like crazy and we have weeks of hanging out to catch up on, so I'm happy to provide said distraction. What do you want to do?”

Clarke thought for a moment.

“I still have a lot of bad karma to make up for”, she pointed out. “I haven't been very nice to anyone really, so I think I'd like to start there, to help someone with something maybe.”

“Then we just need to figure out who we're helping”, Raven said.

“Right. Who have I hurt the most at the moment?” Clarke asked.

Raven wrinkled her forehead.

“Well, Finn has been pretty down since you guys broke up...”

Clarke nodded, of course. She hadn't loved him, not like she loved Lexa, but it didn't hurt him any less to have her break up with him.

“Maybe we should find him someone else?” Clarke suggested.

“I don't know...” Raven sighed. “He's pretty hung up on you. You know how important it is for him to feel safe and 'at home' with the person he's dating. I think that's why the two of you managed to stay together for so long, you know, despite your lack of romantic attraction towards him. You guys were friends first, and it's going to be hard to find that for him somewhere else.”

Clarke watched her speak, saw the compassion in her eyes when talking about her friend. She thought about how much Finn always loved having discussions with Raven, how alike they were, and an unexpected image popped into her head. She wondered how she hadn't seen it before.

“You're perfect!” she said to Raven with excitement.

Raven gave her a very confused look.

“Thank you... I guess... I'm not sure that's the word I'd use to...”

“For Finn!” Clarke clarified. “You're perfect for Finn. Oh my God, you guys would fit so well together.”

She was met with two very skeptical eyes before Raven actually started laughing so much she bent over on the bench and clutched her stomach. When she finally sat back she had to wipe tears from her eyes after having laughed so much.

“Are you serious?” she asked, almost starting to laugh again. “That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!”

“What's so ridiculous about it?” Clarke asked.

“Well...” Raven said, looking for words. “Well I've known him since before we even started going to daycare. I have one of his baby teeth in my room, we pooped together in the forest behind his house, we used to fight over who should get to be the skateboard at Monopoly...”

“You still do that”, Clarke pointed out.

“Yeah, yeah”, Raven waved her away. “I just mean that it would be really, really strange, to kiss him and things like that...”

When she stopped talking she looked a little flustered and Clarke couldn't help but to think she might be onto something here.

* * *

Abby was supposed to pick her up from school that Thursday afternoon, and Clarke found herself gravitating towards the lacrosse field to wait for her. She'd been sitting there for a few minutes when Lexa came around the corner to climb the bleachers, slowed down when she spotted her but finally sat down a few seats away from her.

“Hi”, she said.

“Hi”, Clarke answered

She observed her for a second. It had still only been a few days since she realized she was in love with her, and she still hadn't gotten used to how nervous she felt every time she saw the other girl. It was really confusing how she could feel two things at the same time that were so very different. On the one hand she was in love, which made her feel warm and giddy inside. On the other hand she was heartbroken which made her want to lie down on the ground and wait for the decomposition to begin.

“Are you waiting for Roan to give you a ride?” she asked and Lexa nodded.

She paused and felt a question form in her mind. One that she wanted badly to ask, but at the same time wanted to forget about. She couldn't help herself, she asked.

“I saw you come to school with your girlfriend the other day...” she started, trying with all her might not to sound bitter. “Why don't you ride with her more often?”

“My girlfriend?” Lexa managed to ask before she broke out in a fit of laughter.

Clarke was very confused at her reaction and observed as her entire body shook with laughter.

“My girlfriend!” she cried out again when she'd almost stopped laughing, which caused her to start right over again while Clarke waited impatiently for an explanation for another two minutes.

When Lexa finally stopped she looked at Clarke and shook her head in amusement.

“Anya is my _cousin_ Clarke”, she said, and chuckled some more. “No one has ever mistaken her for my girlfriend before! Wow. That's certainly a first.”

Clarke's heart, that had been frozen in jealousy for the past three days suddenly warmed up again and she felt like she could breathe properly for the first time since she'd seen the exchange between Lexa and the girl she had thought was her girlfriend.

“I don't ride with her because she goes to university all the way over in Polis”, Lexa continued to explain. “It's pretty far, as you know, so I don't get to see her very often.”

There was a hint of sadness in her words, and Clarke understood that she had not been mistaken when she'd observed how much Lexa admired the other girl.

Then Lexa's attention returned to Clarke.

“What are you doing here by the way?” she asked.

“I'm waiting for my mom”, Clarke answered.

“I thought this was my place”, Lexa answered, a little annoyed all of a sudden, and Clarke was reminded once again of how little Lexa wanted her around.

She cursed herself when she felt tears well up in her eyes, but there was no way she could stop them. She wasn't usually this emotional, but her unrequited love for Lexa brought it out of her.

“Fine, I'll get the hell out and leave you alone!” she snapped, her trembling voice keeping her from sounding as strong at she would have liked.

While she rose from her seat, Lexa raised her hands in surprise at the tears that had started running down Clarke's cheeks.

“Whoah, I didn't mean it like that”, she said. “Why are you so upset?”

And Clarke was filled with both sadness and fury. She was furious at the fact that Lexa could be so indifferent towards her and so unknowing of the fact that she was pretty much the center of Clarke's universe. She didn't even think before she opened her mouth, she was just desperate for Lexa to understand what she felt.

“Because I can't stop thinking about you, that's why!” she cried. 

Lexa's eyes widened slightly at her words, but she was still so oblivious, so blind. And now that Clarke had started she didn't know how to stop.

“Because no matter how much you hate me for the things I've done in my past, you'll never hate me as much as I hate myself right now! I'm realizing that you are a pretty damned awesome person, and that I would have been lucky to be your friend. I fucked everything up big time, and I don't know what to do with myself now, because being near you hurts just as much as not being near you and... You hate me, and I can't stop thinking about you!”

Lexa seemed to be stunned silent, and so was Clarke, but now that her rant was finished she was starting to feel mortified. She wondered how much Lexa had understood, if she knew what a giant crush Clarke had on her.

She decided it was probably best to flee the scene before she embarrassed herself anymore. She was already a crying, blushing mess, throwing a fit in front of the girl she was in love with. So she quickly picked up her bag and ran back down the bleachers before Lexa could say anything, wiping her tears away as she walked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter: Clarke does a lot of talking and Lexa is very oblivious.


	9. Confessions

She dragged her feet as she strolled around the isles of Target, not very enthusiastic about having to go shopping for her parents. She glanced down each isle that she passed, trying to find the right sections. Spaghetti... Baking products... Cereal... Lexa's mom...

Holy shit, Lexa's mom!

Despite her first instinct being to flee, her entire body froze and she stopped dead in her tracks, eyes glued to the woman. It didn't take her many seconds to look up and notice Clarke standing there, shame written all over her face. She hadn't had to face the woman since that time she dropped Lexa of at her house for their road trip, but from what she learned by that encounter she knew Diane would not be very happy to see her. Not that Clarke blamed her at all.

She realized she'd been staring for a long time when Diane finally cleared her throat.

“Clarke”, she said sternly.

“Hi...” Clarke answered tentatively.

“Did you need something?” Diane asked, nodding towards the shelves.

Clarke shook her head, and was then filled with the need to apologize, to explain right here how much she regretted her actions.

“Actually, yes”, she said. “I need to talk to you. To tell you something.”

She made sure to keep her voice steady. She could feel that this was not a good moment to let her facade falter, have a tear slip down her cheek and mumble out her deepest sincerest apologies. She needed to stay strong, and really show Diane that she was serious. That she wasn't just some hormonal teenager that would change her mind in a minute.

Diane did not look impressed.

“Okay”, she said with her arms crossed in annoyance.

Clarke swallowed and nodded.

“Well”, she started. “First of all, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. Being mean to Lexa, especially taking those pills was the single stupidest thing I've ever done. Now I know that it wasn't because of that that Lexa ended up in the hospital, but for a while there I thought it was, and I hope you can believe me when I say I have never felt worse about anything. I know you can't forgive me, but you should know that I can never forgive myself either.”

Diane was still watching her silently, leaning slightly on her shopping cart.

“See, I was lost before, and that's no excuse, I know that, but I just wanted to tell you that getting to know your daughter is what made me find my way back. She's made an incredible impression on me and she doesn't even know it. She doesn't realize how great she is.”

She couldn't contain the smile that appeared when she thought about Lexa and her entire body was filled with a giddiness, caused by the fluttering butterflies in her chest.

“I really, _really_ care about your daughter now”, she continued. “More than you could possibly know, and I will never let anyone hurt her ever again”, she said determinedly. “Lexa is amazing, and she kind of changed my life.... wow, that sounds really cheesy... but it's the truth. That's what I wanted to tell you.”

She could see that Diane had relaxed a little bit since she started talking, and she took that as a good sign.

“When you say that you won't let anybody hurt her”, Diane said. “You mean...”

“I mean that I've tackled 6 football players since the beginning of the semester because they were after her in one way or another.”

Diane looked surprised and thought silently for a moment.

“I can't ever forget what you did to her”, she said after a while. “But I will admit it's comforting, knowing that she has someone looking out for her in school. I know she's had a hard time, even though she doesn't tell me anything about it. She doesn't understand that not knowing what's going on with her makes me worry even more...”

“I'll keep looking out for her”, Clarke said. “I promise. And how about if something happens I make sure she tells you about it?”

A shadow of a smile flashed over Diane's features, and for the first time Clarke saw the resemblance between mom and daughter.

“That would be nice”, Diane said.

* * *

“Clarke, I've had enough of this!” her mother called through the door. “You need to get out of that bed!”

Her mother was not wrong. She'd known she was in love with Lexa for a while now and she'd fallen into a very depressing routine. Get up. Go to school. Speak only to Raven, Maya and Harper. Help Lexa with her project while trying to control her racing heart and not talk about the almost-confession she'd made that afternoon on the bleachers. Go home. Stay in bed for the rest of the day. Repeat.

At least she spent her time painting and drawing a lot while locked away in her room, which felt pretty great being able to do again, but she could see why her parents would be concerned. It just felt so pointless to get out and do anything at all.

“No!” Clarke answered.

“Do I need to find you a therapist?” her mom said. “Because you won't talk to me or your father, and things can't continue like this. You're not doing well and we want to help you!”

Clarke groaned.

“I just don't want to!” she complained.

“And that's the problem”, her mom continued through the door. “Can you at least unlock this door so I can talk to your face?”

After a sigh she finally gave in, walked over to the door and unlocked it to find her mother standing there looking concerned.

“Oh my God, Clarke, you haven't even gotten out of your pajamas yet!”

“Come on mom, it's the weekend! Aren't you supposed to be able to walk around in your PJ's all day?”

“No”, her mother answered. “It's already 3 in the afternoon. Putting on some real clothes will make you feel better.”

Clarke crossed her arms grumpily and looked at the floor.

“Did you come here just to yell at me?” she asked.

“Oh, honey”, Abby sighed and cupped her cheek, making her look up at her. “Is that what I'm doing? I'm sorry, it's just that you're scaring me, locking yourself away like this all the time. Is it because of Finn? Do you want to get back together with him? You used to be so full of energy, always going places, and then suddenly you change completely and you stop talking to everyone. You don't seem happy, and I want you to be. I want to help you be happy, but you won't tell me what's going on. I want to understand why you did the things that you did this fall, because I don't think you would have been so horrible to that girl in your class if everything was alright.”

She looked into her mother's sincere eyes and saw forgiveness. She felt relieved that she could move past her mistakes at least in her own house, and for the first time she thought that maybe Abby wouldn't take the news that her daughter loved a girl as bad as Clarke had been thinking she would. A little courage returned to her and she thought that, soon, soon she would tell her.

“I want to tell you”, she admitted. “But not yet. Can that be enough for now?”

Abby nodded.

“I'd still like you to get out of the house though”, she persisted. “Please, come with us to the bonfire in town tonight. We used to go every year when you were little, remember? It will be good for you to breathe a different air. You'll probably run into some friends, and I can give you a few dollars for snacks. Come with us, will you?”

“Okay”, Clarke finally gave in.

It couldn't be that bad, she might even see Lexa there.

 _No_ , she cursed herself. _You're supposed to be distancing yourself from her._

But it was no use trying not to think about Lexa, and when she closed the door to her room again she immediately started looking through her wardrobe to see what she could wear to look as cute as possible.

 

A few hours later she found herself standing between both her parents, watching the big bonfire that had been set up in the town square. Around the edges of the square little market stalls had been set up where you could get things like crafts made by the closest Native American tribes, books from the antique shop as well as a variety of things to eat. The bonfire was a tradition that their town held on to at the end of each February to celebrate the date it had been founded, and the square was really crowded with people who had gathered around the fire.

“I'm gonna stroll around a little by myself”, she told her parents, who had already started talking to their neighbors.

By the post office she spotted Octavia with Bellamy and his friends. Octavia looked up just in time to see her looking their way, and she looked almost hopeful, before Clarke quickly turned around and walked the other way. She remembered that when she'd come here as a kid, her and her friends used to climb up on the roof of the convenience store. There was a container in the back that made it easy to get up on the roof and, wanting to feel like a kid again for just a moment, she climbed up to check out her childhood club house, as they had called it.

She had expected to be alone, but to her surprise she was a pair of legs sticking out from behind a giant electrical cabinet. She hesitantly approached the unknown legs, and by the time she recognized the shoes it was already too late to turn around. Lexa's head popped out from behind the cabinet and she took Clarke in with surprise.

“You keep crashing my secret hideouts”, she said.

Clarke took a few more steps forward until she was right next to her, and then she sat down.

“No”, she objected. “This time you're crashing mine.”

“My bad”, Lexa said.

The girl had become a little less hostile towards her since after Christmas, around the time when Clarke had stopped talking to her friends and started defending Lexa from bullies every chance she got. But saying she was now friendly was an overstatement. No, Lexa still only spent time with Clarke if she had to, and she didn't greet her when they met in the hallways or in town on the weekends. Sometimes Clarke felt hopelessness at how far from friends they were, but sometimes she felt thankful for the little progress she had made. After all, a few months ago she would have never been able to sit next to Lexa in peace like this.

She thought about the things she'd said and almost said on the bleachers. She wondered if Lexa thought about it too.

“Can I ask why you're sitting up here all alone?” Clarke asked.

“Mom was talking to a friend and I got bored”, Lexa shrugged.

Clarke couldn't help but think what a coincidence it was that they both ended up in the same secret hideout at the same time like this, but then again she'd gotten the feeling that the two of them would be really compatible. If Lexa would ever want to get to know Clarke better, that is.

“Why are _you_ here all alone?” Lexa asked, and Clarke was pleasantly surprised. Lexa had very rarely asked her any questions, and she took this as another sign that Lexa hated her just a little bit less than she once had.

“Same reason as you”, Clarke answered. “Plus I saw Octavia and her brother and I really can't handle talking to her, so I had to get away.”

Lexa looked a little confused.

“Why don't you guys talk anymore?” she asked. “I never understood what happened there with the two of you.”

“It's because of what she did to you, of course”, Clarke said. “I already told you what happened. She's the one who took your medication, and at the time I was too much of a coward to speak up when someone did something wrong, so I didn't say anything! I should've said something...”

“And you thought this was worth ending a lifelong friendship for?” Lexa said questioningly. “I sure as hell never saw that happening. You didn't use to have a problem with people being mean to me.”

“I know”, Clarke mumbled, filled with shame. “I don't even recognize who I used to be, so much has changed...”

“People don't change that much”, Lexa muttered.

“I feel like I have, though”, Clarke said, slightly desperate for Lexa to understand her. “I feel like the exact opposite of what I used to be. I used to hate you so much, and now...”

“What, now you're in love with me or something?” Lexa laughed and rolled her eyes.

Clarke's heart was beating fast all of a sudden and she was paralyzed, unable to find any words at all, unable to laugh it off. She just looked back at Lexa with eyes filled with despair, and Lexa's laugh was cut short.

“Oh my God, you are”, she said in disbelief. 

Clarke felt more exposed than she ever had before, as if someone had picked her heart out of her chest, and that it was now lying on the cold surface of the roof, right in front of Lexa, waiting for her to do whatever she wanted to it. She suddenly felt like she needed to hear Lexa tell her how she felt, even if what she felt was disgust towards Clarke. It was becoming so stressful to hope, because her stupid brain wouldn't stop hoping. If Lexa could just tell her now that she never wanted to see her again, it would be easier for her to move on.

But Lexa didn't say anything of the sort, she only shrugged away Clarke's love confession like it hadn't even happened.

“That is the biggest cliche I've ever heard”, she snorted.

It was as if she was pouring ice cold water on Clarke's heart and then kicking it aside, and Clarke realized that she still didn't believe her. Things felt even more hopeless than before. She had no way of showing Lexa that she loved her, no way that was strong enough. She could kiss her passionately, write her a song, bring her the stars and it still wouldn't be enough to show how she felt.

“Yeah”, she mumbled. “Well, it's my life, so...”

She was looking down at her feet, but she could feel Lexa watching her, probably trying to figure her out. There was a long silence where none of them said a word, but then Lexa started to stand up.

“I should probably get back to my mom”, she said.

Clarke looked up at her to see her wave a little awkwardly. For a moment it looked like she wanted to say something more, but then she rounded the electrical cabinet and climbed back down on the ground. Clarke stayed behind. She didn't know if she could face people right now and act like everything was fine. All these feelings that filled her heart were slowly suffocating her and no one would ever know. It was pretty calming, though, to watch the bonfire from above. She could see the people walking around on the ground, her classmates and teachers and hairdresser, and she felt like kind of one of them, but kind of not. Not a lot of people looked up to where she was hiding, so she got the privacy she needed.

She knew that her parents would want to stay for a long time, and that she was in no hurry to get down. It took her a long time, but she finally got up when she realized she had to pee.

Back on the ground, she ran in to her mother outside the porter potty she'd been aiming for.

“Hi!” her mother exclaimed. “Where have you been all night?”

“Just talking to a friend”, Clarke shrugged.

“Are you happy you came?” Abby asked.

_Yes and no._

“Yeah”, she settled for answering.

“Are you waiting for the bathroom too?” her mom asked. “I've been standing here for some time now, and someone is taking a long time.”

Just as she checked her wrist watch the door opened and Raven scrambled out, trying to straighten out her hair that was all over the place. Behind her, Finn exited with his shirt on inside out. They both looked very guilty. Abby's jaw dropped at the sight of them.

“Raven Reyes!” she called out, clearly appalled.

“Sorry, Mrs Griffin”, Raven mumbled shamefully, but when she met Clarke's smirking eyes she couldn't help but to smile.

“Well I'll be damned”, Clarke chuckled, and winked at both her and Finn to show them that there were no hard feelings.

When the two of them had trotted off Abby seemed to have forgotten that she needed to use the toilet.

“Mom!” Clarke said to snap her out of her state of chock. “Are you going or is it my turn?”

“Right... right...” Abby mumbled and entered the porter potty where minutes ago, some very unorthodox activities had taken place.

 

“I cannot believe them!” Abby yelled as soon as they got home. “She's supposed to be your best friend! Hasn't she seen how depressed you've been since you and Finn broke up? How dare she go rub it in your face like that? And Finn! He could have picked any girl, and he had to pick your best friend! Did they have an affair before you broke up? Is that why you've been so closed off and secretive? This is unacceptable!”

“Mom!” Clarke tried to catch the attention of her ranting mother. “MOM!”

“What?” Abby finally looked up at her.

“I'm okay with it”, Clarke said with great emphasis, to make sure the words really sunk in. “I think the two of them are great together, I'm even the one who suggested they give it a try!”

Abby looked at her like she was speaking Chinese.

“What do you mean?” she said.

“I mean what I said”, Clarke repeated. “I think it's good that Finn and Raven have found each other.”

Jake entered the living room where the discussion was taking place and put a supporting hand on her shoulder.

“I think it's very bighearted of you to be so supportive of your friends”, he said. “It must have taken a lot of strength to be able to give them this chance.”

“No, really”, she insisted. “It wasn't hard at all. I wan never really in love with Finn, so it's good for him to find someone who can love him back.”

“What?” Abby said again, both her and Jake looking confused now. “Of course you were in love with him, honey. The two of you were together for a long time, he was so good for you!”

“No, mom, stop!” Clarke said. “I'm serious. He's a really good friend, but I've never been in love with him, I swear!”

She looked from her mom to her dad and back to her mom, and she realized that this was the moment she had to tell them. She slumped down in an armchair because her legs didn't feel very steady at the moment, and her parents followed her example, sitting down on the couch.

“I'm sure that what I felt for Finn was not love”, she started. “because I've fallen in love with someone else, and it's so much stronger and unlike anything I've ever felt for anyone before.”

“That's good”, Jake smiled. “We're happy for you, you know that right? I mean, did we both love Finn? Yes, we did, but we wouldn't be happy if you stayed in a relationship with him just to please us, that's not what love is supposed to be about. Do you want to tell us who it is?”

Clarke took a deep breath.

“That's the thing...” she said, and then took a pause, too nervous to continue.

She looked at the two of them, who anxiously waited for an answer, and she tried to think of all the times they'd been there for her. Everything would be okay, sooner or later.

“It's a girl...”

She mumbled the words that she hadn't ever spoken out loud before, and then she carefully looked at them, analyzing their reactions. They both looked shocked for a moment but, unsurprisingly, Jake was the first one to come around.

“Oh, Clarke”, he said softly and moved over to her chair, sitting down on the armrest to pull her into a hug. “I'm sorry we're such old farts that it had to be this hard for you to tell us. I don't want you to have to feel ashamed for falling in love. What I told you before, about wanting you to be in a relationship that you want to be in... I still mean it. She's one lucky girl to have you to care for her.”

Hearing his words so full of love, and simultaneously thinking about how Lexa definitely did not feel lucky to have Clarke fall in love with her, made her tear up. She'd been doing so much crying lately she was surprised her body hadn't turned into a dry raisin. She looked at her mother and saw her still sit in shock on the couch.

“I'm sorry, mom”, she said. “I know this isn't part of the hopes you've had for me. I know how hard it will be for you to feel comfortable about it.”

Abby just nodded.

“But we love each other in this family”, she continued. “We'll be okay.”

And then Abby too had tears escape her eyes. She came to sit on the other armrest of the chair, pulling the two biggest loves of her life into a hug.

“How did I get such a wise daughter?” she mumbled. “I love you so much, and I'm sorry, I wish this wasn't so hard for me. But I promise you I'll do my very best to get used to it.”

Clarke relaxed into the warm family hug, and let herself feel relieved and safe for a moment. She'd come out to her parents and she'd survived. Then, she felt her heart drop again and she sighed.

“I have a bigger problem though”, she told them. “Other than the fact that she's a girl, I mean.”

She sat up straighter and pulled away from the hug.

“It's Lexa. And I've kind of ruined my chances with her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter: A class trip, a shared room and Lexa's heart warms up a bit.


	10. The Class Trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It now says that there will be 13 chapters in this story... That's because this one turned out to be twice as long as the usual chapters, and being a bit pedantic I decided to divide it in two to keep the chapters the same length. So the rest of this class trip will be published on Friday! Have a good week til then and enjoy!

“Remember, students”, professor Titus said to the students at homeroom. “The class trip we've been talking about takes place in two weeks. You all need to hurry up and hand in your preferred sleeping situations. No boys and girls in the same room. You'll be sleeping in rooms of two, three or four people, do you think you can handle picking rooms yourselves? If I hear about fighting or people being left out I will take it upon myself to pick rooms for you all!”

Some people groaned at that, and Clarke was snapped out of her daydreaming. She had completely forgotten about the class trip. She remembered bringing home the form for her parents to read through while Lexa was still in the hospital and Clarke was in too much distress to think ahead. Since then, she'd been too focused on her hopeless crush to think about any class trip. Now, she found herself two weeks away from the trip and she had no idea who she could stay in the same room as.

None of her closest friends were in the same homeroom as her, so as soon as she got out of there she went to find Raven.

“Hey! Have you chosen who to sleep with on the class trip?”

Raven wiggled her eyes suggestively.

“I'm only sleeping with one person at the moment”, she said.

Clarke glared at her and smacked her arm.

“I meant sleep as in snoring in the same room, you idiot!” she said.

“I know”, Raven chuckled, but then her face fell. “I kind of handed in my room request with Harper and Maya back when I didn't think you'd ever talk to me again.... Octavia wasn't happy about it. You know, she doesn't really have anyone now, but I think she'll be with Roma and Zoe. Anyway, I'm sure if we go to Jaha's office he can find our request and we can...”

She stopped talking and looked at something behind Clarke. Clarke looked at her questioningly before turning around and having a little heart attack when she saw Lexa standing right behind her. She wasn't sure if her sudden heart palpitations were a result of shock or because Lexa looked so beautiful today. Actually, who was she kidding, of course it was the latter. 

“Can I talk to you?” the girl asked.

“Yeah... of course!” Clarke said nervously.

Then she remembered that she'd been talking to someone and turned around to see Raven smirking at her.

“I'll go find my next class”, she said. “We'll talk more later.”

Clarke nodded and then quickly turned back to Lexa, afraid she'd leave if she left her waiting for too long.

“So”, Lexa said. “You don't have a sleeping arrangement for the trip?”

“Nope”, Clarke sighed.

“That's good”, Lexa said, looking a little nervous all of a sudden. “Because I wanted to ask you if you'd mind sleeping in the same room as me?”

Clarke's jaw dropped. Lexa, the girl who still couldn't stand her, was asking to sleep in the same room as her! She was beyond shocked, and couldn't for the life of her figure out why Lexa would want to ask _her_ of all people. Lexa was looking at her impatiently. The hall was almost empty now and they'd be late for class, so Clarke finally found it in her to open her mouth.

“Yeah! I mean no! I mean, of course I'll sleep with you!” She turned bright red. “Sleep in the non-sexual sense, obviously.”

Lexa looked a little amused at the rambling mess that she was.

“Okay, good”, she said. “Then it'll be just you and me. I'll hand in the papers to Jaha's office.”

Clarke just nodded dumbfoundedly and watched as Lexa walked away after eyeing her strangely one last time.

Maybe this trip would be interesting after all.

* * *

Two weeks later, all the seniors were gathered in the school parking, three buses waiting to take them to Mount Weather, a gigantic underground army station in the mountains to be used in war time, where they would learn about wars and history. At first, Clarke had thought they would be sleeping underground, something that had made her shiver, but to her relief she'd been informed that the school had rented the dormitory section of a conference center nearby, and that's where they would be staying.

As much as Clarke had looked forward to this trip, she was still trying to figure out why Lexa had asked to share a room with her of all people? She didn't really have any friends, but there were still a lot of people she could have picked, people that she didn't despise. Especially now that Clarke had confessed her love to her. Wouldn't Lexa be uncomfortable sleeping in the same room as her now that she knew how Clarke felt? Inside her chest her heart broke all over again when she thought of the moment they'd shared on the roof, just like it had every time she'd thought about it.

_What, now you're in love with me or something?_

Lexa seemed to think it was the most improbable scenario imaginable, which meant she'd definitely never thought about Clarke in that way. Things weren't looking up.

In the bus she ended up next to Monty, a boy she didn't know well at all, which was good, because that meant she didn't have to talk very much on the road. By the time they got closer to the mountain she actually started paying attention to the scenery outside the window. She didn't come this close to the mountains very often, and had to admit it was pretty impressive seeing it up close. It was clearly colder up here, and she could even see traces of snow between the trees, even though they were in the middle of March by now.

They pulled up outside the big building where they would sleep. The facade was made of red wood and the building resembled an old hotel with three floors and long rows of identical windows. Clarke stepped out of the bus and took the first breath of mountain air. She liked the smell of it. Having brought only one back pack of necessities she didn't have to wait in line with the people who had had to put their baggage under the bus, Lexa, however, was handed to big duffel bags by the driver, and Clarke had a hard time imagining what she could have possibly brought that took up that much space. She would have offered to carry one of them, since it looked heavy, but she knew Lexa liked doing things by herself way too much to ever accept her help, so she kept her mouth shut while she caught up to her to stand next to her in the foyer. 

Indra started calling out the names of all the students for them to come up and get the keys to their rooms. Clarke felt all eyes turn their way when Indra called “Clarke Griffin and Lexa Woods”. She even heard people mumbling in shock. Both girls tried to look stoic and ignore their classmates as they walked up to their teacher and collected the key. Apparently they weren't the only ones who had a hard time getting used to the new dynamic between them.

 

The first day of the trip was spent doing a tour around the grounds, never actually entering the mountain. That would be saved for tomorrow. The teachers informed them about when it had all been built, showed them the hidden entrances and finished up by making them do some team building exercises. Needless to say, the teachers were a lot more excited about doing team building exercises than the students.

Everyone was really hungry when it was finally time for dinner, and the conference dining hall was filled with happy voices. Clarke found herself distracted by having a clear view of Lexa's table a few rows away, and her eyes were glued to the other girl. Lexa was sitting alone at the end of a long table. People were sitting next to her, but she was clearly not part of the group. She wasn't making conversation with anyone, just silently eating her dinner all by herself. Clarke felt her heart ache for her. She shouldn't be alone all the time. She should have friends to sit with that could make her laugh and have a good time.

“You weren't kidding, were you?” she heard Raven's voice mumble in her ear.

“Huh?” she asked and turned to her friend.

“About Lexa”, Raven said silently so that no one else would hear. “You really care about her. I never thought I'd see you with such heart eyes.”

Clarke still wouldn't take her eyes off of Lexa. Her head was leaning in one of her hands and the food on the fork in her other hand had been untouched for a while now.

“She looks so sad...” she said.

Raven followed her gaze and now the two of them were staring.

“She does”, Raven agreed.

“I just don't want her to be so lonely”, Clarke continued, realizing she was probably still looking at her with the same pathetic heart eyes. She didn't care.

“Why don't you ask her to come over to our room after dinner and play card games?” Raven suggested. “It's what we'd been planning to do.”

“She'll probably say no...” Clarke said, but she did like the idea. “I guess I could try though...”

“Go talk to her”, Raven urged and nudged her a little.

“Now?” Clarke asked nervously.

“Yes, now!” Raven encouraged her. “Come on, the worst thing that could happen is that she says no, and then you will still have an awesome game night with me and the girls.”

“Okay...” Clarke let out, and then, when she saw Lexa get up to clean her plate off the table, she hurried after her.

“Hey, Lexa”, she called as the girl was about to exit the dining hall. “Me, Raven, Harper and Maya will be playing card games in their room after we've finished dinner. You should come with us.”

Lexa eyed her with much skepticism.

“And why would I be doing that?” she asked.

Clarke groaned inwardly. Was it always going to be this hard to get Lexa involved in any kind of social activity?

“Because it will be fun”, she tried.

Lexa still didn't look convinced.

“Because I want you there”, she added, and looked at her beggingly.

Lexa thought for a moment before she finally sighed in defeat.

“Fine, I'll come.”

Clarke broke out into a grin.

 

A few minutes later the five girls found themselves in a circle on the floor in the room that Raven shared with Harper and Maya. There was one twin bed and a bunk bed. Raven had immediately claimed the top bunk, even though she had a hard time climbing up there with her useless left leg. Clarke had just witnessed her hop up the ladder on her one good leg to grab the bag she'd thrown up there at their arrival, and then jump all the way down again. That girl sure wasn't afraid of anything.

Lexa looked like she felt a bit out of place. If Clarke didn't know any better she'd say she looked shy. At least she seemed like she was trying to have fun, and after a couple rounds of poker she didn't look like she was pretending anymore. After having won twice she was even smiling triumphantly, and Clarke felt absolutely enchanted.

Harper and Maya didn't seem to mind the new company either, although it had taken them a moment to stop looking shocked at the fact that Lexa was there with _Clarke_. They were very nice to her, something that Clarke greatly appreciated.

After only a couple of hours though, just as they were going to start playing their third round of go fish, Lexa moved to stand up.

“It's time for me to head back”, she excused herself. “Thank you guys, this has been fun.”

“What? No!” Harper protested.

“Come on!” Maya agreed. “One more game.”

Lexa chuckled a little but shook her head.

“Sorry guys, maybe tomorrow. It's getting late.”

Clarke was frowning.

“It's not that late”, she pointed out. “It's only 9, we've got another hour before everyone needs to be back in their rooms.”

“I'm just tired”, Lexa answered, before waving to the gang. “See you all tomorrow.”

When the door shut behind her the room suddenly felt a lot emptier, and Clarke didn't feel like continuing playing either. She met Raven's eyes and knew that her friend understood.

“I think I'm going with her”, Clarke said. “You guys go on and play without us, okay?”

There was some complaining from Harper and Maya, but she just said “good night” and quickly followed Lexa back to their room. When she got there she found the brunette going through one of her bags.

“What have you got there?” Clarke asked and slumped down on the bed she'd made for herself.

Lexa turned around to look at her before reaching into the bag and pulling out a big machine of some kind.

“Breathing therapy”, she explained. “Time so shake off some of that mucus. It sounds disgusting, I know.”

“Oh”, Clarke frowned as Lexa set up the machine, pulled out a strange looking pink vest and fastened it around her chest.

Left in her bag were dozens of bottles and boxes of medication. Clarke's jaw almost dropped at the sight of them. How much medication did Lexa need to take in a day?

“Did you buy the entire drug store?” she asked in shock.

Lexa followed her gaze and chuckled.

“Yeah, more like the entire North American supply of antibiotics.”

And suddenly it dawned on Clarke why Lexa had asked to share a room with her. Clarke was the only one who had found out about her illness, and as much as Lexa probably hated that, she must have accepted that Clarke was going to keep her secret. In some way, Lexa trusted her.

“This is why you wanted to share a room with me”, she said to Lexa while leaning back against the wall. “So that you wouldn't have to share with someone else and have them see all this and start asking questions.”

Lexa, who was just about to put a mask over her mouth and nose to breathe through, paused and put the mask back down again.

“Yeah”, she admitted.

Clarke tried to read her feelings but it was hard.

“Why is it so important to you to keep it a secret?” she asked.

Lexa smiled a one sided smile.

“Honestly?” she said. “It doesn't really fit my image.”

Clarke snorted despite herself.

“Seriously? I didn't realize you cared that much about what people thought about you.”

Lexa shrugged.

“I have to admit I do kind of enjoy being the mysterious freak that no one knows anything about. It's a lot better than having people feel sorry for me. They would all think I'm weak.”

Clarke frowned at that.

“You're not weak!” she said with great emphasis. “People wouldn't treat you differently if they knew.”

Lexa was clearly annoyed with her answer.

“What do you know about it?!” she said. “You sure didn't treat me the same! You don't know what it's like when I visit my mom at work. The way her colleagues look at me like I'm some poor starving kitten they desperately need to save. It makes my skin crawl, I absolutely hate it!”

“Are you saying you'd prefer it if I went back to being a jerk to you?”

Lexa thought silently for a moment. Then she mumbled “no” while looking down at the floor.

“Me either”, Clarke said. “I like being nice to you a whole lot better.”

Lexa looked up at her for a moment, and then grabbed her mask again.

“I'm gonna get started now, so let's not talk that much”, she said.

Clarke nodded in agreement and watched as Lexa attached two wide black tubes to her vest, one at each side. With the mask placed over her mouth she leaned down towards the floor and switched the “on”-button on the machine. A humming sound immediately filled the room as the vest started vibrating around Lexa's chest. The girl leaned back against the wall and grabbed a book to read. 

Clarke took this as a sign to get busy with something else, and started changing into pajamas. It felt strange to change in front of Lexa. She looked over at her and found the girl looking at her before she quickly looked down in her book again. Clarke felt a thrill when she noticed the faint blush that appeared on Lexa's cheeks.

Just as she had settled back down on the bed she saw Lexa throw her book aside, remove her mask and quickly put a tissue to her mouth before starting to cough. It didn't look like any blood came out this time, but she was leaning forward and it both looked and sounded painful. Clarke forced herself not to wince. 

“Are you okay?” she asked. “Do you need me to get you some water.”

Lexa shook her head.

“I'm fine”, she said, but before she'd stopped coughing Clarke had already put a bottle of water beside her.

“Thanks”, she mumbled and drank a little before putting her mask back on and continuing to read.

This happened a couple more times before she finally pressed the stop button and removed the equipment from her body.

“You have to do that every day?” Clarke asked wide-eyed.

“Twice a day”, Lexa corrected.

She then proceeded to take off her pants and t-shirt to change into pajamas, and Clarke's mouth was suddenly all dry. She was looking at bare skin, a lot of Lexa's bare skin. She was only wearing underwear, and her body looked so soft and touchable that Clarke didn't quite know what to do with herself.

She realized she'd been staring, when Lexa caught her wide eyed expression and looked at her questioningly.

“What?” she asked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Clarke kind of wanted to slap some sense into her. She obviously hadn't understood at all the extent of Clarke's feelings, and it was really frustrating.

“I told you I'm in love with you! Why do you think?!” she said, mentioning for the first time since it happened the conversation they'd had at the roof of the convenience store. The words felt so big, like they were filling up the entire room.

“Oh, right”, Lexa said, looking a little uncomfortable, and then continued to change as if nothing had happened. “I'm sure it will pass, you're just confused because you don't hate me anymore.”

At that, Clarke actually turned kind of furious. She got off her bed, walked up the the brunette, grabbed her hand and put it flat against her chest, where her heart was beating like crazy from being to close to her crush. And in surprise, Lexa finally looked at her like she thought there might be something more to Clarke than some bully either seeking forgiveness or pulling another prank on her.

“This is how you make me feel”, Clarke said with a voice trembling with nerves. “It's so strong and I can't make it go away. So you can mock me if you have to, but just know that I _really_ meant what I said.”

Lexa was silent in shock for another long moment.

“Okay”, she finally mumbled. “I believe you.”

Lexa dropped her hand from Clarke's chest and they stood in silence for a while before Lexa dropped down on her bed and Clarke retreated back to hers to give Lexa a respectful distance.

“You realize falling in love with me was a pretty crappy idea, right?” Lexa finally said after a while.

Clarke snorted but the sound was filled with sadness.

“Yeah, I caught that already. We haven't really been on the best of terms.”

“No, we have not”, Lexa said and shook her head.

Clarke looked at her and wondered for the millionth time what was going on behind those green eyes, what thoughts were circulating in her head. What did she think of Clarke in this moment?

“I think you're pretty great now, though”, Clarke mumbled. “I was an idiot before.”

“I get that”, Lexa said. “But It's not just that, though.”

“What, then?”

There was a pause, and Clarke felt as if a cold wind passed right through her when Lexa spoke again.

“You know I probably won't be very old, right?”

“Please don't say that”, Clarke said desperately, her eyes suddenly tearing up. Thankfully she managed to push the tears back. Lexa didn't need her to cry right now.

“It's the truth”, Lexa said, and she looked so calm, so at peace. How could she look so calm after a statement like that?

“People with your condition have lived to be like 80!” Clarke tried.

“So you've done your research”, Lexa said with amusement, before her smile faltered again. “Then you should know that there's also a chance that I won't even be twenty.”

Clarke frowned and felt the sadness sink further into her chest.

“Are you...” She barely dared speak the question. “Are you not doing well? I mean... How bad is it?”

“It's okay... this far”, Lexa answered. “My lung capacity is half of what it should be, but I can handle school and shit most of the time. After that trip to the hospital before Christmas, my mom tried to get me put on the transplant list, but I'm still too healthy, other people need it more. I'll have to get a lot worse before it's my turn to have a double lung transplant.”

“Too healthy?” Clarke asked with one eyebrow raised. The statement sounded ridiculous to her. The girl she'd seen covered in blood on a hospital gurney a few months ago was anything but healthy. “But you'll need a transplant some time? To get better?”

“Eventually, yeah. And I have no idea when that's gonna be. I could live just fine for decades, or things could start going downhill tomorrow. When it happens I could get lucky and have a matching donor. But maybe there will be no match before it's too late. I don't know, I can't take anything for granted.”

Clarke was trying to process, trying to understand how Lexa could live every day aware of her impending death and still manage to be so ambitious and driven. Clarke wasn't sure she'd even want to get out of the house.

“That sounds like hell to deal with”, she mumbled.

“Yeah, that's what I'm saying!” Lexa clarified. “So as far as me and relationships go, I'm not a very good candidate. No one should have to deal with the uncertainty.”

Clarke wrinkled her forehead in concern at this.

“So... what?” she asked. “Have you been planning to spend your entire life alone?”

Lexa squirmed a little under her intense gaze, and looked away.

“Well... kind of”, she mumbled and Clarke felt her heart break for her.

She stood up and hesitantly walked over to her. Then she sat down next to her on the bed and waited for her to meet her eyes. When Lexa finally looked up, Clarke gave her a small smile.

“Lexa”, she said slowly. “You deserve to have everything this world has to offer. You're kind and caring and intelligent, not to mention gorgeous. Anyone would be lucky to have you, even if it turned out to be only for a little while. Don't you ever think otherwise!”

When she'd finished she heard Lexa's breath hitch and saw her eyes turn a little misty. It was obvious she was trying really hard to push the tears back down, and Clarke wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around her. So she did. A little hesitantly she leaned forward to slide both her arms around Lexa's neck, but as soon as they touched, all hesitancy was gone. They were like magnets, drawn to one another by an unstoppable force. Nothing had ever felt more natural than pulling Lexa close to her, and have Lexa wrap her arms lightly around her midsection. Clarke leaned her head against the crook of Lexa's neck, Lexa mirrored her and leaned against her too.

Hugging Lexa felt even better than she'd imagined. She was so soft and warm and delicate and Clarke just loved her _so so so_ much. It felt like she could keep her safe from anything this way.

When they finally pulled apart, Lexa quickly wiped at her eyes and Clarke pretended not to see. None of them knew what to say, but they were once again filled with the feeling that they didn't have to speak to understand each other. After sharing a brief look, Clarke smiled and got back in her own bed.

“Good night Lexa”, she mumbled.

“Good night Clarke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter: Clarke and Lexa spend some more time with the gang and they're more comfortable around each other than they've ever been.


	11. Mount Weather

Lexa was cute when she slept. Not that Clarke was surprised; Lexa was always cute. But sleeping Lexa might be her new favorite thing. She was lying on her side, hand tucked under her cheek, a calm and very innocent look on her face, chest rising up and down with the soothing sound of her breaths. Clarke could have watched her all day, but when she started to stir she quickly pretended to be busy with brushing her teeth.

“Shit”, she heard Lexa mumble as the girl sat up in bed.

“Good morning”, Clarke said chirpily. “Are you coming downstairs to have breakfast?”

Lexa looked a little disoriented, having just woken up. Her hair was messy and she stifled a yawn. Still very cute.

“No”, she groaned for an answer. “I overslept a bit. I need to do my therapy again so I'll have to skip breakfast.”

“Oh no”, Clarke said and her face fell. “You can't skip breakfast! Let me save you something for when you're done, okay?”

Lexa contemplated the offer for a moment.

“Okay”, she then agreed.

A little reluctant to leave Lexa behind, Clarke grabbed the things she would be needing for the day and exited their room to find a few students going down the hall for breakfast. She followed them downstairs in the elevator, and upon entering the cafeteria she saw Raven, Maya and Harper occupying a table along the far wall, sharing it with Jasper and Monty, who Maya and Harper knew very well.

She picked out her own breakfast, but took a little longer picking out things for Lexa. An apple for a healthy option. And maybe a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? But what if Lexa didn't like peanut butter? Or what if she was allergic? She finally decided that a turkey sandwich would do, and remembering Lexa's love for chocolate she added a chocolate muffin to the mix. She asked for a bag from the kitchen and was given a little brown paper bag to put it all in.

When she finally sat down next to Raven, the first thing her friend did was point at the bag and ask:

“What the hell were you doing with that?” she asked. “Took you long enough. What is it?”

Clarke blushed a little and smiled despite herself.

“It's breakfast for Lexa”, she mumbled while no one else heard.

Raven snorted and looked at her in amusement.

“Wow”, she said. “One night in the same room and you guys turned all domestic. Dare I asked what happened?”

She wiggled her eyebrows and Clarke smacked her on the arm.

“Nothing like that happened”, she hissed. “Obviously!”

Raven put her hands up in defeat.

“Fine”, she said. “So Lexa, who usually tries to stay as far away from you as possible, asked you to bring her breakfast? Something must have changed between the two of you. You guys must've said _something_ after you went back to your room! Otherwise you would have had a very awkward night and you wouldn't look so perky right now!”

As to prove Raven's words, Clarke smiled a little wider.

“We just talked a little”, she said.

“About what?”

Raven was clearly very curious to find out everything, but Clarke had to keep some of it secret. There was one thing she could tell her about, though.

“Lexa knows”, she mumbled, and when Raven looked at her questioningly she continued. “She knows that I... you know... that I love her...”

Raven's eyes shot wide open.

“Holy shit”, she said. “And what did she say about that?”

Clarke leaned her chin in her hand and threw a lovestruck gaze out into space.

“Well... She didn't run away. And she didn't yell at me. She wasn't even annoying about it, which is more than I could have ever hoped for. So I guess I'm feeling pretty good at the moment.”

A smile appeared on Raven's face and the girl threw an arm around Clarke's shoulders and squeezed her tight.

“I'm happy for you”, she said.

* * *

They were all gathered outside the building, ready to take off in a few minutes when Lexa wordlessly appeared next to Clarke, who was standing among her friends. Clarke gave her a small smile and handed over the bag of breakfast.

“Thanks”, Lexa mumbled, breaking out into a smile when she reached down and pulled up the chocolate muffin.

That's when Clarke noticed that the conversations within the group had stopped. She'd been to busy looking at Lexa to notice. Now that she looked up she saw Maya, Harper, Monty and Jasper stare at the two of them with eyes wide in shock. They were still used to Clarke and Lexa throwing insults at each other, and Clarke was once again reminded of how much progress they'd made since the beginning of the school year. She turned all warm iside.

They all spent the day deep in the mountain. Discovering long halls and kitchens and dormitories that were never used. Clarke didn't pay much attention to the actual purpose of the trip. She mostly noticed how Lexa's eyes lit up while she was listening intently to the guide, taking in every word of information. She noticed Lexa's magnificent mouth that was sometimes open in awe, and her long hair that she sometimes had to brush out of her eyes. She didn't, however, notice the things that Raven noticed.

Raven noticed how Clarke and Lexa stayed side by side all day. How Lexa would sometimes glance back over her shoulder, as if to make sure that Clarke was keeping up. She noticed how relaxed Lexa looked, compared to what she would have looked like, had she been standing this close to Clarke a few months ago. She seemed so calm and comfortable now, as if she belonged in that spot right next to Clarke. They seemed to be perfectly synchronized, smiling, yawning or shifting the weight from one leg to another at the same time. Sometimes when the group started walking they fell in step with one another.

Raven noticed all this, and she thought to herself that maybe things weren't as hopeless for Clarke as she'd thought.

* * *

Late that night, after the teachers had checked every room to see that everyone was ready for bed, Clarke and Lexa went back to Raven's room, as did Finn, Monty and Jasper. It took some convincing before Lexa agreed to come with them, but she seemed to be having a good time, so Clarke was really glad she'd chosen to come. It was their second and last night at Mount Weather, and Clarke was going to miss seeing Lexa all the time. She was hoping things had changed enough between them that Lexa would let her see her more often in school, but she wasn't sure and it made her feel sad.

They were being kids, playing truth or dare without the involvement of alcohol for the first time in a long time. Clarke was on edge, nervous about possibly having to interact with Lexa in the game. They spun the picture of a bottle in the app on Harper's phone to make as little sound as possible, and the room was filled with whispers and stifled giggles, most lights turned off. Every time a teacher's steps approached in the hallway they stayed as silent as they possibly could, barely breathing until the steps had disappeared down the hall.

“It's gonna be Jasper this time, I'm telling y'all!” Raven whispered and they all watched as the bottle stopped, pointing to Jasper. “I told you so! I can't believe it, I'm psychic!”

“Truth or dare?” Harper asked Jasper.

Monty nudged him and Jasper rolled his eyes.

“Fine, dare!” he said.

Harper grabbed her phone to read the dare and smirked a little at Maya.

“So Jasper”, she said. “You need to sit on the lap of the person to your right until the bottle lands on you again.”

Jasper's eyes shot wide open and he looked to the right at Maya, who also looked a little nervous. Monty pushed him closer to her and he carefully sat down on her lap.

“Is this okay?” he asked to which Maya nodded with a reassuring smile.

“Okay then!” Raven said. “Now you spin!”

Jasper spun the bottle and it landed on Finn who, having said dare the other times it had been his turn, picked truth.

“Who's the most attractive person in this room?” Jasper asked.

As soon as he spoke the words, Clarke felt Lexa tense beside her. She looked at her and saw that her eyes were glued to Finn. Her expression was hard to read but it looked like she was holding something back, anger or annoyance. It was very subtle, and Clarke probably wouldn't have seen it if she hadn't spend so much time studying every single detail about Lexa. When Finn's gaze briefly landed on Clarke, Lexa seemed to stiffen even more, although Clarke was sure that she was the only one who noticed. Finn, who almost looked shy, finally glanced to his left, eyeing Raven with soft eyes.

“Raven”, he mumbled, and Clarke couldn't help but smile widely at Raven's timid smile, which was so unlike her usual confident demeanor. No one knew that there was something going on between Finn and Raven, they were trying to figure out what they wanted, but seeing them like this made Clarke confident that they could make each other very happy.

At the same time, she heard Lexa let out a breath and when she looked at her she looked relaxed once again, although her shoulders were slumping a little more than before.

Before Clarke had even had time to focus on the came again someone had said Lexa's name, and when she looked down at the bottle it was pointing at Lexa. She was immediately focused again. The bottle had only landed on Lexa twice during the evening, and she'd chosen dare both times. The first time she'd been asked to remove and article of clothing, to which she'd responded by taking off her bra, making Clarke all flustered even though Lexa was still wearing her shirt. The second time she'd been asked to do a handstand, something she'd actually succeeded really well with.

“What will it be, Lexa?” Maya asked from behind Jasper.

“Another dare will do”, Lexa said and almost smirked a little.

“I'm kinda getting curious to know your dirty little secrets now, miss Dare”, Raven teased.

“Let it at least be a good one”, Harper said and turned to read the dare. Her eyebrows shot to the ceiling. “Shit, Lexa, you've got to eat a bug!”

Lexa's whole face scrunched up.

“Ew!” she said. “That's disgusting! Who even made that up?”

“I saw a moth before!” Monty exclaimed, a little too loud, and then a few people got up to start looking for the moth.

The sound of people scrambling around erupted, people getting a little too caught up in the game. Someone turned the lights on to see better, someone bumped into one of the beds, someone let out a laugh, and then suddenly: raped steps were heard in the hallway.

Everyone froze for a second, listening to the steps approaching.

“Shit”, someone whispered.

And then chaos erupted once again. The lights were turned back off and Jasper quickly rolled under Harper's bed. Monty hid under Maya's bed while Finn got in the small closet. Harper and Maya jumped into their beds and Raven, who had already taken off her brace, took one look at the ladder that was so hard for her to climb before mumbling “no way” and instead hopped into bed with Maya, climbing over her so she could hide against the wall. Maya immediately put her pillow over Raven's head. The only people left to hide were Clarke and Lexa, and the only hiding place was Raven's bunk bed. They had no time to lose.

“Go!” Clarke ushered and pushed Lexa towards the ladder.

Lexa climbed it in a second and Clarke followed right behind. They flopped down flat on the mattress and threw the blanket over themselves just as the steps stopped right outside the door, a light but distinct knock was heard and then the sound of the door opening.

“What is this noise I'm hearing?” asked Indra's voice strictly.

They heard Harper shift a little in her bed before answering.

“Sorry, Indra”, she mumbled. “We were trying to get rid of a moth that was bothering us.”

Clarke silently praised her for being such a quick thinker in a stressful situation like this. Since the blanket covered her entire body, including her head, she couldn't see Indra's reaction, but she didn't sound very convinced.

“You were supposed to be in bed three hours ago!” she said. “What are you doing up?”

There was a moment of silence before Maya gasped in the bed under them.

“Look, there it is!”

A few seconds later a thump echoed through the room.

“There you go girls”, Indra sighed. “The moth is gone, now try to go to sleep!”

So Monty had been right, there was a moth in the room, and it had sure appeared at the right moment.

Indra closed the door behind her, and Clarke should be able to breathe again, but she couldn't quite remember how to. Because her body was pressed up against Lexa's, closer than they'd ever been before, and any coherent thought was pushed out of her head. The entire time, their heads had been resting against each other in the darkness under the blanket. Clarke could feel Lexa's chest moving with every breath, and she didn't realize they we're holding each other's hands in a death grip until Lexa finally let go of her hand. She couldn't see her, but she felt like Lexa too had frozen in place at their close contact. Clarke wanted to stay like this forever, but when the sound of the steps had faded away she heard the others sneak out from their hideouts and realized it was time to get out into the open again.

Her and Lexa pulled the blanket down at the exact same time, and their eyes finally met, only inches apart. Lexa's beautiful green eyes looked shocked and a little scared, but there was also a warmth to them. There was no trace of contempt, judgement or annoyance. Part of the hole in Clarke's soul, the one that had made her do such terrible things for many years, suddenly filled up again. Lexa didn't hate her anymore.

“That was close”, Finn mumbled, peaking out of the closet.

Everyone agreed with nods while Maya happily whispered:

“Harper, you are an actual angel! I was panicking so hard, I had no idea what to say and then you come up with a perfect excuse!”

“Yeah, that was pretty awesome!” Monty said and patted Harper's shoulder which made her look very proud of herself all of a sudden.

People were silent for another few seconds before Finn opened his mouth.

“We should all probably get back to our rooms now...” he said, and earned a few nods in agreement. “Let me check if were safe.”

Clarke stayed beside Lexa on Raven's bunk bed as Finn carefully opened the door to look outside. He'd only opened it by a slit when he quickly pulled back and soundlessly closed the door again.

“Shit, you guys”, he whispered. “She's sitting on a chair down the hall, there's no way we'll be able to sneak back to our rooms.”

Some people groaned in frustration.

“Is she supposed to be sitting guard all night?” Jasper whispered.

“Wouldn't surprise me”, Maya answered.

“Fine”, Raven sighed. “You'll all have to camp out here then. That could be fun, right? Like a sleepover!”

Clarke glanced at Lexa, who looked kind of nervous. From the way the girl sort of shrunk before her, Clarke guessed she was worried about not being welcome. After all, these were Clarke's friends, not Lexa's. Clarke automatically stroked her arm in a gesture of comfort.

“It's okay”, she whispered. “The girls are totally cool with everyone staying, I promise. We'll just go to sleep and go back in the morning. Are you okay with that?”

Lexa sighed.

“Yeah, okay then”, she whispered.

Just then, Maya's face appeared beside their bed.

“You two can stay up here”, she whispered. “I'll let Raven stay down here to make more room.”

“Actually”, Raven answered from behind her. “You can take Harper. I can share with Finn.”

An understanding smile crept onto Maya's face.

“If you say so...” she teased, then she turned back to Clarke and Lexa. “Anyway, we're putting the extra pillows and blankets from the closet on the floor for Jasper and Monty, so everyone will be set!”

Sure, it sounded like a good solution, but Clarke was freaking out. She didn't want Lexa to feel uncomfortable, and it felt like it was her fault Lexa was even in this situation. After all, it was Clarke that had wanted so badly for her to come. She was just about to open her mouth to ask Lexa if she was okay with it, but the girl beat her to it.

“Will you be alright?” Lexa asked. “Since... you know. It might be hard for you.”

It was a surprise, hearing Lexa ask a question like that. She had no reason to worry about Clarke's well-being, and yet she was asking her if she'd be alright. How such a good person could exist, she had trouble understanding, and she was sure she'd never deserve her.

“We'll just sleep, I can handle it”, she answered. “Unless you hog the blanket, of course.”

Her attempted joke caused just the reaction she was hoping for. Lexa broke out into a bright smile and chuckled softly.

“Okay, good”, she said. “I'll keep that in mind.”

The others were shuffling around on the ground, getting a makeshift bed ready for Monty and Jasper. Clarke was quite comfortable when she laid back down on the mattress next to Lexa. They both shifted under the shared blanket, getting into a comfortable position. In the end, Lexa had her back turned to Clarke, while Clarke was lying on her back, staring up into the ceiling.

“Good night everyone”, she mumbled, and was responded by various sleepy voices wishing her a good night too.

The room fell silent very quickly. Their bodies finally felt the effects of having stayed up for so long, and someone's light snoring filled the room within minutes.

Clarke had a hard time falling asleep, and it wasn't because of the snoring. She felt the heat of Lexa's body against her side, and it was so intoxicating she never wanted it to go away. She'd daydreamed about a moment like this, never thinking it would actually happen, and she tried to savor the moment, knowing she'd probably never be this close to Lexa again.

She ended up listening to Lexa's sleeping breaths for hours, saving for later the memory of having her right next to her, covered by the same blanket and breathing in harmony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter: Lexa might like Clarke just a little bit, and she might also be kinda scared of what that means


	12. Apologies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this story keeps getting longer x) this chapter also turned out to be a bit longer than expected, so I'll post the rest on Friday!

Clarke was walking with Lexa across the parking lot after having waited for her to arrive when they both spotted Octavia getting off the bus by herself. Clarke followed her with her gaze, and actually felt bad for her. She looked like the ghost of the person she used to be. She hadn't bothered putting on any make-up, and her entire posture looked defeated. Lately she'd been seen alone most of the time. Even though Clarke fell in love with Lexa more and more each day, and she still had nightmares about what her and her friends had put her through, the fury she'd felt against Octavia was starting to fade a little. After all, Clarke had been the very worst to Lexa, and yet the girl seemed to have almost forgiven her.

“You know, she came and talked to me a little while ago”, Lexa said from beside her, causing Clarke to look up in surprise. “She wanted to apologize.”

“She did?” Clarke asked.

The Octavia she knew didn't have any regrets.

“Mhm”, Lexa confirmed. “It's strange how touchy feely you all have become.”

Clarke's eyes snapped back to Octavia and she watched her enter the building a bit ahead of them. They hadn't talked to each other for 5 months. Maybe the time had come to hear her out.

* * *

When the bell rang for lunch, Clarke made her way over to Octavia's locker to wait for her. Her former friend spotted her when she approached and slowed down until she reached her locker.

“Hey”, she said, but it sounded more like a question.

“Hi”, Clarke answered.

Octavia almost looked shy as she looked at her expectantly, obviously not knowing what to expect from Clarke after all these months. Clarke, on her part, didn't know how to begin.

“Do you want to sit with me for lunch”, she finally blurted out.

Octavia seemed to try to hide her surprise, but Clarke saw through her. It took her a while to finally answer.

“Okay”, she said, once again in a tone that sounded more like a question.

“I thought...” Clarke mumbled. “That maybe it was time we talked.

Octavia nodded a little. It was very strange how awkward things were between them, when there had been a time when they shared everything.

They found a picnic table outside that was enough secluded from the rest of the students to give them the privacy they wanted. Now that Octavia was right in front of her, she suddenly didn't know what she wanted to say to her. The reasons she was mad at her were going through her head over and over. How she never stopped Clarke from doing stupid things. The fact that she never seemed to feel any regret, something that, up until last fall, Clarke had shared with her. But the girl in front of her did look regretful now.

Octavia finally sighed, leaned against the table and looked Clarke in the eye.

“I'm sorry, okay”, she said. “I've fucked up royally, more than once, and I'm not proud of myself if that's what you think.”

“What are you sorry about?” Clarke asked.

She wanted to know just how much Octavia's attitude had changed.

“Like, everything”, Octavia admitted. “It kind of sucks when you realize that you're the bad guy. I thought we were demanding respect, you know, when we treated the rest of the school the way we did. But they didn't respect us, they feared us. I don't think anyone can really respect you when you're too bad of a person to even keep your friends. Since you stopped talking to me the only people I've seen regularly are Bellamy's friends.” 

A pained expression flashed across her face. 

“I don't want to end up like them”, she mumbled. “I know we weren't much better, but at least we stood up for each other. I want to be around people who actually care about me, and I realize I need to start caring more about people too. All kinds of people, not just the ones that are close to me.”

“And do you?” Clarke asked. When she saw Octavia's confusion she continued. “Do you care about people? Or do you only care about what they can do for you?”

“I do care!” Octavia said with emphasis.

Clarke's questions made her look of guilt reappear and she looked down in her lap again.

“I do care”, she repeated quietly. “I keep thinking about how we stole those pills from Lexa. I can't even believe I let myself cross that line. I just have this horrible feeling, constantly, cause I think about what would have happened if... if things had turned out not okay.”

She fiddled in her seat and looked very anguished. Clarke froze a little. What was Octavia talking about? She sounded like she knew more than Clarke had thought.

“By not okay you mean...”

“I mean”, Octavia said, and looked up at her with eyes filled with worry. “Lexa is pretty sick, isn't she?”

Oh boy. Clarke couldn't get any words out. She'd never talked about Lexa's health problems with anyone, other than Lexa herself that is. Octavia wasn't supposed to know anything, but she did. Without elaborating, Clarke gave in and sighed.

“Yeah.”

Octavia nodded slowly after having it confirmed, and lowered her gaze again.

“I figured”, she mumbled. “You know how I had to help out at the children's ward at the hospital? I've seen her leave a couple of times when I was leaving my shift, though she didn't see me. And all that time she misses from school... She didn't come back for a while after what we did.” She suddenly looked angry. “How could we mess with her health like that! I get why you don't want to talk to me. Hell, _I_ don't even want to talk to me.”

Another realization dawned on Clarke: it was now Octavia who believed that their actions had put Lexa in danger, and she'd probably been walking around with that guilt for months. She felt the need to tell her that wasn't the case. Partially because it felt wrong to let Octavia be convinced that she'd almost gotten her classmate killed, and partially because it would allow Clarke to see her friend's true colors. If Octavia knew she hadn't caused as much damage as she thought, would she still feel as guilty or would she go back to her former thoughtless self.

“There's something you should know”, she said to her. “Us taking those pills wasn't actually the reason she got worse, although I thought it was at first, too.”

She waited for Octavia to sigh in relief and let it go, but she just frowned.

“But it could have been!” she said with a hint of anger towards Clarke. “So what the hell kind of excuse is that?!”

This caused Clarke to smile, because those were the exact words she'd wanted to say.

“I know”, she said. “Which is why I had to stop talking to everyone. You all let me keep on doing such destructive things, and seeing the consequences of that, I didn't want to be that kind of person ever again.”

Octavia nodded in understanding and smiled sadly.

“We were terrible for each other”, she said. “We were both so young and stupid, and the combination was bound to end in disaster.”

Clarke chuckled.

“We used to be proud of it too”, she said. “Not going by the rules, and the attention it got us.”

“You convinced me to get a tattoo, remember?” Octavia said. “My mom went ballistic!”

“But you're the one who bribed Raven into hacking professor Titus' computer to get the questions for all the pop quizzes that semester!” Clarke defended herself playfully.

“ _You're_ the one who bribed _me_ into starting to push Lex..” Octavia trailed off as she realized what turn the conversation had taken. “Sorry”, she excused herself.

Clarke reassured her with a sad smile of her own.

“Yeah... we were pretty terrible for each other.”

“We don't have to be, though”, Octavia tried tentatively. “If you'd want to try again, I mean. We could help each other be better instead. I'd like to be better. You can put up any boundaries you want, and I won't go anywhere near your girl, I promise!”

Clarke's cheeks turned red at the way Octavia had mentioned Lexa.

“Lexa isn't mine”, she mumbled, although she did feel a tug at her heart, hearing herself say those words.

“But you wish she were”, Octavia said softly.

This wasn't like all those times they'd teased each other about boys, trying to find out who had a crush on who. Octavia knew it was different with Lexa, and as angry as Clarke had been with her, she knew Octavia cared about her. She'd never deliberately hurt her, or by extension; Lexa.

“Yeah”, she answered. “I guess we could try it out. I'll tell you when I think you're being an asshole, and you do the same for me?”

Octavia smiled.

“I'd like that a lot”, she said. “I think Raven will be happy to no longer be caught up in the middle of you and me fighting.”

“Like she wasn't already used to that!” Clarke rolled her eyes. “Actually, step one in our new agreement will be to be absolute angels to Raven, she's the best thing we have."

“She is”, Octavia agreed, her voice filled with love. “What did we do to deserve her, again?”

“It's what we'll do from now on”, Clarke smiled and raised her juice box in a toast.

The happy look on Raven's face when they later approached her by her locker and crushed her in a hug from two sides made trying to stay friends with Octavia one hundred percent worth it.

* * *

The clock was ticking above the door in the school library, seemingly faster every minute. Each time Clarke glanced at it it was getting closer to 5 pm. Only 8 minutes left, 5 minutes, 4... She was sitting rigidly right at the edge of her seat, nervously tapping her foot.

Lexa was sitting in the chair opposite to her, her fingers typing at the speed of lightning. The typing stopped for a moment and she started frantically scrolling up and down.

“Where's the part about the doctor from Massachusetts?!” she yelled in panic.

Clarke quickly turned to her own screen, where a copy of Lexa's project was staring at her. She scrolled through the pages, her eyes scanning the paragraphs as fast as she could.

“I found it!” she yelled after a second. “At the end of page 8!”

Lexa found the part and started writing some more. The clock ticked some more. 2 minutes left.

“Okay, done!” Lexa cried out in triumph. “I'm done!”

“Yes!”

Clarke couldn't stop herself from celebrating loudly. The librarian didn't look very content, but since they were the only ones there she let them be loud. She knew the stress Lexa was under.

“I'm printing it!” Lexa said, and Clarke ran for dear life to reach the printer as fast as possible.

She was jumping on the spot, staring at the printer and waiting for the papers to come out. They didn't.

“Nothing's happening!” she yelled over her shoulder to Lexa who was violently tapping at the side of the laptop, as if that would make it work faster.

“There's something wrong with this thing!”

Lexa was very frustrated now. She finally let out a groan.

“It's not happening, I'm sending it to you! We'll try it from your computer instead!”

She changed seats and Clarke rushed to her, hanging over her shoulder as Lexa opened the updated project and found the printer. When she'd pressed “print” Clarke rushed back to the printer to wait again. Still, nothing happened.

“What's wrong with it?!” she growled, kicking the big machine a little with her foot.

Then she read the display.

“Damn it! There's a paper jam!”

By the time she'd opened up the front of the machine to look for the paper that was stopping them from handing in Lexa's project on time, Lexa was by her side, looking into the machine as well.

Clarke finally found the paper and pulled it out a little too violently. It got shredded, but she managed to get all the parts out. She quickly closed up the machine again, hitting the right buttons and finally: the humming sound of printing was heard.

“Finally”, she sighed.

They both looked up at the clock at the same time, tensing when they saw that it read exactly 5 o'clock. Professor Wallace was very strict with deadlines, he hated late people, and he'd promised that if a project was even one minute late you would lose points. As if this wasn't bad enough, Lexa had faced another set-back when the flu had been going around school, which had caused her mother to keep her home for a week and a half to keep her from getting sick. A pretty sensible choice in Clarke's opinion, but still, she'd missed out on a lot of classes and ended up even more behind than she'd already been.

It felt as though it took an eternity to print out all the pages. Lexa had gone all in and written what was probably the longest report out of all the students. When all the pages where finally out, Lexa gathered them and put them in Clarke's hands.

“Go!” she said. “You're faster than me!”

Clarke did not need to be told twice. Half a second later she was sprinting out of the library. Professor Wallace's office was way over on the other side of the school, and she was thankful the halls were empty as it allowed her to run faster than she ever had before.

The door to the office was open, and she ended up grabbing the door frame to slow down, skidding into the office with a wild look on her face.

“Professor!” she panted, making him look up at her in slight amusement. “I've got Lexa's report for you!”

She put it down on the table in front of him.

“We didn't have time to staple it”, she excused herself. “But it's all done now.”

He nodded his head just as Lexa finally appeared in the doorway behind Clarke, looking a little winded from running, her eyes nervously resting on the professor.

“Did we make it?” she asked and slowly stepped forward to stand next to Clarke.

Professor Wallace nodded towards the digital clock on his desk that read 5:01.

“I think you deserve an extra minute for your efforts”, he said and a smile crept over his face. “Thank you, Lexa. I'm looking forward to reading this.”

Lexa let out a happy squeal while Clarke clapped her hands in excitement, and before she knew it the two of them had jumped into each others' arms. It just happened on reflex, Clarke didn't register much other than the very intoxicating sound of Lexa's laugh right by her ear and the way she hugged her tight. They both realized what was happening at once, and the fact that professor Wallace was sitting right there. They tensed up a little and quickly let go of each other, wearing the same blush as they looked down at their feet, Clarke sporting a goofy grin and the corners of Lexa's mouth twitching as well.

“I'm happy to see you two made up”, professor Wallace said, and when Clarke looked up at him she saw he looked very content.

When the two of them left the office, Clarke slowed down a little, shyly looking down at her feet again and causing Lexa to stop.

“What?” Lexa asked. “Is something wrong?”

Clarke looked up at her and smiled tentatively.

“I have something for you”, she said, suddenly really nervous about what Lexa would think.

“What?” was all Lexa said, not understanding what she meant.

“A present”, Clarke clarified. “I made you something.”

After months of inspiration, all of which had come from Lexa, she'd painted an entire collection of paintings that reminded her of her. But the other week she'd painted one that was special, one she thought Lexa would really appreciate. With her time as Lexa's assistant running out, the feeling of not having given enough back grew stronger inside her. She wanted to give Lexa something more and, if she was being completely honest, her more selfish reason for giving Lexa a present was the fact that she desperately wanted Lexa to have something to remember her by. She desperately wanted Lexa to remember her. By now they were reaching the end of April, in a month and a half they would be graduating, and Clarke was heading to Arkadia University, while Lexa was following her cousin all the way to Polis for university. They would be a 6 hour drive apart, and Clarke found it highly unlikely that Lexa would ever pop by to catch up. After graduation, she wasn't sure when she'd ever see her again, something she tried not to think about too much, but failed miserably.

Hearing her words, Lexa's expression turned to one of genuine surprise. She pushed her hair behind her ear in a nervous gesture and looked at Clarke with eyes slightly widened.

“You made something for me?” she asked.

Clarke smiled and nodded.

“Come”, she said, and gestured for Lexa to follow her in the direction of her locker.

They started walking, Lexa following right behind her.

“Think of it as an appreciation for how hard you've worked on this”, she explained, but then she worried Lexa would have too high expectations and be disappointed, and quickly added: “It's nothing big, you know, it's home made. I just thought you'd like it.”

They stopped by Clarke's locker and she nervously opened it to reveal the traces of her years in high school. The inside was decorated with various memories she'd gathered through the years: a pretty decent sketch she'd drawn in her freshman year, silly photos she'd taken with Raven and Octavia in a photo booth, a ticket to a concert with The Grounders... It all seemed really far away now that she looked at it. She'd been a different person back then, and she realized she wouldn't actually miss that part of her life. She looked forward to going to university as a better person, and giving her friends the chance to be better too.

She had to reach behind her books to find the paper bag that she'd stuffed in there. The painting inside it was the size of the morning paper and it just barely fit in her locker. She turned around to find Lexa watching her with curiosity, and offered a shy smile. 

“I saw you read a book about the night sky”, she said, feeling the need to explain herself. “And judging from the lunar calendar at your house I figured you'd be into that sort of stuff...”

Lexa raised her eyebrows in surprise.

“It's been months since you came to my house, you remember that?”

Clarke instantly felt her cheeks redden and squirmed a little under Lexa's gaze.

“I have a hard time forgetting anything about you.”

To move on from the subject of her undying love for the girl in front of her, she held out the bag for Lexa to take, and saw the brunette's eyes shoot wide open in awe when she looked inside and pulled out the painting.

It was a beautiful picture of a night sky, The moon reflecting in the ocean and majestic cliffs rising from the water on one side,

“Wow”, Lexa whispered, her breath taken away. “Clarke, these are real constellations!”

“I know”, Clarke smiled. “I read up on it and actually found it really interesting. I never really noticed the patterns before, they were just stars to me. But now that I know more about it I can't help but look for constellations all the time when the night falls. The mythology behind it makes it so intriguing. I painted you the stars of the southern hemisphere since, you know, we don't get to see them from here.”

Lexa finally tore her eyes from the painting and instead looked into Clarke's eyes like she was trying to figure out every part of her.

“You're not how I thought you were”, she mumbled.

Clarke looked down on the ground in embarrassment.

“I'm not how I used to be”, she shrugged. “I probably was exactly how you imagined.”

“You're actually kind of smart”, Lexa continued. “In the important way, not just the school way.”

“You're talking!” Clarke threw back and smiled at her, her entire body happily tingling from the compliment and the person who had given it to her. “So... you like it?”

Lexa looked back down at the painting, smiling at it in adoration.

“Of course I do!” she said. “It's absolutely incredible! I had no idea... I didn't know you were so talented. You really made this?”

Having Lexa admire her work with such enthusiasm might be the most amazing thing Clarke had ever experienced.

“Yeah, I love painting. I used to do it all the time, my parents had to physically drag me away from the easel at dinner time.” She chuckled a little at the memory, but then sadness filled her heart. “I stopped for a long time, though. I don't even really know what happened. I just didn't recognize myself anymore.”

“What made you find your way back to it?”

Those green eyes looked at her with so much curiosity, completely clueless of how Clarke would do anything for them. The answer to the question felt immense when she pronounced it.

“You.”

It was only one word, but it seemed to fill up the air around them with a presence as physical as the ground they were standing on. For a moment, Clarke saw something in Lexa's eyes she'd never seen before. They were flooded with love and adoration, and it was aimed at her. A few months ago she'd had no idea that the only thing she needed to be happy in life was for Lexa to look at her like this. Now she did and she never wanted it to stop.

But it did.

Lexa's expression changed drastically all of a sudden. Her face dropped and the warmth was replaced by a rather panicked expression. Suddenly the painting was back in Clarke's hands and Lexa nervously ran her hands through her hair, looking like she was having an inner battle.

“I'm...” she mumbled, looking anywhere but on Clarke. “I'm sorry Clarke, I can't... I just can't.”

And then she spun around and ran down the hall, leaving Clarke in a state of confusion and disappointment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter: It's Lexa's turn to open up.


	13. The Tree House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda took a long time to write this one, but at least it's still Friday here (though barely), so I'm not late! This is a long one, and one that I really enjoyed writing.
> 
> With that said, thank you again to everyone who has responded to this story. Wishing you all the best! ❤
> 
> EDIT: soo... school's started and my schedule is filled to the brim. I've moved across the country which took longer than I'd thought. I really wish i could have finished the writing before all this, but I'll have to sit down the next time i have some time off and do it, I'm hopin that will be soon. I sincerely apologize for the wait and thank you all for being patient and giving your very kind comments, I can't wait to get back to the story

For the first time in months, Clarke was sitting with Raven and Octavia on the bleachers looking over the football field. It was a strange feeling, since so much had changed since last time they'd been here. If she didn't know any better, she'd think these past months had all been a dream. The only obvious proof of the events of the past months was the still pretty awkward strain in the relationship between Octavia and Clarke, like they were getting to know each other for the first time rather than having been friends their entire lives.

Finn shielded his eyes from the sun and waved in their direction, just like he had last fall. It was just like it used to be, but they all knew it was different. Last semester, he'd been waving at Clarke. This time, Raven was the one who had his attention.

“So she just ran away?” Raven asked, taking them back to the topic they'd been discussing for the past few minutes.

“Yeah”, Clarke sighed hopelessly. “One second she looked happier than I've ever seen her, and the next she just hands the gift back and takes off...”

“That's so strange”, Octavia said, deep in thought. “She's been warming up to you, right? So what made her freak out like that? I don't get it.”

“I do get it”, Clarke said. “I know exactly what she's feeling. She has this idea that she's supposed to spend the rest of her life alone. She believes that 'love is weakness'. It must be pretty hard for her to know how I feel about her.”

“You know she might have felt something for you too, right?” Raven asked, earning just a quiet glance from Clarke. “You said you saw something when she looked at you.”

“I know, I know”, Clarke said, sounding very anguished. “I just don't want to let myself hope too much. I can't be sure of what I saw. After all, she doesn't have a lot of reasons to like me.”

“You dug yourself a big hole on this one, I have to admit”, Raven said.

“Raven! We're supposed to cheer her up!” Octavia scolded.

“It's fine”, Clarke stopped her. “Raven is absolutely right, as always”, she added with a wink towards Raven. “I haven't been this depressed for months over nothing!”

“We know”, Octavia said and patted her arm in comfort. “But now you'll just have to do what I did when you wouldn't speak to me: you'll accept that you've done something wrong, you wait her out, she either lets you in when she's ready or she doesn't. In case of the latter, Rae and I will help you to move the hell on, understood?”

“What if I don't wanna move on?” Clarke wined. “What if I want to let her keep breaking my heart for all eternity rather than not love her anymore?”

Octavia and Raven both stared at her with their foreheads wrinkled in skepticism.

“That is some deep Shakespeare material right there.”

* * *

It truly was. One of those sappy love stories people had been listening to since the beginning of time. And Clarke didn't know whether there'd be a happy ending or not. She didn't see much of Lexa the week following the fiasco that was Clarke's attempt at giving her a present. This was clearly a consious choice from the other girl, who was actively avoiding her every time they got too close to each other.

Clarke was trying to take Octavia's advice and wait until Lexa was ready, but it was really painful to watch her shut down and not be able to do anything about it. Because Lexa didn't look happy at all. She no longer walked with her head held high, but rather looking at the ground like she was trying to block out the rest of the world. She hid away in the library most of the days, and in class she was a lot less enthusiastic about learning than usual. Instead of listening intently, scribbling notes and asking questions Clarke saw her lean back in her chair and stare out the window for the most part.

It really was horrible to watch her like this. To love her with all her heart and want nothing more than to make her happy, but not being let close enough by the other to do so.

Finally, one afternoon after classes, with only a few weeks left until graduation, Clarke couldn't stand by any longer without reaching out. It happened when she was gathering up the things from her locker that she would need over the weekend. She almost sensed rather than saw Lexa approach in the hallway. She tried not to stare, but didn't insult herself enough to convince herself that she wasn't. She was half-hidden behind her open locker, but her eyes followed Lexa as the girl shuffled along the hallway, her hands in the pockets of her big, black hoodie and her eyes glued to the ground.

For someone who looked so defeated, she still looked like a goddess to Clarke, her beating heart was proof of that. She so rarely saw her around anymore that she almost forgot the effect Lexa had on her. She would go an entire day and not quite remember what it felt like to have your breath taken away, and then suddenly in a moment like this she would spot Lexa in the hall and her entire world would stop.

But on this specific afternoon, the world spun back into motion in a second when a group of people came in Lexa's path and one of them very deliberately bumped her shoulder before continuing to walk in the opposite direction. Lexa, who would usually have a witty comeback or at least a threatening glare, didn't even look up from the floor. She took a stumbling step and then continued walking towards the exit. Clarke quickly pushed her locker shut and ran after Lexa, catching up with her on the grass outside. Not wanting to disturb her by stopping her she started walking alongside her.

“Lexa”, she said softly, causing no visible reaction at all. “Those people were assholes to you and you just let it slide. You're miserable and I wish you'd let me help you. Please talk to me.”

Lexa's head finally snapped up and her eyes shot daggers at Clarke.

“I don't need your help!” she snapped, but as Clarke's face fell she did see a flash of regret in Lexa's eyes.

“I know you don't”, Clarke quickly assured her. “But just because you _can_ do everything on your own all the time doesn't mean you have to.”

Lexa finally stopped walking and they were left standing face to face under the giant sycamore tree between the gym and the parking.

“Why are you doing this?” Lexa asked.

“Because I care about you!”

“Well, you need to stop!”

Clarke wanted to yell out her answer, but a group of students passed them so she waited until they wouldn't be overheard. She then mumbled out her answer.

“I can't.” Her eyes were swimming with emotion. “No one can choose whether or not to care about someone. You either care, or you don't, and I do. I care about you. So much that it's killing me to see you pull away from the world like this. You were so open before. You were even having fun, I saw you. So what happened?”

“I remembered why I can't be friends with you”, Lexa answered, her expression still cold and Clarke couldn't hide how sad her words made her.

“I know I can never take back what I did”, she said in what was almost a whisper. “I'm not trying to make you forget, I just wanted to be kind to you.”

Lexa definitely noticed Clarke's distress, and while she tried to keep her stoic expression her eyes filled with pain too.

“You know I hate being dependent on other people!” she called out desperately.

“I know.”

“So I don't want to feel this way!” she continued, and suddenly her voice was breaking from the sob that she was holding back. Tears escaped from her eyes but she furiously wiped them away before continuing. “I don't want to think about you all the time! I don't want it to be so hard to look away when you enter the room! I don't want to feel happier when I see you, and disappointed when I don't. Life is full of disappointments, and letting myself feel these things will only bring me more of them! So I can't be close to you.”

That's not what Clarke had expected to hear. In a way it was what she'd hoped for, but she'd never let herself believe. Part of her was bursting with joy at hearing that her feelings were reciprocated. The other half was crying with Lexa, devastated that this had to be so hard for the girl, that it brought her so much pain. Trying to make sense of it all, she didn't know where to start, what she should say to make Lexa feel better.

“You... You think about me?” was finally all she managed to get out.

She scolded herself, because in this moment of mutual distress, she still managed to find the time to think about how much she wanted to hear Lexa say those words over and over again.

Lexa finally seemed to realize what she'd said and she now squirmed while looking away. Coming clear about her feelings had apparently not been intentional, and she was now aware of the fact that it was too late to take it back. Clarke wanted to say something fast before she closed down completely again.

“Don't worry”, she said. “If you do, that doesn't have to change anything. I won't assume you'd want to... I mean, we can stay the way we were. I won't hold it against you.”

“It's not that”, Lexa mumbled, her shoulders slumping. “Being close to you makes me vulnerable. I can't afford that.”

“Why?” Clarke pressed. “We're all vulnerable. What are you afraid of?”

“I could get hurt.”

Clarke barely heard the words, they were so quiet. But she saw the broken girl in front of her, and she understood so well what she was feeling. She took one small step forward. It was only an inch, but she knew it was a daunting thing to do.

“So could I, Lexa”, she said, waiting until the girl looked up at her to really get her words to sink in. “God, you have no idea how much you could hurt me.”

Lexa looked a little confused.

“Then why on earth would you want to risk that?” she asked.

Another step closer.

“Because you're you”, Clarke answered. “And you are incredible. Considering how wonderful I think everything you do is, I'd probably even enjoy getting hurt by you, in a way.”

“That sounds crazy.”

Clarke let out a chuckle.

“Yeah, well you make me a little crazy.”

The atmosphere was suddenly a little lighter. Lexa looked more relaxed, although still as sad.

“I just don't think I'll ever be ready to get that close to anyone”, she mumbled.

“That's okay”, Clarke reassured her. “That's not what I'm asking you to do, at least not here with me. But I do hope that some time, someone will come along you will feel comfortable enough to open up to. I know you think that love is weakness, that life is too short to risk getting hurt. But honestly, if you spend your entire life afraid of living it, have you ever really lived at all?”

She could see the wheels turning inside Lexa's head, her words hit close to home and she knew it. She was scared that she'd pushed too far, but at the same time she knew that Lexa needed to hear these words. Nothing scared her more than the thought of Lexa never daring to be happy. She deserved so much more than what she was letting herself have.

A long silence followed her words. Neither knew what to say. In the end, they were interrupted by Diane who approached them from the parking lot looking confused.

“Why aren't you coming, Lexa?” she asked, surprise flashing across her face when she saw the two of them standing together. “Is there a problem?”

Lexa quickly shook her head, and then looked back at Clarke.

“I have to go”, she excused herself, and before Clarke knew it she was gone.

She only hoped that Lexa would remember her words, and that somehow she would let herself listen to them.

* * *

On the first day of school after the weekend, Clarke was the first of her friends to get her lunch and she'd walked ahead of them to grab a table in the cafeteria. She was sitting at the empty table, waiting for her friends while focusing on trying to get her small packet of crackers open when someone wordlessly slumped down in the seat next to her. She looked up and the crackers actually slipped out of her hands and onto the floor when she saw Lexa sitting there. Clarke stared at her open-mouthed while Lexa looked back at her with a gaze that said something along the lines of:

_I know, this is surprising. I'm taking a big step and I'm reaching out, please let's not talk about it._

“Hi!” Clarke finally let out.

“Hi”, Lexa answered before reaching down to pick up Clarke's crackers. “You dropped this.”

Clarke just nodded while she grabbed the packet from Lexa's hand. That's when Raven and Octavia approached with their trays, stopping when they saw who had joined them at their table. Octavia looked a little terrified.

“I should go sit over there”, she mumbled to Raven, while pointing in a random direction where she didn't actually know anyone, and before anyone could react she was gone.

Raven looked after her with disappointment, but she quickly masked it with a smile and sat down, obviously putting an effort in to make Lexa feel welcome.

“Hey you two”, she said. “Lexa, we've all missed you. Happy to see you've returned!”

Lexa shyly mumbled some kind of answer before turning her attention to her food. Clarke and Raven shared a look, where Clarke still looked as surprised and Raven looked happy for her.

Over the next few days, Lexa continued to reach out. She sat with them at lunch, she sometimes walked with Clarke to class and offered a timid smile when their eyes met in the hallway. She was putting an effort in, and Clarke knew how hard that was for her, but she also seemed happier again which was the most important thing.

There was one problem, however, and that was the situation with Lexa and Octavia. Octavia was hesitant at first to even show her face in the presence of Lexa.

“I don't want to scare her away again now that she's finally talking to you again!” she'd said.

But after a few days of Lexa joining them for lunch, Octavia seemed to accept that Lexa was okay with sitting with them, and she dared to join them too, while keeping a low profile. While Octavia had told Lexa that she regretted her actions, she wasn't expecting to be forgiven.

One day when Clarke reached the cafeteria, she found Lexa and Octavia alone at their usual table, immersed in a conversation. The sight shocked her, and she later asked Lexa about it.

“Are you okay with being around Octavia?” she said.

Lexa shrugged, and didn't seem as bothered by the question as Clarke had thought she would be.

“She's not my favorite person”, she admitted. “But she's your best friend.”

“We're working on it”, Clarke said. “It's complicated.”

“Well, whatever you two are, I'm probably gonna have to get used to having her around. She doesn't have to be _my_ best friend, but I can live with her presence. She's actually a good conversation once you get to know her.”

In that moment, Clarke admired her so much for handling the situation so well. It all went a lot smoother than she ever could have thought.

There was a sadness growing inside her chest, though, as graduation approached. Aside from the usual melancholy of leaving part of you life behind, that most seniors seemed to be experiencing, Clarke was also dealing with the uncertainty of where she was standing with Lexa. She was sure of a few things:

1\. She had feelings for Lexa.

2\. Lexa had feelings for her.

3\. Lexa was not ready to be in a relationship.

4\. Or even friends, maybe.

Where that left them, she had no idea, and it left her with a lot of sleepless nights. It didn't help either that graduation was waiting around the corner, leaving them with close to no time at all to figure it out, and the knowledge that they would soon be far apart.

* * *

“It's time”, Octavia said as she joined them on the bleachers.

Clarke was sitting with Raven, Maya, Harper, and, to her great pleasure, Lexa, who was waiting for her mom to pick her up and didn't mind the company while waiting.

“Oh, it is”, Raven answered, smirking, while Maya and Harper smiled in understanding. Lexa was the only one who looked confused. Octavia noticed and quickly elaborated.

“The annual end-of-the-year party at the Blake house”, she explained. “The biggest and most epic of parties, only this year it will be even better. My brother and I usually host this thing together, but since we don't see eye to eye at the moment I've kicked him out and I'm hosting on my own. Everyone's invited, as always, except if you're a d-bag. Since Bellamy has no say in the guest list you can expect a more sensible crowd of people. I've had it with a lot of people that usually come to these things. This year they can suck it.”

“Good call”, Raven said and gave her a hug from excitement.

Clarke was excited too. She hadn't realized until now that she missed parties. She'd left so many parts of herself behind, a lot of parts that she never wanted to be reunited with. But the party queen Clarke Griffin was a person she kind of missed. She missed being a little tipsy, talking to people she'd never talked to before, have her favorite song come on and dance like there was no tomorrow. It had made her feel alive even when nothing else could. Now that she was sort of happy, she was sure she'd have an even better time. Especially if Lexa wanted to come, which she was doubting but strongly hoping for.

“You can come, if you want to”, she mumbled to Lexa and looked at her hopefully.

Lexa looked a little shy all of a sudden.

“I don't think I'm invited...” she said, but Octavia, who had overheard reassured her immediately.

“Of course you're invited!” she said. “Everyone decent is invited. You're like the most decent of all of us, which means you're even more invited than Clarke.”

Clarke faked a look of offense. Lexa smiled a little at Octavia's words.

“Would you at least consider it?” Clarke asked. “We're graduating soon, this might be your last chance to go to a high school party.”

To her surprise, Lexa snorted at that.

“Who says I've never been to a high school party?”

The rest of the girls all looked surprised.

“You have?” Clarke asked.

“Yuh”, Lexa answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Probably way before you started going to them. I have an older cousin, remember?”

“Okay then...” Clarke said, trying not to look so surprised. She didn't know why this surprised her so much. Maybe she'd kind of thought she'd been to every kind of party the town had to offer, and that, since she'd never seen Lexa at any of them, the girl just didn't attend parties.

“I'll consider it, though”, Lexa said, and playfully bumped Clarke's side to get the girl to stop being so awkward.

She'd consider it? Clarke could definitely work with that.

* * *

Friday afternoon, a few days later, Clarke was preparing for the party. Her and Raven were already at Octavia's house, tidying up and lifting furniture to make more room. Well, Clarke and Octavia did the lifting while Raven, who's leg couldn't support the weight, yelled more or less encouraging words and threw Cheese Doodles at them. 

Blake parties were always planned on a very short notice. There was no need to invite people more than a few days in advance, the place would still be crowded. Clarke had gotten ready for lots of these parties, and she'd always enjoyed the process. But she'd never felt this nervous before. That was, evidently, because Lexa had never promised to turn up before.

It had turned out Lexa wasn't actually that opposed to the idea, and she'd agreed to come, which made it about a thousand times harder for Clarke to pick an outfit. She'd brought a few options and was now changing back and forth between them.

“What do you think she likes, though?” she asked.

“She doesn't really speak much, how do you expect we'd know?”

“I meant what kind of vibe do you guys get from her?”

They both scrutinized her and pondered for a moment.

“She dresses kind of like a rock chic herself”, Raven pointed out. “So maybe the black jeans and the red top?”

Clarke threw the red top on in a second. It was one of her favorites, so maybe Lexa would like it too.

“It's going to be crazy hot in here, thought”, Octavia added. “Long black jeans are not your best friends today. Try on the shorts again.”

Clarke sighed.

“I don't want to wear something too revealing. I don't want her to think that I'm expecting to get some...”

“For God's sake, Clarke!” Raven said. “Treat her well and your choice of clothes won't matter!”

Raven was right, again.

“Okay”, Clarke mumbled, and then a smile appeared on her face. “I'm gonna see Lexa soon!”

“We know, we know. You're hopelessly in love and all that. Now put some clothes on!”

Clarke wasn't the only one who dressed to impress for this evening. Finn was coming and, unlike Clarke, Raven was definitely expecting to get some action. She'd put on a red summer dress, looking a lot more dressed up that she usually did, and when she emerged from the bathroom in her outfit, doing a twirl, she actually shocked Octavia silent.

“How do I look?” she asked.

Octavia smiled at her in adoration.

“Beautiful”, she said, and quickly turned to Clarke, looking very proud. “Isn't she beautiful? Look at her! That's our Raven!”

And before Raven could react she was almost tackled when her two friends squished her in a hug once again, covering her cheeks with kisses. This had been a very common occurrence over the past few weeks.

“What's wrong with the two of you?” she asked grumpily, but couldn't hide her smile. “Ever since you both found your new path you're acting like my mothers!”

“We just love you so much!” Octavia stated while Clarke mumbled: “You're precious!”

This was going to be a long afternoon for Raven Reyes.

* * *

It was 10:35, and the party had been going on full speed for almost an hour when Lexa finally walked through the door. Clarke had been not-so-discretely watching the door ever since the first guests started arriving, not wanting to miss Lexa's arrival. She realized when Lexa finally entered the house how uncertain she'd been of the fact that she would actually make it. Seeing her now was like a very pleasant surprise to Clarke.

Lexa spotted her too, and they met halfway across the room, timidly greeting each other. Lexa was stunning, her curly hair reaching far down her back and her eyes as strikingly green as ever. She was wearing her usual black jeans, but also a really cute white tank top that Clarke took in appreciatively. She'd never really seen Lexa wear any other color than black. She could now see Lexa's long arms and her sharp collarbones, and every cell in her body longed to touch her. However, she couldn't be the first one to make a move. Getting close to people was terrifying for Lexa, and moving too fast would only serve to scare her away.

Their interaction was cut short when a girl from school came and introduced a newly arrived French exchange student, and asked Lexa if, since she'd studied the French language for many years in school, she'd like to come over to where they were hanging out and act as a translator. Lexa actually looked excited at the idea, and Clarke assured her it was fine that she talked to other people. A second after Lexa had walked off, Raven pulled Clarke to the other side of the living room to watch her beat every guys ass at a game of liquor chess.

Clarke hadn't minded being apart from Lexa, at first. She was happy that the girl was making friends and having a good time. But over an hour passed and they kept being pulled in different directions by different people, too polite to interrupt or decline. Their eyes met over the crowd multiple times though, and they offered each other smiles. It felt as if there was a wire connecting them to one another. Even when they were busy with other people they were always aware of where the other one was.

Apart from one sip of the drink that Octavia claimed was her new masterpiece, Clarke didn't drink at all during the evening. She wanted to stay alert, to remember every moment of this night. Lexa didn't drink either, she noticed from observing her. 

Someone who did drink, on the other hand, was Niylah, a girl Clarke had shared a lot of laughs with at other parties over the years. At some point during the evening, she brought up the fact that Clarke had promised her they'd do body shots, a long, long time ago, and that Clarke still hadn't fulfilled her promise. She sent multiple people to find Clarke and bring her to her. Clarke, who didn't feel at all like doing body shots with some girl (who wasn't Lexa), needed an escape plan. She discretely sneaked into the kitchen, where she spotted the girl she'd been thinking of all night, immersed in a conversation. She smiled as she approached her, and when Lexa spotted her she mirrored that smile, no longer aware of the person she'd been talking to.

The two of them finally stepped aside to talk alone.

“Long time no see”, Clarke mumbled in Lexa's ear.

“Yeah”, Lexa breathed.

“Are you having fun?” Clarke asked her.

Lexa nodded happily.

“Good”, Clarke said in relief. “Can I show you something?”

The last part came out sounding a little nervous, but Lexa's nod and reassuring smile made her feel lighter. She softly grabbed Lexa's hand, causing the other girl's breath to hitch, and started guiding her through the crowd. She found the door to the back porch and walked out into the night air, reluctantly letting go of Lexa's hand now that she didn't have a reason to hold onto it anymore.

She led the way down from the porch and across the lawn, stopping under the giant oak by the edge of the garden.

“What is it that you wanted to show me?” Lexa asked with curiosity.

Clarke just raised her hand and found the thin cord hiding against the trunk.

“Step back”, she warned before she pulled on the cord and a rope ladder fell down between them.

Lexa's eyes shot wide open and she tilted her head back to look up into the crown of the tree. The tree house was hard to spot, especially at night, and if you didn't know to look for it you'd probably miss it.

“Wow”, Lexa breathed in awe. “I didn't even see it up there.”

“Want a tour, ma'am?” Clarke asked with exaggerated chivalry.

Lexa looked back down at her.

“It would be my honor”, she played along.

Clarke gestured for her to climb up first, and Lexa hesitantly stepped closer to the ladder before starting to climb it. When Clarke finally climbed through the hatch she was sitting by the window, looking out at the night sky. Clarke pulled up the ladder so that they wouldn't be disturbed.

“Did you really learn some constellations?” Lexa asked when she was joined by Clarke by the window.

“I did”, Clarke answered. “I still remember them. I like the zodiacs the most. Everyone in the world can relate to one of them, right? So we can all look up at the sky and see a part of ourselves.”

Lexa looked a little surprised at the depth of her words, but content nonetheless.

“I like that idea”, she said. “What sign are you?”

“Scorpio”, Clarke answered. “You?”

“Cancer”, Lexa said, a smile spreading across her face. “Our signs are very compatible, did you know that?”

Clarke shook her head, though she wasn't surprised. Lexa was everything she wanted, so at least Lexa had to match her in some way.

They sat in silence for a moment before Clarke brought up the thing neither of them wanted to talk about.

“So, we'll both be leaving soon.”

Lexa looked down at the worn down wooden floor, where Clarke had spent countless of her childhood days.

“Yes.”

“Will I see you again, when that happens?”

Lexa studied her for a moment.

“Of course you will.”

“I didn't know that was obvious”, Clarke said. “I don't even know what I am to you...”

“You're my friend!” Lexa answered.

“Right”, Clarke mumbled. “Friend.”

Lexa sighed.

“You know how I feel about you”, she almost whispered. 

“How do you feel about me?”

“Like I have to be around you all of the time, or I'll go crazy.”

“That's how I feel about you too”, Clarke murmured.

“We shouldn't get involved. It would never work out, why don't you understand that?”

Lexa was so determined, yet her own words made her look so sad.

“What do you think we should do then?” Clarke asked her. “We each move to a different university, we visit each other from time to time and I have to pretend like you don't make my heart beat out of my chest? We start seeing people? Other people, that don't make me feel the way you do.”

“Like you'd have a problem finding someone”, Lexa snorted, pushing back her annoyance. “You already have plenty of options!”

“Like who?” Clarke asked in amusement.

“Like that girl Niylah that came looking for you before”, Lexa said, and avoided her gaze while she spoke. She was clenching her jaw and looked very stiff all of a sudden.

Clarke saw how hard it was for her to talk about, and understood it must feel something like when she'd seen Lexa with Anya and thought they were a couple.

“Lexa”, she said softly and put her hand on the girl's arm. “No one is as special as you. _You're_ the one I care about.”

Lexa looked very fragile, and Clarke's eyes swam with tears at the sight of her.

“I know”, Lexa said. “It's just that the idea of calling you my... my _girlfriend_ , is really terrifying.”

“You don't have to call me anything!” Clarke said while tears started to stream down her face. “Although I will forever be yours whenever you want me.”

They were only inches apart now. Lexa had seen her tears and brought up a hand to gingerly wipe at one of Clarke's cheeks. This kind of contact was the most intimate they'd ever been, and Clarke's heart sped up. Another tear spilled from her eye, and this time Lexa leaned in and pressed her lips against her cheek, kissing the tear away. She froze right in front of Clarke, their foreheads almost touching, and the next time she leaned in she planted her lips on Clarke's.

Kissing Lexa was like nothing Clarke had ever experienced. She felt like she was floating, soaring, even. Their lips fit so perfectly together, almost like magnets. The longer they kissed, the more desperate they got to be close to each other. They pressed their bodies as close together as they could, Lexa's head was in Clarke's hands and Clarke was trapped in the close embrace of Lexa's surprisingly strong arms. Maybe it was the weeks and months of anticipation, maybe it was the knowledge that they would soon be far apart. In any case, they couldn't get enough of each other.

Suddenly, Lexa grabbed onto the fabric of the top that Clarke had so carefully picked out, and tugged a little at it. She pulled back for a moment to look Clarke in the eye.

“Is this okay?” she asked.

Clarke couldn't get her words to work, so she just nodded eagerly. Lexa proceeded to pull the top over Clarke's head, and then moved her lips to Clarke's neck and collarbones. Clarke tilted her head back, seeing stars at the inside of her eyelids. Her eyes snapped open to see the ceiling of the tree house and she looked down at Lexa who was still pressing kisses to her neck.

“Lexa, wait!”

Lexa's head snapped up and she looked at her worriedly.

“What's wrong?” she asked.

Clarke bit her bottom lip.

“I've never done this before...” she said. “With a girl, I mean.”

Lexa smiled reassuringly.

“Don't worry, I have.”

Clarke's eyes shot open in shock for the millionth time since she got to know Lexa.

“Really? Wait, who was it?!”

Lexa shushed her.

“That's a story for another day. Now, do you trust me?”

Clarke just nodded.

“Let's get back to where we were, then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're hoping for some smut, I'm sorry to say it, but I'm asexual and don't see myself fit to write very detailed scenes in that genre. Besides, I'm not sure it would fit the vibe I get from this story.
> 
> On another note, I kind of like the idea that, while Lexa is totally not ready for anything emotional, she's actually the more experienced one on the sexual plane. This doesn't erase her emotional obstacles, and I hope she didn't seem too out of character!
> 
> In the next chapter: some unorthodox activities take place in school and Clarke and Lexa finally have to decide where they stand before they both move away.


End file.
